I think it's definitely the latter, but also a bit of a former too. I have noticed that during sex I tend to drift off into my own fantasies quite often (not fantasizing about someone instead of my partner or anything like that, just general fantasies or scenes from smut), but that time, although I still had some fantasies I was extremely focused on my partner, the way he moves and sounds and etc. Now I am trying to snap myself out of it and focus on reality if I feel like I am drifting off too much, but it doesn't seem to help a lot. That time we definitely did something I have been fantasizing about for ages (specifically being a top), but as I mentioned before, we have tried to do it several times again and it just never felt the same to me for some reason.Heather wrote: One thing that really got my attention here is that you talked about really being engulfed in the experience that one time: do you have any sense of if that time it was so much about what you were doing -- which it sounds like you have tried to replicate without a similar experience -- OR if it was instead about that experience really having your full attention? In other words, with other times where you're not feeling as satisfied, would you also say you were as focused and as immersed in the experience as you were that one time?
So I can definitely relate to "intensity" and "spark". Maybe also "passion", "energy", "enthusiasm". Sometimes I feel like it's kinda similar to masturbation, but together with another person.Heather wrote:Too, if you're able, do you feel like you can give any more words to what feels like is missing your you emotionally or psychologically? Even if it's just free association, it might be helpful to try blurting a bunch of them out -- like: "warmth, closeness, intensity, spark..." stuff that might feel random and not useful, but might turn out to give us all some good clues.
I was wondering about this part - because it's not like when we just started to have sex it felt great and exciting, but over time the spark faded away. Reflecting back, I think this feeling of missing something has always been present, it's just that at the start I dismissed at as us not yet being very experienced yet, or as me having unrealistic expectations from the experience. It's also not like we are always doing the same routine every time, we do try out different things and experiment from time to time, it's just that that particular time for some reason really clicked. So in this case would you still suggest to try separating sex life from normal life and trying something new, or does that change things?Heather wrote:It might be that because you've been in this relationship for a while now, you're dealing with things just feeling...well, like you've said in your last sentence there. Comfortable. Maybe *too* comfortable.
All relationships are obviously different in terms of what kind of sexual chemistry we feel with them. In some, that part of them is really intense: in others, not so much. I'm going to assume that you've felt at least some sexual interest and attraction since the start since this was a relationship you chose to have as one with a sexual component. Am I right there, or is this something that felt more like a default than a choice?I was wondering about this part - because it's not like when we just started to have sex it felt great and exciting, but over time the spark faded away. Reflecting back, I think this feeling of missing something has always been present, it's just that at the start I dismissed at as us not yet being very experienced yet, or as me having unrealistic expectations from the experience. It's also not like we are always doing the same routine every time, we do try out different things and experiment from time to time, it's just that that particular time for some reason really clicked. So in this case would you still suggest to try separating sex life from normal life and trying something new, or does that change things?
Thanks a lot! It was an interesting read - I think it can definitely give me some insight into the issueThea Kat wrote:I'm not sure if it will be helpful for you, but if you're feeling a bit stuck and looking for some inspiration to help you zero in on the exact feelings you're craving/missing, this (or similar exercises) could be a starting point!
Yes, you are correct to assume that! I chose it rather than going with the flow.Heather wrote:I'm going to assume that you've felt at least some sexual interest and attraction since the start since this was a relationship you chose to have as one with a sexual component. Am I right there, or is this something that felt more like a default than a choice?
I think I usually tend to be the one suggesting things to try and attempting to initiate sex as my partner has lower sex drive and less interest in sex overall. I try to hold back though as I don't want to make him feel pressured + I know that if he is not taking action himself he is most likely just not in the mood.Heather wrote:can you tell me a little bit about how sex has gone historically in this relationship when it comes to how you both decide what you want to do? Has it been something where it's been pretty mutual as far as initiating sexual activity has gone, and pretty mutual about whose ideas are followed with what to do or try? Or has it been more one-sided?
I had a couple of guesses why I might feel this way, but I don't really want to jump to conclusions yet. First one is about our sexual preferences not really combining that well (both of us are leaning more towards top-y or dominant roles and preferences), second one was about what I mentioned above, our discrepancies in attitudes towards sex. I am not entirely sure about either of them though. In the first case, well, it's not like I am never in the mood for going a bit more submissive, as well as not even always in the mood for the opposite, and he has expressed that he is open to taking on a submissive role too from time to time. As for the second case, I am not sure if a general attitude towards sex from one partner can affect experience that much. It's not like he is switched off or unenthusiastic during sex, so I assume that the attitude shouldn't be the case (?)Heather wrote:One of the things I was going to ask you was if you had any thoughts about what feels missing -- what are you looking for in your sexual life? What do you want from it most?
So I guess something closer to this, really getting into the flow, maybe losing track of time even. I am not sure if this is very helpful thoughYou like sex to feel all-encompassing, intense, and passionate. Maybe even animalistic. You're very in tune with the energy between you and your partner during sex. You love the idea of letting go and losing yourself in the moment. For you, the best sex is when time seems to stand still.
That's, unfortunately, where I hit a brick wall - I don't really know how exactly I could get into this kind of mindset/experience, and why it doesn't seem to happen for me. Sometimes something seems to be working a bit, but when I try it again it doesn't for some reason... I struggle to figure out why that happens exactly, and not sure how to approach that.Since the idea of really being in the moment and letting go appeals to you, are there things you think the two of you could do to generate that kind of space or experience? Does it feel like there's something in the way of creating an intense experience?
That's a very fair point! I haven't really thought of approaching it from this direction but constricted myself with these definitions. I'll try to discuss that with him, and hopefully if we find a dynamic we both enjoy this issue will be gone. Thank you!I also wonder if it's be helpful for you two to experiment with the dynamics and roles you take on during sex, or even play around with the idea of how might look between you. I think terms like "top" or "dominant" are useful, but sometimes we can get a very narrow ideas about what being that way in a sexual situation looks like. You could spend some time talking about what elements of those roles appeal to you and which ones appeal to him, and look for ways to combine or play with the dynamics you each like to create something new, rather than starting from a point of assuming that in order for one of you to take your preferred role, the other has to lean towards a role that they don't feel as excited about.