Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Any questions or discussions that you ONLY want to discuss with our staff or volunteers.
(Users: please do not reply to other users here.)
FestiveFestoon
not a newbie
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2021 7:01 pm
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: I try to be unapologetically myself
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: he/him
Sexual identity and orientation: queer, I tend to like men
Location: WA, Karratha

Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Unread post by FestiveFestoon »

Okay, so one of my friends was telling me that one of his own friends (who goes to a different school, we have only two schools in our town) was asking about me, saying, if I was interested In a relationship. A few hours later I start talking to this person to find out who they were and how they know me (they knew me from my friend). Turns out they were just wondering if I wanted a one night stand, since there aren't many other guys who have sex with guys in our town. I said I don't think so.

Part of me wants to do it, but another part of me is scared that I'll get in trouble or that If I do say yes, I won't like my crush anymore. Also I'm worried whether or not this is safe in the first place. I have never had sex before, but that's why I want to do it, but also don't want to do it at the same time (I want to experience what it's like, but I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I'm not doing If I do with a long time partner. I've also never been in a romantic relationship either)

and so:

Should I be waiting for a long time partner before having sex? Would the one night stand be dangerous? Is it unethical for me to be wanting to do something like this? Should I wait until I've had sex before doing something like this? Am I betraying my parents? Do I actually have no interest in my crush if I have sex with someone else?

I'm not going to give a response to the guy for a while, but I would really appreciate advice on this.
Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7452
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 30
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi FestiveFestoon,

Let's tackle some of those more general, ethical worries first. There's nothing inherently bad or wrong about having a one night stand or other kinds of casual sex; it's just one of the many ways people can choose to be sexual together. And a one night stand doesn't erase or negate your crush on someone else. In fact, one of the reasons someone might choose casual sex is to have the chance to explore a sexual connection with multiple people. As for danger, there are some specific concerns and precautions that come with being in such a vulnerable situation with someone you don't know all that well. You can find a good run-down of those here: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex

But there's also the question of whether casual sex is the right call for you. It sounds like it's something you're not sure about, so it's sound that you're not rushing into a decision. When you think about having sex with this person, are you excited by the thought of being with him, specifically? If you were to take him up on his offer, what would be your main reasons for doing so?
FestiveFestoon
not a newbie
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2021 7:01 pm
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: I try to be unapologetically myself
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: he/him
Sexual identity and orientation: queer, I tend to like men
Location: WA, Karratha

Re: Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Unread post by FestiveFestoon »

I just finished reading that article you sent, haha.

ok, it is reassuring about the whole crush thing. I think it's clearer to me now: I want to be in an ongoing relationship with this person but just a casual sexual encounter with this other person.

I've never had sex before, but recently I've been wanting to try, and the guy who messaged me says he wants to try topping. So far, the thoughts i have been getting about having casual sex are exciting because it means that I would be sharing sexual pleasure with someone else, but without being in a ongoing relationship. Also the first time I would be having sex. I'm not really excited about them specifically, other than the fact that they asked me and they were interested in topping, because I'm interested with what anal sex feels like with another person. I think the main reason I would take him up on the offer is so I can have that sort of experience, and because I want to be sexual with someone else right now.

I feel like I wouldn't take him up on his offer because we probably live 30 minutes driving away from each other, I don't know him well, and what if I get taken advantage of, or if my parents find out or would be too suspicious to let me "go out" without knowing any details. Another factor would probably be because I haven't gone to a GP by myself before, and I can't exactly walk to one, so what if I need to do a sexual health check? And how would I even get condoms & lube?
Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7452
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 30
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Unread post by Sam W »

What do you think about feeling this guy out a bit more first? That way you're being careful with your safety (both physical and emotional) and you're getting the chance to learn if this guy is a good partner. After all, even with casual sex, our experiences are better if we're with someone who meshes well with us and who is respectful and communicative.

Too, if you know you're not ready or able to deal with parental fallout from this or to access sexual healthcare, those are both factors that point to holding off on this. When we're thinking about being ready for sex, being ready to deal with the potential consequences is a big part of that. Does that make sense?

On a more general note, you can get condoms and lube at basically any drug store/ grocery store/super-center (like a Walmart). Too, if you're someone who doesn't live close to those places and/or has limited access to transportation, then it's often easiest to ask your partner if they can be the one to get the safer sex supplies.
FestiveFestoon
not a newbie
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2021 7:01 pm
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: I try to be unapologetically myself
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: he/him
Sexual identity and orientation: queer, I tend to like men
Location: WA, Karratha

Re: Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Unread post by FestiveFestoon »

Ok, I'll talk to him more, but we only really talked through text, so I might ask my friend what he thinks as well. my friend had already said that he is a good guy, and he's also a childhood friend of my friend, it's just the if-chance, of course, I'm still gonna take your advice though.
I have a really good connection with my mother, if she found out I'd be extremely embarrassed, but I know nothing extreme would happen, I think it's just a general fear of getting caught by my parents or losing their trust somehow.
I'll have to see how I can access sexual healthcare, supposedly there's buses that I can take, and apparently I can get a medicare card at my age, so I'll have to do all of that. I think the pharmacy has some condoms.

Thank you so much for your help! I'll be sure to sort all of that out if I end up wanting to do this.
also, is it bad that we haven't exactly seen each other, just started taking to each other from a common trusted friend?
Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7452
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 30
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Friend of a friend asked me for a one night stand

Unread post by Sam W »

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful! And I think those are all good steps to take in terms of looking after yourself and being in a place where you're ready to be sexual with someone, even if it doesn't turn out to be this guy.

It's not inherently bad to not have seen each other, and some people have casual sex with people they've only spoken to remotely. That being said, I think it might help to meet this guy in person at least once somewhere public, so you can get a sense of each other (including whether you feel comfortable around each other) in a low-stakes, non-sexual situation.
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic