I am a Transgender (pre-medical transition), Bisexual man, and I turn 16 very very soon. Relationships have always been very difficult for me because I am transgender, but also because I am neurodivergent. I have always had a very strange and distant relationship with sex, although I have been in relationships with sexual aspects before (safely and responsibly, of course). Masturbation has never really felt pleasurable to me and I'm not exactly sure why. Even if I feel aroused, it does not do anything for me and I have never finished. For a while I thought it was because I was on antidepressants and other medication and that would interfere with it, but I've switched medications multiple times (for several reasons) and I still get the same results when it comes to pleasure. When I was on Zoloft I did not get aroused hardly ever, and I don't think a masturbated a single time while I was on it (which was for nearly a year). I've considered buying a vibrator or maybe talking my doctor because I cannot figure out what the problem is.
Besides that, I usually date long distance (because of dating difficulties) so I have never had to deal with this during in-person sexual acts. I am a virgin and I am scared to lose my virginity. What if my complications with pleasure complicate things in my sexual relationship?
I've also heard that your mental health can significantly impact your sexual health, but I still don't understand because even at times when my mental health was stable I still never finished or even felt aroused. I've tried tea, I've tried as many different kinds of masturbation as I possibly could, but nothing has worked.
I've also realized that my ideas or expectations for sexual relationships change depending on who I imagine them with. If I imagine myself with someone feminine or with a woman, I do not see her doing anything for me, but I would do things for her or them. For some reason I do not like the idea of a woman or feminine person sexually acting on my body. However, I am fine with the idea of this because it is difficult for me to finish or even feel aroused anyways, so a relationship where I give and do not receive is alright with me. However, if I imagine myself with a man or with a masculine person, I would do things for him/them and also have things done for/to me. I think this might be because I feel like men are more likely to see me as a girl, and women are more likely to see me as a man. I don't know why I'm okay with this with one gender but not the other. Do you think there is a reason for that, or is it common among trans people? Or is it simply just my personal preference/experience?
I was also wondering if maybe it is more difficult for me to feel aroused because I am neurodivergent. Maybe I view sex or arousal or pleasure differently than everyone else? Or maybe I experience it differently? I'm not sure.
I'm sorry I kind of infodumped in this post, but I have so many questions. I am going to read the article "How do you masturbate?" after I post this and see if it helps in any way. Pleas get back to me on any of the things I covered in this, it's completely okay if I don't get answers for all! Thank you for your time