Scarleteen

i'm a 20-year-old college student, currently at home in suburbia for summer break. my dating history is basically a series of messy situationships with close friends, but i'm kind of between friendship groups at the moment, so i've been trying to date online.
it's a nightmare. i get plenty of attention, but everybody is looking for a hookup (or a threesome, ugh, fuck your own boyfriend), and when i do have a good conversation with someone, it fizzles out before we make any plans. i'm just trying to go on a date. is "let's go out for coffee" some unrealistic romcom daydream?
i'm bi, but i don't date cishet dudes, so i've mostly been using the app Her. but i've also tried bumble, hinge, etc, too many goddamn apps. is there somewhere else that's better for that sort of thing? could i be projecting the wrong vibe? is there a way to meet dates in real life that doesn't involve, like, approaching strangers on the street like a total creep?

It is from my personal experience that it is always better alone than in bad company, don’t feel rushed. You have your whole life ahead of you, although you can take my words as boastful seeing as I am only 19 myself, but you’d be doing yourself justice by just looking to find people you get along with as a person more than anything.

I don’t use dating apps so I can’t help you there though. But I feel online dating doesn’t offer that real connection between people, and I also feel that as long as you have a reason to interact, someone will like you. It’s not hard to get a date, it’s way harder to find someone who sticks.

Hi confusedinlove,

It can for sure be frustrating to feel like you can't find a connection in spite of trying a bunch of different platforms. With the apps, it could be that there are things you could adjust to make it clear what you're looking for and what you're not interested in, and we could certainly do some brainstorming around that. But if you've been doing that and are still getting mainly messages you're not interested in, it might be that apps just aren't a good fit for you.

Too, you might find it less frustrating to look for partners in person rather than through apps. Can you give me a sense of what your social life is like overall? Do you have a lot of activities or community spaces you're involved in?