Thanks for waiting.
I, like everyone else -- sorry about that -- do also think that some kind of ongoing, in-person therapy or counseling would be of benefit to you. I think we all keep saying that because you keep talking and behaving in ways that seems to very clearly express that need. But I also don't see any value in us continuing to press on with that right now when it's also so obviously something that, for a number of reasons, you don't seem likely to engage with right now.
I don't see you being "stupid" with these behaviours. Instead, what I see is impulsivity (and maybe compulsivity, given its frequency). Now, I'm not a therapist, let alone your therapist, but based on all I know about you from what you have shared with us, including previous mental health diagnoses, I also see what looks a whole lot like untreated bipolar to me: you just seem to go back and forth between manic and depressive states so often, and again, struggle so much with impulsivity, which, to my understanding, is hallmark with this.
My understanding as of right now is that you both are not working with a therapist but also are not currently using any other form of management, including medication, as well as including any DIY mental health management. In a word, it looks like you're just really not doing anything to take care of your mental and emotional health, not just not doing therapy. And that's a lot more major than *just* not doing therapy, you know?
As far as I'm concerned, in an ideal world, someone struggling as much, as deeply, and as often as you are -- and who expresses feeling the way you do -- you'd have some kind of therapist/counselor you are working with, some kind of medication protocol AND some things you were doing on your own to help you deal and manage. Even if you want therapy off the table for right now, that still gives you the option of two of those three things, and, as they say, two out of three isn't bad. Truly.
So, how about you consider at least an evaluation for medication and then trying medication AND also try to start doing some of what you can do on your own to better manage your mental health? I think if you could, for example, get in the habit of something like journaling, some form of movement/exercise, or even just listening to a power playlist both as daily habits, but also to use when you feel the urge to do anything destructive/impulsive, it could help a whole lot. I think using a mindfulness/anxiety management app could also go a long way for you. And I think if you could create these kinds of regular habits AND find a medication that worked for you, even without the therapy you'd probably start feeling a whole lot better and more capable of managing all this within the month. I'd be happy to suggest some apps, if you'd like.
I want to add that there is truly no shame in needing these kinds of help or to do these kinds of things.I was first able to access therapy in 1985, when I was 15. Since then, I've worked with 3 different therapists regularly over the years, and honestly, the times I haven't been in therapy have really only been because I couldn't afford it. When I can afford it, I do it. I recognize that everyone has different experiences with it and feelings about it, but as an abuse/assault/trauma survivor, as someone who has had lifelong struggles with suicidality, as a queer person, as a person who helps others and holds their burdens, as someone who isn't a man in this world, and for other reasons, I don't think it's an understatement to say it's saved my life, and when not that, it's kept me able to manage my shit so it's helped me have a life worth living, you know? I can say the same for many partners I have had in my life as well as friends and colleagues.
Same goes for medication/treatments: there's no shame in needing these either, just like there isn't shame in medicines for diabetes, cancer or thyroid disorders. If it helps to know, I've also used mental health medications over the years as I have needed them. I most recently went back on an SSRI, because menopause was bringing me back to a lot of depression and anxiety. I forgot how nice it was not to spend 1-2 full days a week weeping (really nice), and had fallen back into that pattern long enough I wasn't seeing it clearly, as tends to happen when we're in our mental health cups.
All of this stuff is just SELF CARE. It's what we do in order to care for ourselves and manage our lives. There's nothing shameful about it, but I do think it is shameful if and when anyone has the idea it is so deeply that they suffer needlessly instead of taking care of themselves because they think that not taking that kind of care is something to be ashamed of.
What do you think about starting there? Thoughts? Feelings?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead