I've actually talked to her about it. I told her it confuses me that we talk at night again, or that sometimes we might not. She said that it's okay not to talk every night, and I do agree with her. Though, she remained oddly silent about why she wants to again, which is itself confusing. In a way I think she only wants me from afar, just text, where it's safe.
I guess I feel a little weird about her. I haven't treated her that well these past few months, occasionally asking for space or at times to talk more. Though some time a few weeks ago, when we were talking over text, she asked me what sort of relationship I wanted with her, and I replied that I didn't know. I really don't know what I want at this point. On one hand, she's proved to me time and time again that It's a bad idea to attempt anything close to a relationship for so many reasons. As sweet as she may be, she has a hard time communicating what she wants, she's hurt me by continually rejecting my attempts at friendship and she hurt me when we broke up. But on the other hand, I want to be supportive and understanding because she lost her mom, and I still kind of like her.
This is a little weird but when I masturbate I cant help but sometimes think of her, and the things we used to do together. In a way, I think I'm starved of that kind of attention, and I rather unhealthily latch onto those memories.
When that happens, I always end up feeling quite guilty afterwards, because I tell myself that she hates me or that she doesn't like me back.
As for focusing on myself, I've been exercising more than I used to these past few months, which is pretty nice. Unfortunately I don't have much time to do all sorts of activities due to school. Other than that I've tried to spend time with some friends, which didn't really work out, because from the looks of it nobody wants nor has time to spend with me. I wasn't ever really into friendships from a young age, opting to stay alone most of the time, and the rest I spent wanting to have friends who wanted me.
I know some of this isn't relationship related, but it's nice to vent. I don't think I could ever say half of this to a friend, so it's been helpful. Thanks