I'm finally going to do it. I'm going to put my own happiness first. I'm going to make my own decisions and stand by them. I'm going to fucking move out next week.
Oh... oh jesus... I'm going to fucking move out next week...
I've known this was going to happen for years, I've been planning this for months. I graduated in June, I knew it would come the month after. It's simple. Wait for everyon to leave, invite all my friends and the teachers I trust over, pack up my life in a few hours, drive off, and live with my girlfriend forever. Also, have the worst panic attack of my life, cry for hours on end, feel suicidal, endure more verbal and emotional abuse from my family than ever before, go NC and cut them completely out of my life, end up poor because of late stage capitalism, lose my apartment and life, and end up on the streets to die. See? Simple!
In all seriousness, I don't feel ready in any capacity. Whatsofuckingever. It just feels so abrupt. I would've rather I slowly drifted away from my family over the course of a few years. That's what my older sister did, the only family member I trust. She even admitted that to me! She went to an upstate college for 5 years, and then found a job in the most northern part of the state and moved there. Needless to say, I'd be the first in my family ever to just leave and go NC.
If I don't move out, I won't be able to get help with my mental health, I won't be able to avoid college, I won't be able to get a job I actually want, I won't be able to transition, I won't be able to live a life without fear. I went to a Planned Parenthood last month, and I found out that I don't even need a therapist or money to pay for HRT. I don't know why, but that hasn't left my mind ever since I found out. And, I know I won't be able to do any of that if I don't fucking leave.
I might be happier, but at what cost? At least my family isn't physically abusive. They bought me food, brought me to nice expensive restaurants when I wanted to, payed for my hobbies, and financially supported me for years. All without expecting me to work a dime for it. With a minimum wage job, I won't even be able to afford rent, let alone food, let alone any of the other stuff. My GF has had a Starbucks job for a few years now, and even with all their savings, we wouldn't last.
I ended up in the hospital in January in severe pain and had to be admitted for the night. There was a very real chance I could've had emergency surgery right then and there. And, I've had to have multiple doctor visits afterwards. I'm lucky because the military pays for any insurance costs since my dad's a veteran. A medical emergency could kill me, but going to the hospital to make sure I don't die would fucking bankrupt us, a fate worse than death.
The tradeoff just doesn't make sense. I trade financial security and a fucking family and hobbies and food and shit for... happiness and the ability to be queer and live without fear, oh, also, my phone will be constantly blowing up with calls and texts from my family. I don't know, man, the pros don't outweight the cons.
But, despite all of this, I... so fucking want this. I want this so badly, so why the fuck am I second guessing myself and thinking this is all wrong and a bad idea? I'm 18, what the fuck do I know? Nothing. That's right, nothing. Teenagers make stupid fucking decisions all the time, and this is one of them. I'll live to regret it. I don't know what I'm doing, and I need to stay with my parents so they can figure everything out for me. That's why, all that abuse isn't abuse and I deserved it. Or, maybe, that's just the trauma of my parents putting me down and gaslighting me and manipulating me talking...
My GF's family moved into a bigger, more expensive, better furnished apartment specifically to accomodate me. There's no turning back now. Maybe I'll die on the street losing everyone and everything I love. Maybe this is all a tiny blip in my life. Maybe I should just kill myself now and it'll all be over. It's a bad dream. Multiversal me in a different timeline didn't have to go through this, if you end it your soul could be transported there.
The fuck am I even talking about???
Funny... my GF's family (their dad and brother) all went through the same thing when the abuse by their mom was too much for all of them. Just up and left and went NC and divorced. And, all their mental health is... almost worse than before they left... oh god, please don't tell them I said that.
Anyway, uh, this was transfemandgay's 2:30 AM anxiety and depression induced ramblings. Like & subscribe for more content from yo' girl. I'm not gonna proofread any of this.