Relationship..

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Amamamelie
newbie
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Joined: Thu Jul 18, 2019 1:51 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: my personality
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Location: Johannesburg

Relationship..

Unread postby Amamamelie » Mon Mar 30, 2020 11:57 am

Hi! I’m asking , because I frankly do not know who else talk to about this, so why not to a bunch of strange people? ;)
I am 17 and in a relationship with a guy that is 19. He is a wonderful person and we met 2 years ago and have been together for over a year. I fell madly in love with him from the beginning and I had my first time with him, and he with me.
Now I just often find myself wondering about our future together and if I want him in mine... We have promised each other that we would be our first and last, and for a long time I enjoyed that thought and thought it possible. He is actually really great and an awsome boyfriend. A very genuine and nice person with a big heart.

I have come to the conclusion though, that I still want to explore my options more and not feel like I settled to early because I fear that in the long run it would break our hearts more. But then I also have the fear that I would regret breaking it off with him because I would never find another like him.
I’m not just afraid of that , but also because of the fact that he and my family are very very close and everybody loves him. That he moved to my country to study here and I am the only actual thing making him happy here because his family is now very far far away.
So in a sense I feel very guilty and tried for months to clear my head and see how I love him and that I was just being stupid and going through a phase and that I would not let myself give up something so wonderful as him..
But I noticed more today that when he says he loves me, I struggle to say it back.. and when he tries to have sex I am never in the mood or struggle to finish..
I feel kind of trapped in myself and with my circumstances and don’t now what to do because I know I will break his heart into millions of pieces if I start the conversation..
If someone can give me addvice.. I would be forever greatful

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
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Re: Relationship..

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Mar 30, 2020 12:14 pm

Hi Amamamelie,

It sounds like you've got some really tough feelings you're sorting through around this. It's completely understandable that you're starting to think about whether you want to continue this relationship for much longer. Even when we care about someone deeply, or promised to stay with them forever, our feelings and situations can change to a point where we no longer feel like a romantic relationship with them is what we want. It sounds like that may be what's happening for you right now.

Setting aside both that desire not to "settle" and how much your family likes him, can you give me sense of how you feel about the relationship overall? Are there things you wish the relationship had that it doesn't? Does it more just feel like the "spark" that you two once had is gone? Too, if you take a look at this article, do you find yourself identifying more with the "stay" or the "go" column: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Marisha
not a newbie
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Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2020 5:30 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: Aspiring sex educator
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My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: USA

Re: Relationship..

Unread postby Marisha » Mon Apr 06, 2020 3:58 pm

Perhaps this situation is less of a "should I leave?" and more of a "how do I go about expanding my options?" Whenever I have friends that question whether they should stick with something, their concerns are often with how their future will be affected by leaving their current thing behind, much like you are now. On one hand, it's hard to leave a good relationship behind because of that fear of being single. On the other, I think it does a disservice to both yourself and your partner to continue when these feelings of reservation are manifesting. If your head, heart, and body are all telling you that you need a change, you need a change. I have to ask: does the prospect of staying make you happy? Are you more afraid of meeting the future without him, or of being single?

I believe it's possible to voice your feelings of pulling away and letting this relationship run its course without damaging one another. Use that love you still feel for him to build a healthy relationship post-separation, or to make sure that he knows you're leaving to explore new things and not because he isn't a good partner. Explore your options for making the transition from an intimate relationship to a friendly one. For example, if you feel that you need space from him, ask for it. You shouldn't be afraid to communicate honestly with a partner, even and especially when asking to part.


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