Scarleteen

Trigger warning: mentions of mental illness, self-harm, and delusions ahead.


When I was around nine years old, I started having dreams. Thoughts. I felt there was something about me that was just different, or special, in a way that didn't apply to others. I had messages in my brain from spirits in the sky. They sent me here to do something. They sent me because I could do things other people couldn't.

But they wanted me back. They wanted to take me back into the sky, so they made me hurt. They gave me violent intrusive thoughts. They tampered with my feelings so I forgot what it was like to be happy. I thought I could handle everything. I thought I could resist them, resist the pain, and they'd leave me alone before I gave up and went back to the sky. I got close sometimes but I was always stronger than they were.

Thinking back on it now, it's scary. More than scary: it is absolutely terrifying to remember myself genuinely believing this. I wonder how far it could have gotten, if it hadn't let up. I wonder if I would have eventually stopped fighting the demons in my head.

I don't know how I woke up from that, but I did when I was around twelve or thirteen? I think I was thirteen. I don't even remember the change. I suppose I just grew out of it. Nowadays it's hard for me to believe in anything because back then I couldn't trust my own brain. How was I supposed to trust anyone or anything else? Anyway, I slowly realised that there were no demons, no sky spirits. The terrible, evil voices in my head were my own. I was doing this to myself.

I've had depression for around six years. Last year I started and stopped self-harming. I've been clean for around seven months now, but my self-esteem is still really low. Even though my mood has improved since I've gone on antidepressants, it's difficult to think of myself as anything above pathetic, stupid, the worst. And lately I've been thinking back on that little nine-year-old kid who somehow was able to believe they were special.

I feel stupid saying it, but sometimes I do miss my delusions. Maybe not the fear that came with them, but I miss thinking of myself as important enough to warrant such threats. I miss feeling like I was worth something, like there was something about me to value.

And I know what everyone says: You're worth it. You're a human being with value just like the rest of us. And I know that. But there's a big difference between knowing and believing. When my world wasn't real, it was hard for me to know anything, but I believed. Anybody who is religious really has no idea what's out there, but you believe anyway.

So anyway. I miss my self-worth. I miss my faith. I don't know if I'll ever be that little kid again. Thanks for reading.

Hi Gluggaveður,

I want to start by saying that I don't think there's anything foolish or ridiculous about missing the feeling of being important or special; those are very, very nice ways to feel, and since it sounds like your self-esteem is in a low spot right now, I can see how that might make you miss it even more.

I'm hearing a lot of insight from you about how you're feeling, including that you're recognizing the fact that knowing and believing something don't always happen at the same time. But something I've learned is that sometimes, having a lot of insight into ourselves, or turning that level of attention and analysis on ourselves, can kind of feed negative self-image that might already be there. So, if it would be helpful, we could certainly talk about some to address those feelings of low self-esteem, and even talk about ways to maybe "fill" that gap in belief.

Since it sounds like you've been able to access some mental healthcare, have you been seeing a therapist in addition to medication? Too, congratulations on the seven months without self-harm; that in and of itself is a huge accomplishment on your part.

Thanks for responding. I do indeed have a therapist as well as a psychiatrist. Back in November, I was Baker-acted because my psychiatrist figured I wasn't safe at home at that time. She was probably right, haha. Then from late December to early March, I spent some time in a program to work on my mental health. I'm getting the care I need. My therapist and I have been discussing my self-esteem issues, but I haven't yet told her about my past delusions.

I'm glad to hear you're getting on-going care! Do you feel like you're at a point where you want to broach the topic of the delusions with your therapist, especially if you notice yourself missing them lately? If so, we can certainly brainstorm some ways to introduce that into sessions.

Too, I just want to make sure: was home not deemed safe because that psychiatrist believed you'd hurt yourself? Or was it unsafe due to someone else in it?

I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about my delusions with a therapist. It's almost funny. It's easier to talk about this kind of thing on an anonymous message board, but talking about my thoughts and feelings with someone I know, trust, and care about? That's difficult. It feels stupid, but I feel like even my therapist knows me too well and is too human for me to confide in. It feels like I can't let anyone know me completely.

As for last year's safety issues, that was all me. I live in a rather safe home. My psychiatrist was worried I'd harm myself or commit suicide, because I had expressed such dark feelings and thoughts. I hadn't told anybody I'd been self-harming. After leaving the hospital I went cold turkey. I have a safety plan and the number of a suicide hotline saved in my phone. I'm safe at the moment.

Got it. You safety is the most important thing, so I wanted to make sure we had an accurate picture of what the unsafe situation had been so we could support you (or refer you to folks who could) appropriately, but it sounds like you've also taken huge steps in terms of looking out for yourself and safety planning.

I hear you on it being easier to bring stuff like this to anonymous spaces; and there can be a dynamic where, if we have a therapist we really click with and trust, some hesitance to bring them things that feel super heavy or loaded to us. This may sound odd, but what if you started by mentioning that there's a topic you're not sure you're ready to bring to them and explained why the way you did to us here? That in and of itself could be a beneficial thing to unpack.

Okay, I can try that. Thank you.

You're very welcome!