Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Wed Mar 04, 2020 2:18 pm
Hi, usrname! Hope it's okay if I jump in here. Sounds like most the staff is off today, so I just wanted this throw this in here in case you come back today.
Since there seems to be a lot of mental upset here (compulsion, masturbating even though/in spite of it not really feeling good, lack of focus, feeling disgust but continuing the action), it sounds like pursuing some mental health services would be your best first step here! If you've perused some other threads around the forum here, you'll see the staff have talked quite a bit about how pleasure during masturbation/sex has a lot to do with headspace and state of mind. It would not surprise me if, once you've confronted this compulsion to masturbate and can just masturbate when you actually want to, you'll find that it feels good and enjoyable again.
I would suggest that you focus on finding a professional specifically trained in sexual issues or who mentions being sex positive and has experience tackling sexual issues. This is because our minds, like our bodies, are diverse landscapes. Just like you would see a specialist for a specific physical issue, you should look for the same in a mental health professional, and if not specifically trained in discussing sexual issues, a mental health professional may be too ill-equipped in the subject to really help you tackle the root of this compulsion.
That said, the benefit of going to a doctor who focuses in some sort of sexual dysfunction first, if that's an option open to you, might be that they can, at the very least, help provide some good references for recommended mental health professionals. Your primary care doctor might also be able to help with referrals of this nature, especially if you struggle with other sorts of compulsions in addition to this one.
I see your age listed in your bio - do you feel like these are professional options you can seek out at this time? Do you feel like your parent(s)/guardian(s) would support you in doing so? Do you have a school counselor and would you feel safe/comfortable trying to talk to them?
One thing you might start with while searching for a professional/waiting for your appointment time is to spend some time thinking on and journaling a little about this compulsion. When did this behavior start? Can you think of something or somethings that may have triggered it or encouraged you to keep going back to masturbation? Is there a specific feeling in particular that you experience before you feel the need to masturbate even when it's not enjoyable? Doing this may help you notice some patterns and give you a good starting off point when you do get an appointment time. (For example, you mention turning to masturbation whenever you feel bored. Maybe one thing you can try is taking up something completely new to you. I saw you saying you were learning about computer science, but is there something new you can take up that would also get you out of the house, maybe? Walking or biking around your neighborhood? Gardening? Hiking? A computer science club or maybe computer science classes? Do you have a local library nearby that offers some sort of classes? Can you join a new club at school?)
I'd like to encourage you to continue trying to do other things (like reading historical fiction) in place of masturbating as well! That's actually one of the suggestions for helping to break compulsive behaviors - try to do other things and at least break up the schedule of compulsive behavior. It may not feel like it, but it's possible that has been helping you gain back a little bit of control at a time. So good job trying this! And keep practicing this!