Transition fears, lack of sexuality, body issues

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Transition fears, lack of sexuality, body issues

Unread postby goldensomething » Sun Mar 07, 2021 9:14 pm

I am 20 and consider myself aromantic/asexual, and I'm nonbinary transgender, and want to eventually have surgeries to transition, but there are some things that I'm afraid/unsure about.

The first thing is that I want to have a hysterectomy as I don't want to become pregnant or have uterine issues and the idea of being capable of those bothers me. But when I tried to research about how a hysterectomy affects people (I don't want to do anything unless I'm fully ready and informed.) I found a lot of things that said that it was a disaster for people. Calling it "female castration" and saying that it ruined their lives, they lost their sexuality and confidence, and made them less able to enjoy life. I'm already not a sexual or confident person, but that still scares me. I know some hysterectomies remove the ovaries as well, and I don't know what kind of effect the absence of hormones from them would have on me. I don't think I have a lot of estrogen (my body is not very developed looking, and I am not very sexual) but I still don't know what not having it would do to my physical health. I have heard that lack of sex hormones can cause osteoporosis, and that women who have ovaries removed have to take estrogen supplements. I really don't want to have to take estrogen supplements as that would somewhat defeat the point of having the surgery. (I also am unsure about going on testosterone - see below.)

The second thing is my sexuality. Or rather, lack of. I consider myself aromantic/asexual as I don't experience sexual attraction. (The romantic side is more confusing but I know I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum so I just say aromantic.) But the thing is, I do masturbate, but I don't really like it? I'm honestly not sure about it, and that's the problem. Sometimes, a few times a week on average, my body just gets aroused and I start thinking about sex things a bit and so I go look at some porn and touch myself. I don't finger myself because that's hard to do (It is hard to fit my finger in.) and isn't pleasurable. I just touch the clitoris through clothes. It feels... nice, I guess? I wouldn't say it feels good, though. I don't think I orgasm. Sometimes it takes me just a few minutes before I do it enough that my body stops wanting it, and sometimes more like an hour. Afterwards I feel neutral usually, or annoyed that I now have to change my pants or underwear if they are damp, or annoyed that I still keep thinking about the porn I looked at while I'm trying to do other things, or sometimes bad if I looked at some weird porn. (I don't use porn websites so I just use google images, and sometimes it shows some very weird things. I have seen "loli" porn drawings, and it disturbs me because the women are intended to look like children and they look similar to how I look.)

Generally I wouldn't mind not having that need to masturbate, but sometimes I wonder if in the future when I am living with a partner (I have been in a committed long-distance relationship for several years, and plan to eventually live together with my partner, who is on the asexual spectrum but sometimes is sexual.) if it would be nice to have some kind of sex or touching with them occasionally. And sometimes, because of gender dysphoria, I feel very uncomfortable with the fact that my body becomes aroused and I look at porn, and those times I wish I did not have that. If I had a hysterectomy, would it reduce the need to masturbate? Would it affect the amount of pleasure I can have? (Which is currently very little.)

The third thing is my issues with my body. I am short and thin and not very developed looking. My chest is small or average for my size, but because of the way my ribcage is shaped (I have pectus excavatum so my chest goes inward) when I am wearing clothes it looks quite small. (But still looks like breasts.) And I have little body hair and my hips are somewhat--but not very–-curvy. I feel like my body looks like that of a pubescent girl. This makes me uncomfortable because I am a nonbinary adult (I don't have a feeling of gender and wish I could opt out of having to have a gender.) and I would like my body to reflect that. I am somewhat afraid of creepy people being interested in me because I look and sometimes act (I have autism) like a child, but that is not a big issue because I am not very outgoing. My dysphoria is sometimes about how I am perceived but mostly it is not about meeting other people's standards of gender, it is about wanting to have a body that looks like what I am. I plan to eventually get top surgery and not keep the nipples. (If I someday decide I want nipples after all, I could get them tattooed on, so I'm not worried about that.) And as I previously said, I want a hysterectomy but have those fears about it. I also plan to get some specific tattoos that will make my body feel more like it is me.

I have heard of micro-dosing testosterone for nonbinary transition, and I like the idea of some of the effects of T, like voice deepening and body fat redistribution, but I am unsure about others, like increased acne (which I already have, and am badly scarred on my back from) and bottom growth. My dysphoria sometimes makes me uncomfortable about the fact that I have genitals at all. I don't know if T would be right for me, as I don't want to become masculine, I want to become less feminine. Ideally I would not look masculine or feminine or childish, without being in-between any of those things, but I don't know if that's possible. I don't want to have a gendered form, I just want to look like myself.

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Re: Transition fears, lack of sexuality, body issues

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Mar 08, 2021 8:47 am

Hi goldensomething

It sounds like you're taking a lot of time to think about what changes to your body would and would not help you feel more at home in it, which is awesome! With the hysterectomy, if it's something of interest to you I would start out by talking with a healthcare provider. That would give you a sense of the risks and benefits, and how it might fit in with other elements of transition. For instance, if your ovaries are removed as part of the process, you may want to be on T ahead of time so your body doesn't go into menopause.

As far as T itself goes, if low-dose testosterone sounds like an appealing option, you can read more on it (including how to navigate feelings around whether to do it) here: ... stosterone. With the other feelings about how your body looks, how much room have you had to experiment with gender presentation, whether that's hair, make-up, clothes, or something else entirely? Have you found ways of presenting that feel like they remove some of the discomfort with your body?

With arousal and masturbation, since it sounds like you're masturbating but not really wanting to in the first place, have you had a chance to look at this article? ... _the_first. Does any of the advice in it feel like something you could try?

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