Hi, so I"m sorry, I don't know if this is the right place to write this, I don't really have a question, and this is so so long, I just kind of wanted to talk about this with someone, and I am way too ashamed and didn't know where else I could.
So I grew up in a very conservative household, as a young child I vividly remember my parents taking to me to yell at people walking into planned parenthold style organisations and my mum once told me that girls could not do everything that boys could because girls had to protect their precious child bearing organs. and then 20 years later I walk into the same organisation to get a pap-smear and I couldn't because apparently I have vaginismus and she couldn't even insert the speculum (I don't know if she couldn't physically insert the speculum or like she just saw me wincing and stopped).
I feel just beyond ashamed. Like I just feel broken, like my body has betrayed me. I didn't think I was nervous in the appointment (like obviously it felt a bit weird being half-naked, and such) the nurse kept on telling me to relax, but like I couldn't because like I didn't feel tense, and like I wasn't anticipating it hurting. Like I literally didn't have to do anything, and I couldn't even manage that.
I know this sounds silly but I just feel like "they've" won. Like I consider myself to be a very resilient person, I've successfully managed to preserve and find doctors who would take a medical condition seriously after years of being told implicitly or explicitly that I was a crazy hysterical girl. I had to deal with a lot of sexism and sexual harassment at university and persevered and I'm really proud of myself for doing those things, for learning how to survive. But now I don't feel like a survivor, I feel like a silly little girl.
A year ago I heard of the concept fo sexual shame and I thought that might be the reason I was not really attracted to men, and so I started really trying to tackle that and explore my sexuality and unlearn some of the stuff I grew up with. So for more or less the first time I started thinking about what I was attracted to, thinking about things that would get me aroused, and masterbating and like trying to explore my body more (although I haven't really in the last couple of months which kind of worries me), and I realised that I am probably a lesbian, so at the end of last year I joined an LGBT group and started dating women.
even though it was scary sometimes it was also exciting, and I felt like maybe there was hope for me, that I wasn't broken, that I could like have sex and enjoy it like I kind of wanted. and part of the reason I went to get the test was like part of this, I wanted to take control of my body, before I was always really scared that they'd like ask me questions about my sexual health and I was so ashamed of it, because I didn't need contraception or anything, because even thought I was ashamed of it I had zero interest in having sex with a man, but for the first time, like I actually wanted to talk about it, because like I kind of want to have sex now, and honestly I didn't really know what the risks and I just wanted to talk about it with someone I guess.
I feel so sad because like I actually kind of really liked maybe being a lesbian, like it just, I don't know like the first time I said it in the group, like I couldn't stop saying it (not to my family or anyone) and like I felt like i had found my people. I know that vaginimus is treatable, and the nurse said like part of it could be due to a persistant rash or something and not 100% all me being messed up, but I just,I don't feel resilient, I don't feel like a survivor, because I didn't, and so like even if it gets better, I'm just going to get it again and again because I'm just messed up.