This is a long story, sorry about that.
I am a 20 year old biological female who identifies as gender nonbinary. I feel more male than female, and wear men's clothing, but there is definitely a feminine streak in me.
My relationship with birth control and the idea of sex is complicated. I'm a virgin, and thought that I was asexual until I was 18.
My parents gave me the talk when I was 10, shortly after starting fifth grade, and I remember being traumatized and crying and saying that I was going to be a virgin for life. The idea of sex felt dirty to me, and I barely thought about it for years. I know my parents were not trying to corrupt me, they are super liberal and have supported my entire life journey, and I'm thankful for them.
When I was a freshman in high school, there was a guy who sexually harassed me constantly. He never actually touched me, but there was a time when he told one of my friends what he would do to me if he had his way with me. The friend refused to tell me what exactly he said, but I think he wanted to rape me. I don't think I was ever as scared as I was while it was happening. I didn't tell an adult what was going on while it was happening, even after I had a massive panic attack later that year that messed with my mental state for the next few years. I told my therapists a couple of years later, after he was out of my life, and didn't tell my parents until a little over a year ago. Looking back on it, I really wish I told someone earlier, because I know that my parents, my mom especially would have made sure he got punished. The idea of him raping me scared me into thinking I was ace until I was a senior.
I started my first relationship my junior year of high school. By then I was out as pansexual and nonbinary. I was with this person for over a year, and I'm happy that it happened. Even though we were official, we never really did anything intimate, except kiss. We didn’t really want anything more to happen. When things ended, I still considered myself ace and preferred females, I was even ready to label myself as a lesbian.
My senior year, I was competing in a forensics competition, and while I'm waiting for the first round to start, I met a young man who was also a senior. We had met before and I remember talking to him, but we really clicked this time. He seemed sweet and nerdy, my type of person. Then I realized he was on the conservative side, and I said, “I’m a lesbian and identify as nonbinary. Are you okay with that?” He said that he considered himself to be conservative, but said that he thought people should do whatever makes them happy. I was okay with hearing that, and he exchanged phone numbers. I told my friend about him the next day, and she asked me if I had a crush on him, and I realized that I did.
We talked for the next couple of months, but I really didn’t like the idea of telling him that I liked him. The fact that I had a crush on a cisgender guy was weird to me, and also with him being conservative, I had no idea if he would view me as a biological female or not. In January of that year, I went to see the doctor for my physical, and I told her that I liked him, and maybe I should finally start thinking about birth control. I went home not thinking much of it, and we started talking, and that was when I realized I wasn’t asexual. I started freaking out, and told him that I felt like I was having an identity crisis, and he was what was wrong. There was no way I was going to say, “I want to have sex with you!”, I was very vague and said I was thinking about doing something I never did before, by that I meant masturbation, but with the way I was wording things, I think he thought I was going to hurt myself. I reassured him saying that what I wanted to do was harmless, and that I was going to be speaking to my counselor about it later that week anyway. I think he was still a little worried about me.
A little over a week later, we were talking, and he said something that ticked me off, I knew he wasn’t trying to, but what he said made me realize there was no way I was going to be with him, and I said, “Sometimes I feel like with my gender identity it makes it even harder to find a relationship.” I just got mad and sent the text before I realized what I was doing. I think that made him realized that I liked him, and it freaked him out, because he stopped talking to me then. It took a month to accept that he ghosted me. I wonder if he just couldn’t accept that I was part of the LGBTQ community. Well, that’s his problem.
Since I had that identity crisis, I was really starting to think about birth control, and I told my parents that I wanted to see my doctor as soon as possible, and I ended up getting really emotional when I told them. They didn’t understand why I was so emotional, I never told them about being ghosted till later. My mom scheduled an appointment, and my dad thought I wanted to have sex with one of my friends who was younger than me who came from a more religious background. This chat sent me again to the counselor’s office in tears where I said that I didn’t want to be traumatized about my sex life before I even had one. I love my parents, and like I said, they are super supportive, but seriously, I thought my dad knew better than to make assumptions like that. It was hard enough that I was trying to get birth control even though I knew there was no way I was going to have sex with the person who made me realize that I wanted sex. At least I was going to be ready for college.
I literally almost died while trying to get birth control. I settled on an IUD, and got one in the Spring of that year, but when I went back to get my ultrasound a couple of weeks later, they found out that I had a fibroid tumor in my uterus that caused it to balloon over three times its normal size. It prevented the IUD from going in all the way. The real sting of that was that I found out about it hours before I was going to go on stage at my school and give a very personal speech about my growth as a member of the LGBTQ community, and I was super tempted to blurt this information out, but I didn’t.
At first, the doctor didn’t think that the tumor was going to hurt me since it wasn’t cancerous, and suggested an implant. For some reason, the tumor combined with the implant caused me to almost menstrate to death, and I went into the hospital with my hemoglobin level being a 5.3. I was in the hospital for 5 nights, received a gallon of blood, a unit of plasma, and had to have a D&C. I almost didn’t move into college on time. I got the okay from my doctor to move in the day before, but I had to get an additional operation a couple weeks later to get the tumor removed. My uterus shrunk from 15 centmeters to 4.5 centimeters, and since then I got another IUD, and have had a clean bill of health since, thank goodness.
Shortly after moving to college, I met a young woman who was my neighbor. After one conversation with her, I began developing feelings for her. She treated me horribly, and her spell over me was so powerful that I couldn’t realize it. There were multiple times when we scheduled to meet, only for to cancel on me at the last minute, or sometimes never even show up. When I look back on it now, I don’t know what I saw in her, I don’t know why I trusted her to share so much personal information, I actually loved her. I loved her more than the person I was officially in a relationship with in high school. If I were asked whether or not I was in a relationship with this woman, the answer is, I have no clue. Everyone who knew what was happening between us told me that she was treating me horribly, and I needed to let go. I knew they were right, but I loved her too much, I was under her spell. I don’t know why sometimes we fall for the wrong people. She flunked out the first semester, and moved out of campus. She said we could stay in touch, but one day over winter break, without any warning, she blocks me on social media, and kicks me out of her life. I cried in my parents bed for the first time in years, and my mom reminds me of how she treated me, and that I was smart, kind, and attractive, and she emphasized, yes, I was attractive. She also said the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve”, for why sometimes we fall for the wrong people. Even after that, it still took me a long time to recover from it, I almost confronted her multiple times, but someone always managed to talk me out of it, and just a couple of months ago I finally began to feel like I was starting to break free from that spell.
I am staying home due to Covid and am taking all online classes this year, but I met another young man in one of my classes. He seems nice, and he has similar interests. I am interested, but I am keeping things to a minimum this time, but we are planning to videochat and do a watch party sometime over winter break. I finally worked up the nerve to tell my parents about him, and they seem to like him with what little I told them. Right now I’m really just looking for a friend, but I will admit to getting a little overexcited when he called me “buddy”.
Going back to my senior year, when I started thinking about masturbation, I didn’t work up to nerve to do it for another several months. The thought of it seemed dirty even though I wasn’t raised to think like that. My parents really encourage it. When I finally worked up the nerve to do it, it was euphoric, and I continued doing it for a couple of months, but then when I got hospitalized I got put on pelvic rest for about eight weeks. I feel like I have got to be the only virgin who has had to be put on pelvic rest. When I was able to, I felt too self conscious to do it at college because I was paranoid about my roommate coming in the room, so I waited till I was home for winter break.
After that woman broke my heart, I was beginning to have thoughts that maybe I should try to start pleasuring myself again and try to feel comfortable with myself, which I ended up talking about with my mom, and she talked me into letting her get me vibrators. I’m glad she did buy them for me, and I did use them a couple of times before coming home for Spring break, but then Covid hit. Even though my parents encourage me to do it, I just felt incredibly self conscious masturbating while my parents were in the house, so I just didn’t do it, until a few nights ago I found myself thinking, “If I don’t masturbate right now I am going to go out of my mind!”, so I finally did it after nine months, and it felt great.
I felt I should have been happy that I finally did it, but instead I kind of felt depressed, maybe because I probably won’t be able to lose my virginity until I am 22 or 23 years old given the global circumstances, and I want to do it with someone who treats me well. I also thought that even if I can’t have sex, now might finally be a good time to finally start feeling comfortable with myself.
I don’t watch porn, the idea of it makes me uncomfortable, instead I masturbate to movies/TV episodes that have my celebrity crushes, and I definitely have one picked out. Like I said earlier, I love older movies, so lot of my celebrity crushes were their cutest in during the 50s-80s, and my current celeb crush was just adorable when he was in his 20s.
I started thinking about masturbation again when I watched a movie of his that was horrible, but had the most satisfying sex scene I have ever watched, I thought I would come back to that scene and pleasure myself, but its been over a month, and I haven’t done it yet. I want to take it a step further though, he is in a B movie that I watched back in October, the night before my birthday, and I had a blast watching it. I want to turn on that movie, dress up like his character, say his lines, and have an extended masturbation session. To some extent, I want to become him while I do it.
These thoughts were getting a little overwhelming, so I messaged someone who was friends with my parents who would be good to talk to about this, and she is going to continue talking with me, but she also recommended me to you. She does approve of my idea. I just feel self conscious doing it while my parents are in the house. They say if I need privacy, just let them know, but then they would know I was doing it. I would also be rounding up some props, which I might have to ask them where certain things are, and I don’t want them to know my plan, and I don’t want to be questioned about wanting certain things, but the friend of my parents says they won’t judge me.
I think I’m finally ready to start exploring myself, what can I do to help myself feel comfortable, and to give this experience I want to have my all?