In regards to how the arousal feels different, I think the issue is that my mom, aunt and 2 other family members (one after the other) had cancer 2 years ago up until a few months ago, and then there was the COVID pandemic the next year. So between the stress of those two major events, I had serious difficulty feeling sexual or any feeling really, but stressed out. I'm so grateful for the support of family and friends but all of the relatives whom I normally only see on holidays coming in and out of my house made it hard to get private time for anything, like even reading a book.
The good news is that now the family is more or less back to normal-my mom finished all her treatments-and we are all less stressed out. The weird low grade combo of grief/anxiety/depression is gone from the house. My appetite is back to normal, I'm sleeping normally, more interested in my pre med school/work/career. All good things. Also, boys are HOT again, which is not something I thought would change when my mom got cancer, but not complaining about it being back. But when my mom had cancer, I would mastrubate just for stress relief or to go to sleep, had it down to 3 min routine and I would like it, but I wasn't really aroused.
Now that boys are HOT again? Well...
-age and hormones being what they are, the feelings are stronger now at almost 23 than they were at 18/19. Not that much stronger, but stronger. But I was at level 2/10 for the last two years, and now its level 8/10. "Normal" is 5 to 6/10 usually.
-like I will get all horny for no discernable reason whatsoever? Or something not sexual at all? Which I know is normal, I ignore it, it goes away, fine. But when I actually try to mastrubate I need a ton of time to figure out what feels good
-my clit is sensitive, my labia are all puffy and also sensitive, my vagina seems looser and wider. I found my G-spot again. Also feeling pressure in my belly, and I feel like I need to pee all the time. Which I'm pretty sure is the feeling of wanting to squirt.
-I've mastrubated since 7 years old, so I know what feels good, but its been 2 years, so its taking some time to rediscover how to mastrubate. I need to go slowly and have a light touch.
-It takes an hour for me to mastrubate properly-which is longer than the old 3 min routine. Again, fine. But sometimes I don't have the hour I need because...
-My mom and little sister keep walking in on me. Like even if I close my bedroom door-which in our family is the sign for privacy. My Dad gets it, I don't know how because we don't talk about this stuff but thanks Dad. Why Mom?! My sister is 12 (almost 13) so I don't want to tell her what I'm doing-plus she always wants to watch movie clips/listen to music with me. That's fine since my stuff is rated PG-I use my imagination-but talk about awkward, since I cannot do it with her there.
-Somewhere along the line my aunts,grandma,family friends who cleaned the house while we were all dealing with cancer, threw away the old electric toothbrushes, the old really soft towels, the old memory foam pillows, the very raggedy looking vibrating neck pillow that nobody ever uses that was in the back of the closet...where is it now?! All my old makeshift homemade sex toys I used since age 11 are gone. So when my hands don't work idk what to do.
-So much liquid and so many wet dreams. Like I've been waking up at 3 AM 4 or 5 nights a week in a literal puddle (I remember most dreams so I know that they are wet dreams) -and I thought this only happened to guys?! Spending so much time in bathroom wiping up my mom and grandma both think I have a UTI-I'm like nope, but never in a million years could I admit this to grandma-she's even more oblivious and nosy than my mom.
-Basically everything is better when I have the time/space to mastrubate, but life seems intent on either not giving me time or privacy or both. I understand that ignoring it works and I do that, but these feelings are sooo great and I don't want to totally ignore them, I mean I feel like myself again, fully, for the first time in 2 years, despite the added complication of being horny all the time. I just want everyone to leave the house so I can run a bubble bath, then get out and find something in the house that viabrates with no sharp edges, that people won't use.
-The reason my mom especially won't leave me alone is that the parents are concerned about my school/career, which no surprise, my grades suffered when my mom and aunt had cancer. Grades are actually doing a lot better thanks to their checking up on me. Except when I'm horny and just want to BE ALONE. But really, if I miss out on my med school entrance exams because I cannot stop staring a a hot celebrity or watching a music video, I will be really mad. I've worked very hard to get to where I am, and won't ruin it because of boys. So there's that aspect too. But also boys are HOT now, and my body feels good now and WOO HOO-life is good! So how do I make space for both?
Also PS-but is this site good for 12/13 year olds? My mom is starting to talk with my sister about safe relationships etc. Which is fine, she taught me plenty of good things. But there are some things she didn't mention, like how mastrubation is totally safe and fun way to explore your body. In fact, she and my grandma tried to get me to stop mastrubating when I was little, but I figured it out on my own by accident at 7 (then didn't stop because it felt so good). I didn't even know the word matched with what I was doing until 17. The last thing I want is for my sister to get some strange idea about something like mastrubation, her body, or liking boys/girls/whoever and thought I could introduce her to this site, with the caveat that some things might go above her head and that she shouldn't feel pressured to read/know everything.