Scarleteen

i don’t really have a point here, i just want to reflect on my previous presence on this board.
i was being raped and coerced by my ex ‘boyfriend’. the stuff i was posting about? almost nothing that happened was consensual, but i felt like if i spoke about it as if it was, i’d be able to regain some sort of control over my situation. that never happened. we split in april, with no contact after the fact, leaving me to reflect on the assault and mistreatment with nobody to go to. i look back on my posts here and feel ill. he was terrible to me. i feel like i lost myself in this fantasy world where things were okay and consensual to get myself through it, but i just sounded… delusional. i’m sorry.
on a nicer note, i’m doing better now. in june, i met a really darling guy who’s now my boyfriend of nearly 6 months. he knows about what happened and is deeply understanding and accommodating, and we have a healthy sex life. i hate, though, that he’s seen me shut down and start crying and curling in on myself because of flashbacks, or that i can’t do certain things because they remind me too much of what happened. he’s so sweet to me, he helps me through it and always listens when we need to stop, but i feel guilty. i feel like i’m never going to fully recover. i love my boyfriend, we have something i’ve never had before, but i feel like my trauma burdens him.
i had to get that out, the fact that those posts are still up weighs on me frequently. sorry for the ramble.

Hi dollparties,

I'm so glad to hear you're doing better and have found someone who cares about and respects you! And there's no need to apologize for how you sounded in earlier posts; one of the rough things about unhealthy or downright abusive relationship dynamics is that people come up with all sorts of ways to cope with them, including framing them as better than they are or downplaying the negative parts. That's not something we'd ever hold against someone who was dealing with a crappy partner.

If you ever want to talk about navigating those trauma responses with your current boyfriend, that's absolutely something we can offer support around.