What do I do

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sky
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What do I do

Unread post by sky »

Okay I have to just talk because something just happened and I can’t stop crying. I met a nice guy on tinder and he was so nice and I freaked out and went on a whole thing about how he’s nice and I’m scared and he was so understanding when I mentioned why and he said he promises he will do his best and he’s not grooming me etc so I started crying because that’s so wonderful and deleted the account.

Now I’m crying still because why the fuck would I just leave the poor guy?! I’m an awful person. I’m losing my mind. I think I’m just lesbian and I can’t handle it so I talk to men and it’s not real because it’s online and the person closest to me says it’s not real. I don’t know how to talk about this stuff to a therapist to get over it but maybe I’m not supposed to. Maybe I’m just supposed to be alone and have no one forever.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m touch starved but I can’t be touched on my butt, thighs or back because I freak out. I talk to my mom who has been sexually assaulted and physically assaulted like I have and she kinda laughs and doesn’t believe it happened. So I haven’t told her any of the other things that have happened because she just still makes fun of me for almost everything it feels like. I deleted the account for him so that he doesn’t have to know me because it’s better to not know me. I’m just so hurt and I don’t know why. Is it trauma or something? What do I do. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lonely and then something good happens and this is how I act. Like a selfish, idiot piece of shi*
Sam W
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Sky,

It sounds like this interaction brought up a lot of tough feeling for you, including ones related to common threads in your posts here. Before touching on anything else, how has your getting connected to counseling been going? Have you managed to link up with someone remotely? If so, how has that been going? And have you sought out extra support around the trauma tied to the assault, since your mom is being so unsupportive?

I also want to go back to something Heather has mentioned in the past. That is, it might be worth investigating why you keep seeking out sexual or romantic situations in the first place when you seem pretty clear that usually not actually something you're ready for, or are not in an okay-enough space with your own identity and desires for those relationships to be a source of pleasure instead of stress. That kind of conversation is best had with a therapist, but it's also one you can start picking apart on your own.
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I didn’t see anyone. I don’t want to go to counseling. I don’t need to go, want to go and can’t afford to go. It’s incredibly frustrating that every person in my life wants me to go. I’m doing just fine.
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I am gonna stay alone forever. I don’t trust anyone and that’s okay. I will be lonely and touch starved forever because I don’t believe that there is good touch and love or whatever. So it’s solved.
Mo
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Mo »

I'm sorry it's frustrating to you that people in your life are suggesting counseling when you're feeling resistant to the idea, but part of our role and responsibility here is to encourage folks to access help when they have trauma or other stressors in their life that could be helped with access to therapy or other services. It's your choice to pursue those resources or not, of course, but I don't think we'd be acting responsibly if we saw you clearly in distress, making choices that caused you further stress, and didn't check in about any progress you'd made accessing counseling.
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I’m sorry. I am ready for therapy but I’m afraid. I want to be better. I’m so scared
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I’ve been doing the whole tinder thing a lot after heather said it’s not a good idea. I did take breaks because I understood what they meant but then I just ignored it again. So I did it and it’s been really really bad. People keep messaging me to have sex and I wanna but I say no because I don’t really want to, it’s like I want the action of it but I don’t want to deal with everything after.

I don’t know why I can’t just listen because it would save me so much conflict and hurt. I’ve said so many dirty things I didn’t even mean. I’ve accepted so many things because I thought it would make them like me more. I’m literally so stupid it blows my mind. I don’t know how to stop being so stupid :( please just make me not be stupid without having to go to therapy:(
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

Sky: I'm sorry to see you're still struggling so much. Would it be alright with you if I offered some alternate approaches to helping yourself to therapy, since it sounds like that just isn't something you're realistically going to do soon?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

No, I don’t mind at all
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

You also okay if I share a couple things that are personal about me and my own management of my mental health and emotional well-being when I do that?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

Definitely okay with it
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

Okay. Give me a little bit to gather my wits here and I'll be back with some thoughts. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

Thanks for waiting.

I, like everyone else -- sorry about that -- do also think that some kind of ongoing, in-person therapy or counseling would be of benefit to you. I think we all keep saying that because you keep talking and behaving in ways that seems to very clearly express that need. But I also don't see any value in us continuing to press on with that right now when it's also so obviously something that, for a number of reasons, you don't seem likely to engage with right now.

I don't see you being "stupid" with these behaviours. Instead, what I see is impulsivity (and maybe compulsivity, given its frequency). Now, I'm not a therapist, let alone your therapist, but based on all I know about you from what you have shared with us, including previous mental health diagnoses, I also see what looks a whole lot like untreated bipolar to me: you just seem to go back and forth between manic and depressive states so often, and again, struggle so much with impulsivity, which, to my understanding, is hallmark with this.

My understanding as of right now is that you both are not working with a therapist but also are not currently using any other form of management, including medication, as well as including any DIY mental health management. In a word, it looks like you're just really not doing anything to take care of your mental and emotional health, not just not doing therapy. And that's a lot more major than *just* not doing therapy, you know?

As far as I'm concerned, in an ideal world, someone struggling as much, as deeply, and as often as you are -- and who expresses feeling the way you do -- you'd have some kind of therapist/counselor you are working with, some kind of medication protocol AND some things you were doing on your own to help you deal and manage. Even if you want therapy off the table for right now, that still gives you the option of two of those three things, and, as they say, two out of three isn't bad. Truly.

So, how about you consider at least an evaluation for medication and then trying medication AND also try to start doing some of what you can do on your own to better manage your mental health? I think if you could, for example, get in the habit of something like journaling, some form of movement/exercise, or even just listening to a power playlist both as daily habits, but also to use when you feel the urge to do anything destructive/impulsive, it could help a whole lot. I think using a mindfulness/anxiety management app could also go a long way for you. And I think if you could create these kinds of regular habits AND find a medication that worked for you, even without the therapy you'd probably start feeling a whole lot better and more capable of managing all this within the month. I'd be happy to suggest some apps, if you'd like.

I want to add that there is truly no shame in needing these kinds of help or to do these kinds of things.I was first able to access therapy in 1985, when I was 15. Since then, I've worked with 3 different therapists regularly over the years, and honestly, the times I haven't been in therapy have really only been because I couldn't afford it. When I can afford it, I do it. I recognize that everyone has different experiences with it and feelings about it, but as an abuse/assault/trauma survivor, as someone who has had lifelong struggles with suicidality, as a queer person, as a person who helps others and holds their burdens, as someone who isn't a man in this world, and for other reasons, I don't think it's an understatement to say it's saved my life, and when not that, it's kept me able to manage my shit so it's helped me have a life worth living, you know? I can say the same for many partners I have had in my life as well as friends and colleagues.

Same goes for medication/treatments: there's no shame in needing these either, just like there isn't shame in medicines for diabetes, cancer or thyroid disorders. If it helps to know, I've also used mental health medications over the years as I have needed them. I most recently went back on an SSRI, because menopause was bringing me back to a lot of depression and anxiety. I forgot how nice it was not to spend 1-2 full days a week weeping (really nice), and had fallen back into that pattern long enough I wasn't seeing it clearly, as tends to happen when we're in our mental health cups.

All of this stuff is just SELF CARE. It's what we do in order to care for ourselves and manage our lives. There's nothing shameful about it, but I do think it is shameful if and when anyone has the idea it is so deeply that they suffer needlessly instead of taking care of themselves because they think that not taking that kind of care is something to be ashamed of.

What do you think about starting there? Thoughts? Feelings?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

Hey heather thank you, I don’t really know what to say at this time I did however read everything and understand. I guess where my issue lies is that growing up I was always pushed aside, my needs were always pushed aside by everyone because my siblings needed so much. So I am 22 now and I feel like I can’t do or help myself. I don’t want anything because I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I’m sorry I asked. Thank you. I’m sorry I’m such a mess :(
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

You're welcome. I'm not sorry you asked, and I think that you just said some really important things there!

I was going to say something in my post about my impression of your family life and...well, pretty much what you just said. It is really hard to learn to take care of ourselves when we have been taught not to, and taught to swallow our needs. I get it!

Why don't you just take a day or so and let some of this marinate, see where you land with it when you give it time to just move around in your head a little. :)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I feel like I don’t deserve the help I don’t have a reason why but my head doesn’t want me to get any help. Especially medication I refuse to go back on medication. Because I refuse, most therapists won’t see me because it goes against medical advice. I haven’t told anyone this but, I refuse because when I was on them before, the voice in my head got really loud and controlling and we became friends and then when I got off meds she went away and I cried and cried begging for her to come back because she’s all I have and she didn’t. I’m not going through a loss like that again. :(
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

I'm sorry to hear that, so far, you haven't felt able to share what you just did with anyone who prescribed you medication. I hope that that can change: information like that is really important for prescribing physicians. It's really difficult for healthcare providers to do their jobs well if patients withhold information, and if we're doing that, honestly, I always think we have to figure we're keeping them from ding their jobs and have to adjust our expectations to figure we're not likely to get the best care because we're creating that barrier.

I don't think it's sound to assume that the experience you had means that medication is a problem. In fact, it sounds like you might have needed something adjusted, and also like going off medication was very rough for you.

I'm sorry that you had those experiences, which sound pretty scary all around.

Setting aside therapy and now medication, that still leaves you with a big group of other things to try, those kinds of DIY care and management I talked about. Are you open to trying some of those?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

Yeah I can try diy things. I am gonna try out yoga to see if it can stop my spine from fusing together more. As far as a playlist, I listen to music almost at all times. I watch Gilmore Girls as well I’ve seen it like 7 times and it makes me happy and feel great lol. So yeah idk
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

Have you looked into any positive habit-forming apps, mental health apps, or both?

Another good place to start might be to just choose one thing you are going to do when you feel yourself start to do something destructive/impulsive. How does that sound?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I’ve looked into apps that help when I feel the urges to cut and I’ve used apps that help me sleep when I can’t shut my mind off. If you know of ones that are good, send them my way.

Also yeah that’s good in theory. But I don’t realize that I’m impulsive/destructive until it passes or I do it and regret it. My friend has been telling me I am and I’ve been getting until literal fights with her over it because I don’t think I am
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

Have you ever tried journaling with this? It might help you start to see some patterns, if you do, which can potentially help you better see those behaviours coming.

I'm thinking something like just writing down the day/date and time when you do something destructive-impulsive (it's not like it isn't okay to impulsively make a great dinner or turn a cartwheel -- all impulsivity isn't a problem, obvs), and then adding whatever other information you can that might be relevant: how you felt that day or around it, how you slept, what you were doing just before, etc.

In terms of apps, Headspace is a good one for mental health/meditation help: https://www.headspace.com/
If you want to start trying different kinds of yoga, I like this one because it has so many different styles and teachers, which has a free two week trial, so could be a good way to try a few different kinds of yoga to see what might be a good fit for you: https://www.glo.com/
My partner uses and really likes this one for mental health mood tracking: https://daylio.webflow.io/
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I have used headspace before! I love that app. I’ll check the other two out. I’ve used mood trackers and it’s so frequent. It bothers me. I’ve also done journal but I kinda refuse to do that anymore as well
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

Heather, Why shouldn’t I date/have sex right now? Why is so hard? Why are you so set on it? :(
Heather
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by Heather »

That's a pretty big veer from our existing topic.

We actually haven't checked in/talked about on that in a while, and if you'd like to revisit that conversation again soon because you feel like something's changed since we last did (where I feel like I was pretty clear why I didn't think it was a great idea for you at the time), I'm certainly happy to do that with you.

Unfortunately, my time here for today is done, and while I'm getting my next book finished, I'm usually only in at Scarleteen Wednesdays and Thursdays. So, you can either talk about if you're feeling in a better place for dating and managing it with someone besides me, or we can pick this up when I'm back again next week. Up to you!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: What do I do

Unread post by sky »

I have in person therapy today. I don’t have anything to say and I’m so hurt at something that happened yesterday that I don’t even wanna get out of Bed to go but I have to!!
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