Hey there, Sky. I work chat on Mondays and Tuesdays in the afternoons these days. happy to talk with you if you want during either of those shifts this week.
One thing I'm going to ask you is to try to post here when you're sober instead of using anything. I ask that as a general community ask, but I also ask it for me right now, since you and I talk a lot. I'm in the wake of a very major loss in my life that involves substance abuse, and so right now, it's just a personal boundary that I'm going to need to feel safe in our interactions and staying engaged, okay? I appreciate it if you can, and if you can't, I am happy to see what/who we can find for you for those times to communicate with instead.
I'm sorry that you're feeling regret around breaking your sobriety. Chances are, it's probably something you'll experience more than once as you get yourself sober, and hopefully you can learn what you need to from it, not give yourself a hard time about it, dust off your knees and start over. <3 I also hope you can do the same with therapy, as a side note.
It's so hard to feel like you're in a forever cycle of messing things up and being messy. I know what that feels like, and it really is so rough. And exhausting. And demoralizing, oh my goodness, so demoralizing.
But you are enough. And this really won't be forever even though it probably feels like it already has been and then some. And your value doesn't change because you have trauma and pain you are learning to manage. It really doesn't.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead