Content warning: I’ll be talking a lot about my weight in this post
Hi! I’m an 18-year-old queer girl and lately I’m having lots of weird thoughts about sex in relation to my weight. It’s a little complicated, but I’ll try to explain it clearly.
I’ve struggled off and on with body image since I was 12 or 13. I know I’m not overweight and I don’t have an actual eating disorder or anything, but my weight tends to fluctuate throughout the year, I get really insecure when I’m heavier.
About a year ago, I gained a little weight during the holiday season and I just felt really fat and gross, so I started looking for body positive models on Instagram. I found some photos of big, gorgeous women posing in bikinis and lingerie, and I had a little gay heart attack. I started having fantasies about sleeping with very large women. In the past, all my crushes were my size or smaller. I still feel attracted to skinny girls, but lately, bigger women just seem so much sexier. (Just FYI, I’ve never actually dated anyone, so my only experiences with attraction are with one-sides crushes).
Since I found those pictures, I’ve been having really weird thoughts about sex and my own body. I’ve gained 10 pounds in quarantine, and I think it’s making me horny. I’ve found that I get really turned on when I touch my stomach. Sometimes I hide in my room and rub my belly (especially after a meal), and I swear it feels so good. I’m even having wet dreams about being extremely fat or eating until I’m stuffed. I always identified as a more masculine queer girl with an athletic body, but I think being a bit heavier makes me feel more feminine and sexy.
For the first time in years, I’m not scared of getting fat. In fact, I sometimes catch myself wanting to gain more weight because I think larger women are so hot. I know I’m not one of those “extreme feeder” people, but sometimes I dream about being 100 pounds heavier and I get so turned on by the idea. I’m not going to start binge-eating just to get this new dream body, but I’ll admit I’m really curious about how I would look and feel if I keep gaining weight. I know everyone tells me that I’m not supposed to change my body just to be sexy, but I really like how I feel about myself and I don’t think putting on an extra 10-20 pounds would hurt. I’d still be considered a healthy weight. Is it wrong to gain weight on purpose just because it makes me feel hot?
Do you have any tips for dealing with the relationship between sexuality and body image?