So I’ve been struggling with feeling desirable lately and I don’t have anyone to talk about this with. I brought it up to a friend earlier today, but mostly what I got was an “I’m sorry you feel that way” which doesn’t help me. To anyone that reads this, what do you think and what do you think I should do about feeling this way? I will copy and paste what I wrote in my notes app that explains how I feel, but I will break it up so it isn’t so confusing:
I feel undesirable regarding my platonic relationships with males— or my lack theirof— and their social status based on attractiveness according to beauty standards, and perceiving the relationships girls/women and fem-aligned people have with males. And my exposure to social media only amplifies that. I have been feeling mildly jealous of friend(s) and classmates because of it, but I choose to ignore it.
I don’t understand why certain behaviors of men are as bad as people say they are. (I’m referring to the fact that men look up the descriptions of people they find attractive on porn sites). I ask politely, but people only shame people for asking the same questions as I do. I’m assuming it’s because they have a lot of experience being desired in a certain way that others like myself have not. Is it so bad to be okay with being desired in a way that many agree is sexualization?
Originally, I wouldn’t care whether a male I had a platonic relationship with didn’t view me in a sexual light, or found me sexually attractive. But after discovering the large amounts of males that have platonic relationships with girls/women who they view in this light, it makes me feel insecure that I don’t have it. And comments on the internet that shame people for wanting what I want as well makes me feel even worse. It seems as if we’re both coming from a place of ignorance; neither of us can really comprehend how the other person feels due to our mutual lack of experiences regarding the other person’s opinions.
I feel like my race, my complexion, and my physical attributes all play a part in this. (By physical attributes, I mean height— I’m 5’7.5”— my rounder face, and a couple other features I don’t want to mention). And I’m sure their are some people that would agree that I should be grateful I haven’t had much experience with this, but I can’t help but not feel excluded, and inadequate and worthless in social settings. This has definitely contributed to my gender dysphoria as well.
Your value as a woman is based off your desirability and the amount of men that want you. And if you don’t have those things, you’re seen as less than, and it really messes with your self worth. And being raised as a woman, even though I don’t feel like one, it still affects me.
I want to be desired in this way, but I also want to have friendships where I’m viewed as a person. I do have experience being pursued romantically, but it never goes anywhere due to my fear of intimacy, so friendships are the closest way I can get that feeling of desirability. I mean, I really don’t want friendships where I’m sexualized, yet it’s validating my worth at the same time. I hope I explained it well enough.
So yeah, tell me your honest thoughts, even if it may not agree with mine.