So, a lot has happened. I am in Austria, have been because the pandemic got so bad in the US that I had to go to where my American family lives. Months later, my roomate moved out and so did I without saying goodbye to my house! We are currently in that process. I’m starting school as well and I had a bad, tiring day where I even discussed therapy, which has been the most troublesome.
After I had a disagreement with my therapist one session ago, I couldn’t really be on the same page with her. So now, we are deciding to move things forward. I don’t know what direction though. I considered today not getting a therapist because I “do the self hate talk” whenever I’m in a session and NEVER make big progress or move forward. My family hates it when I do it and so do I. I am hesitant to talk to them about my issues without hating on myself and getting scolded for self-hating. I don’t feel like I am trying and I am a big burden to everyone for talking about my issues, especially if they are my friends.
Oh yeah, speaking of which, I have a hard time maintaining a close circle of friends. Like keeping in contact consistently (including videocalls). On top of that, trying to get into dating is a little hard with COVID stuff too and having uncertainty also be a huge factor. And I don’t want to bother both potential girlfriends and current/potential friends with my shit too. However, I don’t want to feel constantly stuck with my family and feeling like I am the child with a lot of issues that drags them down. Like I am the one who needs to be helped or some shit.
I know that it is a lot. And I guess holding it in can only work for so long. Practicing self love is not easy with intrusive, OCD thoughts and mental health issues like that. So, I really don’t know what to do and I feel like all hope is lost. I don’t want to kill myself or run away, just feel like I am stuck in this state without any major good changes to be happening in my life. But, I do like school, academics, clubs, internship and I am working on transferring to a four year. However, its the social, creative and emotional and psychological stuff that I want to change for good (especially doing something that is really creative that makes an impact and getting a girlfriend and some solid friends). So, I guess what to do?