Content warnings: mentions of surviving sexual abuse as a child including child pornography
I am in a loving relationship of 4 years snd I’m in my early 20’s, I started viewing pornography when I was about 10. I am also a survivor of family bassed childhood sexual abuse, snd a lot of my abuse included being exposed too snd later used for child abuse material.
I have a great support network around me, a wonderful therapist snd I am beginning to heal from my childhood of abuse. I enjoy sex with my partner however I find it tricky to get into that headspace.
I view pornography probably every day at the moment, I go through periods where I stop myself snd take a break snd I notice when I do, that I have a better relationship with sex snd sexuality, but I feel as if porn almost drags me back. Like I said, I started viewing porn when I was very young, snd I also have lots of sexual trauma associated with pornography, when I watch or consume porn it doesn’t feel good. It feels shameful, snd I don’t like myself for watching it.
My therapist has suggested I take a break from viewing porn, to try snd reconnect with wether or not it is helpful or right for me as a survivor of abuse imagery. I want to be able to learn how to masturbate without pornography, but I don’t know how. It is as if watching porn is so tied up in my experiences that I don’t know how to feel sexual pleasure without it.
I would appreciate any advice on reconnecting with sex and masturbating without porn, or if there are ways to more constructively engage with porn snd pornography.