I feel robbed of my life

When you want support through something scary or rough, and help pulling yourself together and getting through, this is the place.
Forum rules
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.

Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.

Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
transfemandgay
not a newbie
Posts: 43
Joined: Fri Feb 21, 2020 1:35 am
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual/Aromantic
Location: California

I feel robbed of my life

Unread postby transfemandgay » Mon Mar 01, 2021 9:15 pm

I originally posted this on Reddit, and I'm too lazy to reformat it. So here it is copy and pasted. I just need a space to get this out.

I'm (F 18) a high school senior whose been in distance learning due to COVID since March of last year. It's been rough, and my work ethic has been completely destroyed, but I'm powering through it and trying to be a good student. Of course, being a good quarantiner, I've completely avoided any social interaction with anyone outside of my household other than grocery shopping and such. I haven't seen my friends or my girlfriend in almost a year now, but I wanna keep myself shut in so that, not only do I not get COVID, I don't look bad for breaking quarantine. My parents refuse to get me a therapist, let alone a diagnosis, but I know I've suffered from depression and anxiety disorders since I was a kid, and I'm starting to suspect I have ADHD and OCD. I'm also a trans girl, and most of my life has been spent presenting as a boy, even when I had the freedom that came with going to a pretty liberal high school.

I feel robbed of my life so far. Abusive parents and bullying stole my childhood. Mental illness kept me from pursuing any opportunity I would've enjoyed. Timidness kept me from buying a skirt and wearing it at school, even though I knew I would be accepted immediately. And, right when I realized my mistake and was ready to start taking it back in the last two years of my teenage life, COVID happened and took it all. I've officially lost everything.

My gf (NB 17) and I have both suffered pretty similarly. Abusive parents, mental illness, and quarantine. But, recently, my gf and I both learned that their younger trans brother (M 14) will most likely pursue and get scholarships for a foreign exchange program in Japan their sophomore to senior year, with support of their dad.

To say... we were both extremely jealous and bitter and angry is an understatement. We're trying to stay happy for him, but it was so hard. I immediately started bringing up Japan's issues with transphobia and homophobia, and xenophobia, and how different the culture is, and access to transgender friendly healthcare, and mental health services, and language barrier. That was definitely me projecting. My gf and I have to make up for lost time being born into abusive families, with mental illnesses, and at the wrong time that we lose half of our high school career. He will get it so much better and easier than us. We know that older people should strive for younger people to have it better, but, damn...

It hadn't dawned on me how much of my life I'd lost until the moment when we learned how much their younger brother will get out of their high school life. I know even if I did ask my parents to go on a foreign exchange program to Japan before COVID, they would've said "no" because of the costs involved and all the paperwork and the sending me to another country to live with a host family part and the hating me part, too,... or maybe they wouldn't... I don't know. I'll never know. Those opportunities are gone. My birthday was only a few days ago, and I just felt numb. I feel numb now. I know I have an entire life ahead of me... but... do I?

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7291
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: I feel robbed of my life

Unread postby Sam W » Tue Mar 02, 2021 8:04 am

Hi transfemandgay,

The way you're feeling is completely understandable. You're were already trying to survive a set of difficult things when COVID hit, and one thing the pandemic has been great at is knocking out the bulwarks a lot of us had in place when it came to our well-being.

It's okay to feel bitter or jealous, as long as that isn't creeping into how you treat their younger brother; it's not his fault that his parents have only now gotten better at being supportive, or that your parents remain unsupportive. That's on your parents and theirs. But I think you already know that, so I don't what to hammer on that point too much.

What I want to say instead is that there are lots of people, trans folks included, who don't really get to start living how they want until after high school. You feel like you've been robbed of your life, and that's an absolutely valid way to feel given everything you've gone through and are still going through. But something I've noticed in my own life is that the bulk of the exciting or interesting parts of it happened after high school. That's not to say what you're going through now doesn't matter, or that it doesn't suck to lose parts of your adolescence; it's more to say that you absolutely have an entire life ahead of you.

Do you want to talk about some ways, even if they're basically baby steps, of building towards that future life or feeling more in control of your current one?


Return to “Supporting Each Other”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest