I'm done

[wolfcub]

I'm just done. I'm just going to accept it. I'll never find a girlfriend. I'll always be a virgin. I'll never know what it feels like to be loved

I've been on dating sites, no one ever talks to me. I've tried in person, now that's impossible. All of this has caused me more strife and loneliness than necessary. I still want someone to come into my life but I see now, life will never let that happen

I would say that I'm quitting but I guess that would be misleading. Because it's not quitting if you were never allowed to play the game in the first place.

[Heather]

Hey, wolfcub.

I can certainly understand how you're feeling, and I'm so sorry that you are feeling that way. Neither you nor I can predict the future, so I'm not going to dig in with those parts of this. But I certainly can talk with you about how you're feeling, if you want.

I have a handful of single friends who are feeling like this right now. One of my very best friends got dumped by his ex after an 8 year relationship in the middle of all this -- and for no real reason no less -- and despite being a very experienced dater (and I know this well, he's also my ex), is having an impossible time of it. Even people who have experience with dating and romantic or sexual relationships are having a rough go of it right now. We've also had more users than just yourself having this kind of poor luck and feeling a lot like you are. So, one thing to know is that this so, so isn't just about you or your failings: I think this is probably one of the worst times for anyone to be trying to forge new relationships of any kind in history.

Apps and dating sites in the best of times can be difficult to sort out. In a word, you often have to be good at advertising to do well with them, or just have some plain old dumb luck. But right now? Again, even people really good at this stuff are having limited successes.

My advice to people right now is not to be trying to date and forge new relationships. I know that that sucks when you're feeling so lonely and disheartened, but that's also usually one of the worst states of mind to start relationships in no matter the circumstances. We can talk more about why that is if you want.

It just is so unlikely to start something new that's good right now -- and safely -- and it also strikes me as something where it's so unlikely for people *to* find something new with someone who isn't being reckless, it strikes me as a likely recipe for failure or disaster from the outset. So, while I sure wish you weren't feeling this way about it, I do actually think it's a good idea to set dating aside for right now, for anyone, but especially for anyone who it is making feel worse instead of better.

What do you think about going ahead and giving up for right now and focusing instead on your own self-care, on other parts of your life, and on any of your existing relationships, like your friendships? Self-care can include just letting yourself feel the way you're feeling right now, btw: it would make sense to grieve all of this right now, because it truly is hard and painful.

[wolfcub]

"At least your friends have dating experience. At least, they feel like they have a chance. Me, I'm never given even ONE. I'm 21 approaching 22 yet I'm still a virgin, I've got no dating experience, no dating skills that I can acquire other than being my "shy, quirky and sweet" self, I've got ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

Need to be good at advertising myself? Well, I guess I can just give up then, because I suck at it. I wouldn't even know how to do that.

And on top of that, I'm fucking autistic. I got weird quirks and behaviors that would push any girl away.

Don't compare my experience to any of your friends because at least they HAVE dating experience. At least YOU have dating experience so that you can look back on. At least you know what to do and have done at least one!! At least you were given a FUCKING CHANCE!!!!!!!

I've got nothing. And yet, I have to keep going. I have to keep working on it. Because I didn't for 7 years and nothing fucking happened. I have to keep moving, even though it hurts, because if I don't, it will never fucking happen

Edit: I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have said all those things. I'm just frustrated. I'm jealous of everyone's experience with dating. Even the ones with terrible experience (as selfish as that is). The deck has always been stacked against me and now it's more stacked than ever. Even if I do work on myself, I just see no way out of this hole. That's why I'm always trying to search for people (despite never finding any that I want to date)

[Mo]

wolfcub, it's clear that this is a painful and frustrating situation for you, and that the current circumstances around coronavirus are making a lot of hard things even harder right now. I hope you can understand, though, that when you make a post here, someone takes the time to write out what I think is a very compassionate and thoughtful response, and your reply to that is angry and aggressive and feels like you're yelling at us, that's not okay.
I know you mentioned earlier this year, after we had to remove a very angry and violent post of yours, that it felt like venting that anger was the only way you could calm down in the moment. Sam had some thoughts in that thread, which you can find here, for other ways to vent those feelings when they come up. Did you give any of those a try, or is that something you'd be willing to try if you haven't yet? Do you need help accessing other anger management resources?

[Mo]

I saw your apology right after I posted this response; I appreciate it, but I do still encourage you to look into some of these other ways to vent the feelings you're having.

[Heather]

Hey, wolfcub.

Before I say anything else, I need to let you know that if you respond to us like this again, what's going to be done is your access to our services. It's not okay to yell like this at a service provider. This is my workplace, and I'm also the boss here. We don't yell at any of you, and I won't accept a workplace where any of us gets yelled at. No matter how you're feeling, that's just not okay. So, moving forward, if you see yourself starting to post like that again and want to still be able to use these services, please do yourself and all of us a favor and do not click post.

I'm not going to get too into this more because I really do think now is a better time to take a break -- especially given how you're feeling now, because if anyone picks up that vibe, they will soundly run for the hills -- and you say you're done. So, I do think for right now, it's best you be done and pick this up later on when the conditions are better and when you're also not in this kind of headspace.

But I want to remind you that I'm 50 years old, and most of my friends are around the same age. That's a good 30 years past your age, so have had decades you haven't yet to get some experience. And some of those friends I was referring to also had not dated at all yet at your age. I was the first partner for two of them, one who was 28 at the time, and another who was 32. They both since have acquired more experience, but they didn't have any when they were your age, either.

You're not a super late bloomer. I know you think you are, but statistically, you're really not. Being neuroatypical also doesn't have to be a barrier, and isn't something that is some kind of black mark. Not only are other people autistic or otherwise neuroatypical/neurodiverse you might date, even for those who aren't, the fact that you are is not the default issue you seem to think it is.

It sounds very much like you've gotten yourself into a headspace where you think it's only you in this kind of spot, which is always tricky for us, because we're sitting on the side of having seen numerous users who all believe that, so it's very clear to us this isn't just you. Like I said, almost everyone is having a very hard time right now, and many people also haven't started dating or being sexual with others at the age you're at. I think you'd be best served by trying to let go of that way of thinking before you try and start dating some more, because that certainly will be an impediment.

I hope that you can find some ways to take care of yourself right now so you can move out of what sounds like a pretty toxic and rough headspace to be in, and I also hope you can find some other things to focus on right now while dating is so nearly impossible for most folks, and doesn't sound like a good place for you with how you're feeling for now.