Just need some reassurance

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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I don’t wanna talk about it. It was wrong and I don’t ever wanna talk about it again. But I do wanna do it again. I’m just so confused.
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I thought he liked me LMAO. I’m just a piece of ass
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Heather »

I think that, again, just sitting with all of these feelings and giving yourself time to have them and sort through them is important, including noting where they conflict.

I do think it's important to be clear with yourself that in the case of this past situation, what you set up here was a casual hookup with someone who seemed pretty clear -- from what you shared with me anyway -- they were looking for that. Now, they may well have also liked you as a person, they may have talked to you in a way that was more affectionate than they felt to appease you, too: I wasn't there for any of this, so it's impossible for me to say. But these are the kinds of takeaways to sit with and use to make choices with in the future. Like, if you want to be sure you're something more than just as sexual encounter with someone, then you'll need to go about this differently.

But I'm getting conflicting messages from you right now about talking about it, and I'm not going to push. I also really do think that you just sorting this through yourself, without someone else weighing in with their thoughts and opinions, really is important.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I’m sorry. I’ll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow I’ll try hard too
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

You know, my grandparents helped raise me and my grandma as much as I love her, raised all us women that we shouldn’t want sex but we needed to have it with our husband after we got married. (She’s religious) it really fucked me up. It was damaging to hear as a kid and as an adult too. She was always so proud of me for being “pure” and now I’m not and I did a major act of sin in a manic mistake and now I’m in a severe depression paying for my mistakes. I was supposed to wait for marriage…. :(

I text him that I think it’s best we don’t do it again.
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Sofi »

Hi sky, I'm glad to hear you texted him that, if you are feeling like you don't want to do it again then it's good to be honest with him and set that boundary. As for feeling like you sinned, that isn't the case. People are entitled to their own opinions and beliefs, and religious beliefs are valid for the people who hold them, but they shouldn't be projected onto others and they don't apply to everyone. We all have our own value and belief system, and here we don't see premarital sex as a sin, or that it makes people less 'pure'. That is because your worth is not determined by sexual activity (or sexual orientation, sexuality, etc). You are so much more than a sexual being who's sexual decisions determine if you're good or bad, you're a person with a good heart and even if you make a "mistake" (regret an action) that doesn't change that, or make you a sinner. If you want to from now on withhold from sex and wait until marriage that's a valid choice you can make, but that's only if it's what YOU want, not what you think you *should* do. There's nothing wrong with having sex only within marriage and there's nothing wrong with having sex outside of marriage, or not having sex at all. It's all up to you and we support whatever you want to do as long as you're putting your own safety and happiness first. That's kind of the same thing we've been telling you but reversed, in a way. We just want you to put yourself first because it's what you deserve. What you did the other day doesn't change the way we see you, so it shouldn't change how you see yourself, regardless of anyone else's opinions, make sense?
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Sofi you’re so sweet to me thank you so much. I’m sorry I said such bad things I didn’t mean to cause harm I’m just explaining my way of thinking because I don’t really have anyone until therapy tomorrow. We’re talking again and he’s so nice to me. He was like don’t rush anything you made a big step and I was honest with how I feel.

I’m going to get on birth control soon just incase because I do matter and I do want to do it again with the same person to grow a connection. I’m just struggling because I’ve been doing research on how to satisfy him because he did so good satisfying me and I have to deal with balls too?????? I’m so gay I can’t even think about it but I want to be with him again??? I don’t understand and I know I need to think about it all more and I’m gonna let it all out to my therapist tomorrow
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I was talking to my friend and I said you know I’m not gonna feel guilty everyone does what I did and she said “not with a random guy from online but yeah I guess” now I feel like I’m being slut shamed :) wonderful!
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Also, it’s been hurting down there and it hurts to pee… should I be concerned?
Heather
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Heather »

Hey, Sky.

Let's deal with the physical health issue first. It sounds like you might have wound up with a urinary tract infection, something that's pretty common with any kind of vaginal sex, especially if and when hands that haven't just been washed are involved, and a couple of the other things we talked about the other day that were part of this encounter.

You don't want to wait on care for those, because a) they can get really painful fast, b) early on they tend to be easy to treat quickly, and c) gone untreated, they can and often do spread to the kidneys and that gets serious on top of very painful. So, you'll want to get in to see a healthcare provider, either your regular GP or a sexual healthcare provider, doesn't matter which, or an urgent care, if that's how you do healthcare. If they diagnose you with a UTI, take the medication they give you as directed, be sure to finish it, and also hold off on any other sexual activity until you're all the way through.

You're right, your friend slut-shamed you, and that was crummy. I'm sorry they did that. Were you able to let them know that wasn't okay?

You don't have to "deal with" anything sexually. Consensual sex isn't like that, because it doesn't involve any kind of obligation. Consensual sex is only about what you WANT to do. So, if anything feels like something you have to do, or something you're forced to "deal with," you can take a tip from that feeling and know that you should probably step back and recognize that something is wrong, and moving forward isn't wise. When something feels like that, that's not really about wanting to please someone from a good place, from a place of actually wanting to be with them, it's about wanting to turn in the assignment, and that's just not how this is supposed to work. If you feel like that about a partner, they are not a right partner for you.

Just because someone wants to be with us, is available to us is not a reason to be with them and move forward at being with them, you know? Again, I can't suggest enough that instead of making plans to move forward again with more actions, you take more time to sit with you many conflicting feelings so soon after this last encounter. Don't rush it. Don't think about what to do for someone else or what you might owe them. Focus on you and how you feel for yourself and by yourself. And if you find yourself avoiding that, pay attention to that and try to get to the bottom of why THAT is.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I got some over the counter uti relief pills and started taking them today :) I think he stopped talking to me anyways because I have too much baggage so oh well! :(
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Also, no I just laughed it off. She also told me I’m a stupid hoe today <3 she’s a really good friend to me :)
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I just got home from therapy. I think I quit. I’m so tired of the never ending cycles that never get better. I’m done trying. I’m done trying with everything. Tonight was so rough and I’m just about done with it all.
Sofi
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Sofi »

Hi sky, would you like to talk about what happened last night?

Your friend is not being a great friend, you know, "slut shaming" isn't cool and what she called you isn't true. It might not be good to keep talking to her about this topic if this is how she treats you about it. Having friends who talk down on us isn't great for our mental peace, as you'd imagine, so perhaps some space from her for now might be best?

As for the UTI over-the-counter pills, those are actually not a solution or a fix, but more of a band-aid. They will alleviate your symptoms until you can see a healthcare provider and get checked to make sure it's actually a UTI and get prescribed antibiotics, which will then clear the UTI. Is it possible for you to get to a doctor in the next few days?
BTW- here's a super useful little advice column about them, in case you had any of the questions addressed here: I think I have a UTI: what should I do?
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Carly »

Hey Sky -- I'm not going to approve your most recent posts right now, but I can do my best to respond to everything you've written. I maintain what I've said before - I think you know more about yourself and what you want than you think you do, or perhaps are able to admit. And if you don't want that, I think don't it's something you have to accept or act on right now if you're not ready or don't ever want. Though I'm sure you feel a lot of pressure to figure this out and feel comfortable with the answer, I want to assure that there's no time limit. Something I do think would be good for you - as hard as it may seem - is to stop hooking up with this guy, or any guy for that matter. I deeply and personally understand wanting to feel wanted or liked, and how much of a toll that can take on your self-esteem. And it's not stupid, many people want to feel that way. The opposite of not hooking up with guys does not have to be hooking up with women. I hope I'm not overstepping here, but I think you need to take some time not hooking up with anyone. I think the most important thing you can do right now is work with your therapist to find ways to build self-esteem and self-worth that is divorced from other people and how they make you feel.
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

You’re not overstepping but I don’t understand why you all say that? Is it because I spiraled after or because I forced myself or what?
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Honestly, I’m just gonna jump in the live chat tomorrow and talk to whoever is there about all this because I have so many questions and feelings that I need to get out in a safe environment
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

He text me :)
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Elise »

Hi there sky, jumping in chat tomorrow sounds like a good idea too, I will expand a bit on what Carly was saying, as you asked about it. As I'm not Carly, this is how I'm interpreting her post, which I agree is sound.

Why say this? Connecting it directly to "because [you] broke down" would be a bit of an oversimplification, the very understandable feelings that arose for you as you processed this (some of which sounded very intense and distressing for you) are something to reflect on and think about how these effect your personal well-being and safety, in general, and also in the light of the fact that you are working on building your self-compassion, self-esteem and understanding of yourself. This is something I can relate to myself, so I hope you find this useful, coming from my own lived experience, acknowledging that whilst we have overlapping experiences, our narratives are both our own and individual too.

As Carly mentioned, when we are feeling down about ourselves (whether this is a short term, or a longer term way of feeling), we can have a real need to seek external validation from others to try and prove that we are "wanted" and that we're "okay". The issue here though is that when we have feelings that we are not those things, perhaps unworthy of being wanted, is that those feelings are coming from within our feelings towards ourselves, and until we can have the time and space to understand this, and work with a therapist to build our self-esteem and compassion for ourselves, then we can be stuck in a cycle of continuing to feel really awful about ourselves, and seeking short term respite in other people that doesn't last.

Hooking up with other people and seeking validation in this way has two effects: seeking the validation I mentioned above, and also as a short term distraction and relief from the uncomfortable feelings as when we're focusing on the other person, what they're thinking and feeling, and that they might like us, we're not thinking about the self-feelings that we find tricky or uncomfortable. It can be a bit like drinking, in that way. The thing is though, that this doesn't really address the issue (as mentioned before), and also the emotional intimacy and closeness of a straightforward hookup is not high; it is temporary and more about the physical than emotional closeness, or forming a partnership or kind of relationship that includes ongoing closeness or support. There is no inherent issue with this on its own, it's more about understanding that is the context (and not expecting more from it), and considering whether that is the kind of activity that is going to be healthy and useful for you, right now, in the place that you are in.

Given that the aftermath of this triggered some big feelings around your family's values and also your relationship with your sexuality, rather than being an affirming experience for you, I would agree that taking a break from trying to hook up with people at the moment would be a good step, so you can focus on yourself, having a more loving relationship with yourself, and building your sense of self-worth within yourself, which is something that seeing a therapist can help you with.

It is sometimes going to be challenging, as you've experienced, but as you work though those things, and grow in your ability to sit through emotional discomfort, the change it will make for your life will be worth it. And you are so worthy of having that sense of self worth, Sky. It is not something you have to do anything "right" to be worthy of, but it can take time to accept and own that for yourself.

Whilst you're working with your therapist on these things, there are ways you can also look after yourself when you need to self-soothe and decompress. This is where having some solid emotional support from friendships can be really useful. It can also be good to have a list of things you enjoy, whether that's walking in a park, or having a hot bath, that you can do, and also things that really engage your thoughts to give you a break from your internal thoughts, whether that's movies, a Netflix series, books, video games. Having a list of comforting faves can be really useful. I'm going to put a couple of articles about his here, for you to take a look at, and have a try to see what you like.
I hope my reply has been useful to you, feel free to ask follow up questions here, or in the chat tomorrow).
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Thanks Elise. I understand you it’s just hard to like take into consideration. I wanna hookup again with him so badly just to feel something. I just wanna feel something other then sadness and self hatred
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Elise »

Hi sky, I hear you, it can be hard. It feels like here that hooking up might be distracting for not very long, and then just make the feelings worse, if you get what I mean? Is there a show or something that you really like? That makes you feel great, maybe has characters that really are kind and supportive? Or really funny (makes you laugh)? Or even gives you a cathartic cry? I'd recommend putting that on now, any trying to concentrate on that. If you want to not text at this time (could be a good idea), you could try this concentration app on your phone (you look after a plant): https://www.forestapp.cc/

Also, is there a physical activity you like? I find running really dispels a lot of nervous and emotional energy to me (I listen to podcasts whilst I do that). If I've had a tricky interpersonal moment that is making me feel rough, everything tends to feel less intense after.
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Yeah, I’ve been trying to distract myself but I keep going back and trying to find someone new to hookup with :( I know it was only once but I became obsessed with the satisfaction of being wanted. He was so happy to see me naked, he was so nice about my body, he even kissed my self harm scars. Like, I need that again, I’m in so much pain from my uti but I am literally willing to risk getting another one just to be wanted again :(
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by Elise »

I hear you it is hard, but it's totally okay to keep trying, it is worth it. Every time you reach for the app and stop yourself and go back to the other activity, that's great progress. As I mentioned, try one of those apps that is anti-distraction, and I would recommend deleting the app you're using for hookups from your phone, and you can even block the website. I believe you can work through this, and grow your sense of self worth through therapy and the progress you've made already is something great. How about you try making a list here with us of non-sexual things you really like the sensation of doing, or media you like?

Also if you have a UTI and it's still causing you pain, I'm sorry to break it to you, but the sex will also likely painful due to the inflammation in your urinary tract, and sex will only add friction and pressure to that which is a recipe for some really uncomfortable pain. The person you are hooking up with could get a UTI also (it's harder to get one for people who have penises, but having sex with someone with one is a big risk factor as the bacteria get passed around). Also you do need to see a GP to stop the infection from getting worse, have you made an appointment with your GP so you can get some antibiotics for it?
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

Oh wow I didn’t know they could get one too! Thanks for telling me that I’ll definitely wait and yes I see my gynecologist on Monday for it and to potentially get on birth control so I can have more safety if I decided to hookup with a guy again. I’m gonna watch one of my favorite movies right now and delete the apps because you all seem to be against me hooking up and I’m a dumbass so I’m gonna listen to you guys
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance

Unread post by sky »

I just don’t understand why I’m not good enough for him to want me again. I must have sucked at making out or something
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