is this thing common among LGBT people, feeling so totally alienated?
my relationship with faith, with my body, my peers, my academic success and even with my country used to be much simpler before realising i’m bisexual, mostly SGA.
i was raised orthodox christian and many of the people who impacted me were deeply religious. it was a place of comfort, now it’s not. i wake up some days feeling pure hatred towards the church that calls me a degenerate, but other days i can’t help but get on my knees and repent fervently for my sins.
this country, just like this religion, is rejecting me like a failed organ transplant. i’ve lived my whole life here but it feels hostile now, knowing this isn’t the place to start a family. i think i’ll have to move away for college (and maybe forever), but i’m not ready to give everything up, not my family, not my history and not my language. will i come home one day to see my grandma in a casket? will i forget the language in which i first said “i love you”? will i go from feeling like an outsider because of my sexuality from feeling like an outsider because i’ll be an immigrant, basically changing nothing?
i feel like i need to compensate for being into women, like i need to show i’m good enough to be respected despite it. i’m not that cool, or that nice, that pretty or anything, i’m perfectly and completely average. it always makes me be the last choice, i feel like i need be more than that to be okay, to compensate. it’s shameful and i feel it in every cell in my body, in every roll of fat and my brow ridge and my small eyes and my every joke that didn’t land, in my every B+ in school and i don’t think i could be ever loved for what i am.
i’m always disconnected from my friends. my feelings for other girls are either hidden away in my mind or communicated in the form of “no homo” jokes, all the while my friends can talk freely about whatever they like (not tiptoeing around in conversations, trying not to say anything ‘sus’ or ‘gross’).
does anyone else feel like this or am i just going absolutely mental?