Transgender? (Mtf)

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Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sat Jan 11, 2020 8:16 am

Hello, my name is thea.

I'm 17 years old.

I was born a boy to a conservative Christian family, and around the time i was 12 or 14, i started becoming attracted to girls, so much so, i started wanting to be a girl with a girl.

Living in a Christian family, you learn that anything lgbt related is taboo and sinful, wrong.

I struggle with those thoughts, and with my talks with God, i constantly ask what's wrong with me and why am i like this.

I watched a video about gender dysphoria from, and i identified with a lot of questions and things trans girls think or go through.

After a couple years of questioning and wondering, i think i finally figured our i have gender dysphoria.

The only problem with this though, is my family would probably outcast me, ridicule me, and call me a perverted sinner if they found out.

My dysphoria comes and goes but it's almost a constant.

I've never told anyone I'm trans, or a girl, i can't keep these feelings between me and god anymore, i need advice, what should i do?

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Jan 11, 2020 8:35 am

Hi Thea,

I'm so glad you felt able to open up about this here, and I'm so sorry that you feel your family would be unsupportive if you came out to them. You deserve all the love and support you can get.

Since it sounds like your faith is important to you, have you had a chance to look into faith oriented resources and spaces that are both supportive of your identity? If not, is that something of interest to you?

I hear you expressing a fear in your conversations with God that something is wrong with you because of your identity. Since you may not have heard this much before, I want to make it clear that there's nothing wrong with being trans: it's just one of the many ways of being a human in the world. And since your faith is likely playing a role in this, I want to borrow a phrase from a trans loved one of mine (who is also a Christian): God doesn't make superfluous people. You are how you are, and that's completely okay.

Can, you give me a sense of what kinds of supports you have access to that might be safe places to come out or otherwise explore your identity? For instance, do you have any ability to access LGBT spaces, either online or in person? Or would doing so put you at risk of your family finding out? And while your family doesn't sound accepting, are there any people in your life or social circle who you know to be accepting of LGBT people (or belong to that community themselves)?

I'm going to link you to this resource if you haven't already seen it. Trans Summer School is long, and not all of it may be relevant to you right now, but it's jam-packed with resources and information that can be really helpful: Welcome to Trans Summer School!.

CaptainWildRose
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:01 am

I've looked around, I'll check again later :)

But to answer your question, i don't own a car or a way to meet lgbt people, I'm in a very close family, i never leave the house unless it's for meeting family lol

And, unfortunately i have never met any lgbt people, and if i did, i don't think i could tell them about my problems, I've lived as a boy for so long, and only coming to terms with this now, I've never been able to come out.

And my faith is rooted in me, i haven't explored much of the lgbt Christian community, mostly because the bible seems to contradict trans feelings from what I've read.


And finally, there's really no one i feel like i can tell without it being at risk of turning around on me.

Thank you for responding :)

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:18 am

All that detail is super helpful, thank you! Since it seems like you have some ability to be online, would it be helpful to maybe explore online LGBT spaces? You wouldn't even need to come out right away (or at all) but being around other people who share some of your experiences could be helpful.

There are quite a few resources out there for queer and trans people of faith. My favorite is Queer Grace, because it does a great job of really digging into the ways in which religious texts and practices can be compatible with (and even support) queer and trans identities. In fact, they even have an article looking at what it means to be trans and christian, with an examination of the (scant) verses that have been applied to that question: http://queergrace.com/transgender/.

Can I also ask what your schooling situation is like? Are you in public school, a religious private school, or home-schooled?

CaptainWildRose
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sat Jan 11, 2020 9:28 am

I'll check it out!

I'm homeschooled.

I'd love to explore lgbt spaces I'm just not sure where to look, thankfully online comes with anonymity, so I'm willing to look around.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Sam W » Sun Jan 12, 2020 9:01 am

Okay! You've actually found one such space already right here at Scarleteen! The "Gender" section of the boards in particular may have some useful conversations for you right now, but I encourage you to keep poking around, and even start conversation threads if you want to.

Certain social media sites, like Tumblr or Discord, can also have groups you can join or follow to interact with other young LGBT folks. Gender Spectrum also hosts online groups on a regular basis, which could be a way to meet other trans youth: https://www.genderspectrum.org/groups/.

Since you're homeschooled, do you have any hobbies or activities you do that get you out of the house?

CaptainWildRose
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sun Jan 12, 2020 11:07 am

Okay, I'll check it out :)

It's gonna sound almost sad but no, I'm mostly home and if I'm not, I'm with family.

Gone.Sorry.
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:37 pm

Welcome, CaptainWildRose!

I'm sorry you're in a place where you are not able to live as a girl. I can really empathize with your situation considering I am also closeted irl.

You've mentioned you can't keep these feelings between you and god anymore. Is coming out online a good compromise right now between no one knowing and coming out offline? Are you interested in resources for how to begin exploring outside your home and potentially moving away from your family so that you might be able to more safely come out?

CaptainWildRose
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sun Jan 12, 2020 2:45 pm

I'm sorry we're in the same boat of sorts.

And it does help, but I'm not sure if it's enough.

Unfortunately due to certain circumstances in my life moving away might take a extra year or two before i can be myself.

The reason for this is because i need to be able to support myself first and then when i get the chance I'd move in by myself so i wouldn't have to hide, but for now I'm stuck here.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby rubyted » Sun Jan 12, 2020 3:01 pm

Hi Thea! I hope it's okay that I'm hopping in on this thread.

Just want to vocalize more support for you - there's nothing wrong with you, and it's amazing that you're able to work through some internalized transphobia enough to recognize what you want and need and even consider vocalizing that online.

One article that comes to mind that you might like is this one, Impurity Culture: on Sexuality and Sin (https://www.scarleteen.com/article/poli ... uality_sin - sorry I'm not sure how to hyperlink that right now!)
You might also like It's Between God and Me (https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... god_and_me).

I'd love to know what you think of the way they discuss sin and one's relationship with God! I also want to remind you that, hopefully, this isn't the way you're going to feel forever. I'm not sure what the adults in your family tend to do when they grow older - go to college? Leave the home to join the workforce? Is there any kind of door that's open for you as you get older that you can keep your eye trained on as you process being in the closet at this point in time if moving out seems like it's not an immediate option.
Of course, I don't want you to feel trapped or like you're waiting to live your life - your life is happening right now, and there's joy to be found in that too - but I'm wondering how you would envision your ideal future to be like? I'd love to hear about that and what you might want to pursue if you didn't have to worry about family!

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Sun Jan 12, 2020 4:14 pm

CaptainWildRose wrote:Unfortunately due to certain circumstances in my life moving away might take a extra year or two before i can be myself.

The reason for this is because i need to be able to support myself first and then when i get the chance I'd move in by myself so i wouldn't have to hide, but for now I'm stuck here.


Of course! Moving out on short term is often done in desperate or extreme circumstances. There's a lot to organize and get together to prepare to move out. I was just asking if you needed help preparing or knowing what to prepare because I remember how scary it was to move out for the first time (and even times after that), and I wasn't homeschooled and had a family that helped prepare me to move out.

But if you're feeling like you're on track and know what you need to tackle, that's great!

CaptainWildRose
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sun Jan 12, 2020 4:45 pm

Any advice helps, my family wouldn't mind if i moved away because it's part of life but I'd probably need a good excuse if i wanted to move away upstate away from them lol

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sun Jan 12, 2020 4:53 pm

Rubyted - I definitely don't mind you jumping in! I encourage more discussion.

I read the articles and the way i was raised was with almost a homophobic and anti LGBT mind set, nothing serious other than it was "sinful, wrong, or perverted."

I'm trying to grasp the idea of god making me like this for a reason but I don't know.


As for getting away, i have a personal reason as to why i can't attend college, we also don't have money for it, as for enlisting, i don't think i could do that even if i wanted to, at the moment, my idea is to move out when i can support myself and know how to drive, and maybe move upstate or even out of state in the next few years.

My ideal future would if i didn't have to worry about family would be me transitioning and being able to have girl clothes and girl things, also having a girlfriend who accepts me and loves me. That's the ideal future I'm striving for.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby rubyted » Sun Jan 12, 2020 6:19 pm

I think internalizing and hearing that the way you are is sinful, wrong, or perverted over time can definitely be serious! Is there anything you feel like you're learning about self-love or self-compassion through this situation?

There are definitely ways to move out of the house that don't involve college! And in terms of manifesting/imagining your future - that sounds like a beautiful way to live, and it's so important to keep your mind trained on that or at least allowing the possibility of that future even if it feels far away. You deserve that. <3

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sun Jan 12, 2020 7:39 pm

rubyted wrote:I think internalizing and hearing that the way you are is sinful, wrong, or perverted over time can definitely be serious! Is there anything you feel like you're learning about self-love or self-compassion through this situation?

There are definitely ways to move out of the house that don't involve college! And in terms of manifesting/imagining your future - that sounds like a beautiful way to live, and it's so important to keep your mind trained on that or at least allowing the possibility of that future even if it feels far away. You deserve that. <3



I'm not sure how to love myself or have compassion for myself, as for others, i can be very empathetic, especially if their in pain.


And thank you, i hope that future is better than the one I'm getting now, everyone should be able to live as themself instead of living a lie.


As for the wrong and sinful part, i had it basically beaten into my head that it's wrong, it wasn't like they actually sat me down and yelled at me, but overtime through small conversations and meeting other Christians, i was always told it was wrong and taboo, so i struggle with that the most.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby al » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:28 pm

Hi Thea,

I just wanted to pop in real quick and say that I'm really, really glad that you're here.

Scarleteen is a space that was really important to me as a young person, back before I was even engaging with my sexuality or gender identity. I grew up in a small rural town where most people had very conservative beliefs and I didn't know a single person who was part of the LGBT community. I didn't even realize that I could be queer, because I was so focused on surviving and fitting in in that environment. But Scarleteen felt like a safe space and a home for everyone, especially if they've been told that who they are or how they feel is wrong, and it helped me hold on while I sought out other people and places and things that allowed for more queerness, more weirdness, and more of me being myself, exactly as I am.

I hope that, in the meantime, we can be that for you too. <3
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:47 pm

al wrote:Hi Thea,

I just wanted to pop in real quick and say that I'm really, really glad that you're here.

Scarleteen is a space that was really important to me as a young person, back before I was even engaging with my sexuality or gender identity. I grew up in a small rural town where most people had very conservative beliefs and I didn't know a single person who was part of the LGBT community. I didn't even realize that I could be queer, because I was so focused on surviving and fitting in in that environment. But Scarleteen felt like a safe space and a home for everyone, especially if they've been told that who they are or how they feel is wrong, and it helped me hold on while I sought out other people and places and things that allowed for more queerness, more weirdness, and more of me being myself, exactly as I am.

I hope that, in the meantime, we can be that for you too. <3



I'm so glad it worked out for you :)


I've been reaching out to multiple places, sites and people online and it's been helping quite a bit.

It's still hard to not be able to Express myself or meet others with Similar experiences or stories.


I honestly get really jealous and envious of girls in public, especially if they have cute clothes, it's hard to not constantly have it bug me.

Thank you for Sharing your story :p

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Jan 13, 2020 8:42 am

Hi Thea,

I'm so, so glad that reaching out here and other safe places has been helpful to you. You deserve all the support you can get. If there are any topics you want to talk about, or questions you want to ask, we're always happy to help.

Those feelings of envy make a lot of sense, especially given how restricted your options are for expressing your gender at home. Even if you know intellectually that other people aren't wearing those clothes AT you, it can still poke the button of "darn it, I could be doing that too if only things were different."

With manifesting and imagining your future, can you tell me a bit more about what the future you want looks like to you? Aside from living in your own space (or, at least, a safe space), what things would that future include?

With having compassion for yourself, and learning to push back against the messages you've internalized, something that can be really helpful is giving yourself permission to take your time. Sometimes people talk about self-love like it's this switch you can flip, where one day you have a hard time even liking yourself and the next you love yourself without any trouble. But the reality is more that it's a very non-linear process, and one that can take some time. I think you're actually already taking a big step in that process by seeking out spaces like Scarleteen where you can get messages that encourage compassion for yourself rather than shame.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:50 am

Sam W wrote:Hi Thea,

I'm so, so glad that reaching out here and other safe places has been helpful to you. You deserve all the support you can get. If there are any topics you want to talk about, or questions you want to ask, we're always happy to help.

Those feelings of envy make a lot of sense, especially given how restricted your options are for expressing your gender at home. Even if you know intellectually that other people aren't wearing those clothes AT you, it can still poke the button of "darn it, I could be doing that too if only things were different."

With manifesting and imagining your future, can you tell me a bit more about what the future you want looks like to you? Aside from living in your own space (or, at least, a safe space), what things would that future include?

With having compassion for yourself, and learning to push back against the messages you've internalized, something that can be really helpful is giving yourself permission to take your time. Sometimes people talk about self-love like it's this switch you can flip, where one day you have a hard time even liking yourself and the next you love yourself without any trouble. But the reality is more that it's a very non-linear process, and one that can take some time. I think you're actually already taking a big step in that process by seeking out spaces like Scarleteen where you can get messages that encourage compassion for yourself rather than shame.



Thank you, and my dream future would be having a nice job, having a nice new family (maybe from an lgbt community?) Not an actual family, and um, I'm not sure what other details i could really give.


I also, now that you mention it, have a, it's a feeling more than a question but, whenever i pleasure myself, my dysphoria goes away and makes me doubt wanting to be a girl then it comes back and is constantly there until i have another go, do you know anything about this, if it's not to weird to ask.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Amanda F. » Mon Jan 13, 2020 11:36 am

Hi Thea,

That sounds like a beautiful future, and I just know it is 100% possible for you to have it! Right now it might seem far away, but trust that you will have space to make that future come true soon. There are a great many people who will see you for who you really are and love you for it. I'm sorry that your family isn't giving you the support you deserve - but there are definitely others who will. You are at one point in your journey, and bringing up that vision of your dream life can help you get through some of the muddier parts.

I'm curious to know what kinds of positive messages you might give yourself (and would be happy to brainstorm with you if that would help). For example, sometimes I close my eyes and think to myself, "You're doing your best, and I admire that." Or "This is a good body and I'm proud of all the amazing things it does." Are there similar things you could say to yourself each day, like a little positive loving mantra? You deserve those loving and warm thoughts, and you can give them to yourself for starters. <3

Your question isn't weird at all! Dysphoria can ebb and flow, and you may notice that these shifts happen during different activities, including pleasuring yourself. It might also change depending on what you're wearing, who you are with, what else is going on in life, other changes taking place in your body as you grow and develop, etc. It's important to know that you don't need to feel dysphoria 100% of the time in order to be trans. Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough? has some more advice on that. Basically, you are in charge of your gender, and you know yourself better than anyone else. If you feel that you are trans, or non-binary, or whatever feels right to you...than that's what you are.

When our brains and bodies are aroused, that can put us in a different state of mind, and that can affect your dysphoria. Can I ask how that temporary shift in dysphoria makes you feel?

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:58 pm

Amanda F. wrote:Hi Thea,

That sounds like a beautiful future, and I just know it is 100% possible for you to have it! Right now it might seem far away, but trust that you will have space to make that future come true soon. There are a great many people who will see you for who you really are and love you for it. I'm sorry that your family isn't giving you the support you deserve - but there are definitely others who will. You are at one point in your journey, and bringing up that vision of your dream life can help you get through some of the muddier parts.

I'm curious to know what kinds of positive messages you might give yourself (and would be happy to brainstorm with you if that would help). For example, sometimes I close my eyes and think to myself, "You're doing your best, and I admire that." Or "This is a good body and I'm proud of all the amazing things it does." Are there similar things you could say to yourself each day, like a little positive loving mantra? You deserve those loving and warm thoughts, and you can give them to yourself for starters. <3

Your question isn't weird at all! Dysphoria can ebb and flow, and you may notice that these shifts happen during different activities, including pleasuring yourself. It might also change depending on what you're wearing, who you are with, what else is going on in life, other changes taking place in your body as you grow and develop, etc. It's important to know that you don't need to feel dysphoria 100% of the time in order to be trans. Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough? has some more advice on that. Basically, you are in charge of your gender, and you know yourself better than anyone else. If you feel that you are trans, or non-binary, or whatever feels right to you...than that's what you are.

When our brains and bodies are aroused, that can put us in a different state of mind, and that can affect your dysphoria. Can I ask how that temporary shift in dysphoria makes you feel?



First off, thank you for responding :)

And for the saying positive stuff to myself, i don't know what to say, I'm overweight and it's hard for me to appreciate anything from the way i look.


I heard somewhere that dysphoria was like an ocean, it flows in but back and then it rushes in more, it's constantly there even when it flows back which is what it feels like sometimes.


The shift in dysphoria, when it goes away for a bit, it makes me feel guilty, ashamed, and sometimes i question this, and recently i was thinking why should i even do this? I don't wanna lose my family or have to go through that, but when my dysphoria comes back i want nothing more than that future or to even just be able to wear girl clothes, sometimes i find some to wear when I'm alone but it doesn't do much if anything other than arouse me, i think it's because i know it isn't mine. I'm not sure.


Speaking of which, and my future, i started looking at the safest states for lgbt people and that were far away from California, and I'm currently looking at Colorado or maybe even maine, or maybe if i can't do that I'll move up north towards Sacramento.

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:25 pm

With saying positive things to yourself, if your body image if something you struggle with, are there other places you could start those affirmations? For instance, are there things you like about your personality, or skills you have that you're proud off? They don't even have to be big things at first, just things that give you a moment of going, "huh, I guess I am pretty neat."

Describing dysphoria as an ocean is a actually a helpful way of thinking about it, because it lets you acknowledge the fact that it isn't always at the same intensity. Too, as you get into a place in your life where you have more freedom to be out safely, you'll likely find that you get to do things (whether that's wearing certain clothes, starting hormones, etc) that do help lessen that dysphoria. But just because it lessens doesn't mean it was, or is, any less real.

Looking at LGBT friendly places to live sounds like some excellent future planning. Sacramento does have a pretty solid LGBT scene in my experience (I went to college nearby there), and if it's a closer location to where you are now, that could make it easier to get to once you're ready to move out (moving counties is less costly than moving states too). That being said, I can certainly see why getting as far away from your birth family as you can feels like a safe option. When you're looking at those other LGBT friendly places it can also help to think about what kind of work you'd like to do in the future, or if you have educational goals, or other things that might make one place a more obvious fit.

If you're looking for ways to stealthily explore your gender, there are a few in this article that you might be able to do: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. That can give you ways of feeling more like yourself that don't involve other people's stuff. Do you see any things in that article you might be able to get away with?

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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:46 pm

Sam W wrote:With saying positive things to yourself, if your body image if something you struggle with, are there other places you could start those affirmations? For instance, are there things you like about your personality, or skills you have that you're proud off? They don't even have to be big things at first, just things that give you a moment of going, "huh, I guess I am pretty neat."

Describing dysphoria as an ocean is a actually a helpful way of thinking about it, because it lets you acknowledge the fact that it isn't always at the same intensity. Too, as you get into a place in your life where you have more freedom to be out safely, you'll likely find that you get to do things (whether that's wearing certain clothes, starting hormones, etc) that do help lessen that dysphoria. But just because it lessens doesn't mean it was, or is, any less real.

Looking at LGBT friendly places to live sounds like some excellent future planning. Sacramento does have a pretty solid LGBT scene in my experience (I went to college nearby there), and if it's a closer location to where you are now, that could make it easier to get to once you're ready to move out (moving counties is less costly than moving states too). That being said, I can certainly see why getting as far away from your birth family as you can feels like a safe option. When you're looking at those other LGBT friendly places it can also help to think about what kind of work you'd like to do in the future, or if you have educational goals, or other things that might make one place a more obvious fit.

If you're looking for ways to stealthily explore your gender, there are a few in this article that you might be able to do: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear. That can give you ways of feeling more like yourself that don't involve other people's stuff. Do you see any things in that article you might be able to get away with?



I'm creative and kind, and can be very empathetic but I'm not sure what to say to myself with these things.


I recently learned how to do a ponytail for my hair and it's so nice, so i definitely have the option to play with my hair, just not around family, they already think it's weird I'm growing my hair out as it is.


I also started sitting on the toilet when i have to go number one, it also helps because it feels better.


And i may try Sacramento, it's far enough away so i wouldn't feel scared about living there if family was nearby.

Jacob
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby Jacob » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:04 pm

Hi Thea!

I'm creative and kind, and can be very empathetic but I'm not sure what to say to myself with these things.


You just did! I wanted to drop by and say how great it is you're able to talk about your qualities. I think something that has helped me is when I remind myself of those qualities, and remind myself of how those qualities can help me survive and face difficult feelings and situations.

Kindness is a really powerful trait to feel you have and it can be helpful to pivot your natural kindness towards yourself when you need it.

It could be as simple as making and decorating a poster that says "I am kind" (I was advised to do something similar once and it was very helpful) so when you are feeling shame and dysphoria, you can look at it and remember spending time making it and say "I am kind" not only to recognise one of your qualities, but also to think about what being kind to yourself in that moment could mean.
"In between two tall mountains there's a place they call lonesome.
Don't see why they call it lonesome.
I'm never lonesome when I go there." Connie Converse - Talkin' Like You

CaptainWildRose
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My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm kind
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Re: Transgender? (Mtf)

Unread postby CaptainWildRose » Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:02 pm

Jacob wrote:Hi Thea!

I'm creative and kind, and can be very empathetic but I'm not sure what to say to myself with these things.


You just did! I wanted to drop by and say how great it is you're able to talk about your qualities. I think something that has helped me is when I remind myself of those qualities, and remind myself of how those qualities can help me survive and face difficult feelings and situations.

Kindness is a really powerful trait to feel you have and it can be helpful to pivot your natural kindness towards yourself when you need it.

It could be as simple as making and decorating a poster that says "I am kind" (I was advised to do something similar once and it was very helpful) so when you are feeling shame and dysphoria, you can look at it and remember spending time making it and say "I am kind" not only to recognise one of your qualities, but also to think about what being kind to yourself in that moment could mean.



Thanks for the advice and Sharing.


The guilt, shame and doubt have been more annoying lately, I've been questioning if i even wanna be a girl.

But maybe a message on my phone would help, like if i made a picture with some kind of caption would help. I'll try it.


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