So this is part of a long and kinda complicated story filled with all of my friends from high school. Nothing really out of the ordinary happened, but everything happened because it was just a time in my life that was important just like college is still important.
But the one sentence answer is all of those guys are my ex boyfriends. Some are still friends, and part of my close friend group. Some graduated and I never saw them again. Some entered into actual relationships with me which were good healthy relationships and they were nice. But then we broke up and both cried a bit and then moved on with our lives. I've had relationships with guys throughout college all good ones.
I'm also really interested in a bunch of other things other than boys, duh. One of those is school and I want to be a doctor so the classes are hard but very interesting.
Sometimes I feel like books from school and boys from school cannot exist in my brain at the same time. Couple that with years and years of relationship, sex, dating myths from my mom and other family, cultural norms and my own desires for what I want from relationships (they start out as good friends usually and so catching feelings is kinda awkward. Add in actually good advice about boys from my family, cause they support ignoring the feelings but not paying attention to them.
The party line I've heard since age 8 is basically "do what you want but don't kiss them otherwise you'll end up pregnant out of wedlock and your life will be over" The last part is a lie. We have family who prove its a lie while also carrying shame and guilt from other family who took 20 years to forgive them for the "mistake" of wanting sex or liking boys or wanting to be close with boys who are not related to them (in any way, even literally just friends).
The whole shame thing is messed up. I know its messed up but I've been raised in it and its my family who I love so much and they love me and yet...people say stuff. And sometimes its just saying stuff. But sometimes they actually believe what they are saying.
The end result of this is I do what I want. I've never kissed a guy or had sex. I've never wanted to or felt ready when I did want to. But I have had super duper close emotional romantic relationships with a bunch of boys. SO many good boys.
Obviously don't want to forget about any of these relationships.
But I find myself doing it anyway.
It happened to my grandma too, since she grew up with a large family as the only girl surrounded by 3 brothers and like 4 cousins and longtime family friends. She married my grandpa who has 5 male cousins. She has 2 sons, my dad and uncle. She basically ran in a pack of boys all her life and loved it. I have done that too, and I love it. The difference is at least some of those guys were her family (so more socially accepted). My big Indian family full of boys and girls who are related to me is in India. I live in the US. My pack of boys? They are my friends. This is okay and fine, but feelings are more complicated sometimes.
When grandma started having romantic thoughts about her brother's best friend who was not related to her? When she wanted to have sex with the cute guy who sat behind her in chemistry? All the relationships were blocked by a combo of her own feelings, shame, and super strict parents. Only her girl cousins and girl friends helped her realize she didn't have to put a black wall up around her relationships and feelings to feel whole. She was okay, it was normal and fine. And she took it to heart and is happy.
For me life is great. Except when all the shame comes for me and school is rough for one semester and no Indian girl friends are available to tell me they understand its okay I'm fine this is normal. Some girls make fun of me for not "doing enough with the guys" And so I make myself forget.
The black wall comes down around the beautiful sexy perfectly imperfect boys. The loving boys, the cute boys, the I act like I'm so bad but really I'm not boys. The logical boys, the smart boys the watch me kick a football 10 yards boys. All the boys I've ever cared deeply for, all the girlfriends I was with in a big mixed group with them, all those moments of MY OWN LIFE that I didn't necessarily want to share the details of with my parents or anyone (didn't matter, doing nothing, just talking, know it is dumb in general but not dumb to me because it is my own life).
All those moments are hidden behind black walls. Connected to books, movies, TV shows cause that's the only way I can connect. And sometimes that's all you want, is a hot celeb to remind you of a guy you saw once or twice. But when a hot celeb takes the place of a 14 year friendship that became something more that's still a friendship, well its not enough. You need memories of the real thing. Sometimes they come back 2 weeks before finals (the whole relationship, tears and all the love in between, you fail your finals and get incompletes because the boys are back in town and you love it but are so ashamed against your will (to be ashamed to like boys).
There are 4 ex's I forgot about. Whole semesters worth of fun times I blocked out. Hard times made better by boys that I blocked out. I know it all now, but I'm going to counseling so I don't forget. Which made me remember a whole semester of counseling where I found solutions to all my existing problems, and my ex who was the boy sitting next to me in the waiting room in the office.
So in conclusion I'm wonderful
I really am, cause I uncovered all the parts of myself that are warm and fuzzy and fun. And so many wonderful boys too, to remember. But how do I get over the shame? Cause I want to keep my memories. And my independence from my parents, who can remove the shame but at the cost of embarrassing personal details about my romantic life I don't want to give them.