why isn't kissing nice?

[monsoonjack]

Hi, my first post. I'm in my first relationship. My girlfriend is lovely and we are both working things out together, we've been together 6 months and are both very shy with it. We've kissed on a few occasions, once covid allowed us to meet. The first time it happened my thought was "is that it?" I thought kissing was meant to be really nice but it was solidly neutral and tbh a bit gross. She seems to like it and i havent mentioned this, so we keep doing it. But it's starting to get me down and make me feel a bit icky. What's wrong with me? Should I tell her? I don't want to hurt her feelings.
[Things to note: I'm autistic, usually I don't like physical contact but I'm happy to hug her and stuff.]

[Sam W]

Hi monsoonjack,

Kissing is one of those things that is often presented as being universally wonderful, but the reality is that kissing--like every kind of sexual or physical contact--produces some "meh" or unpleasant feelings for some people. So, there's nothing wrong with you if kissing just isn't feeling good or pleasant to you.

Too, sometimes it's a matter of finding a kind of kissing that does feel good, since not every kind of kiss will feel good to every person. For instance, some people like kissing with just their lips, but cannot stand the feeling of tongues getting involved. Are there parts of kissing that you enjoy, or so far has it all been just not pleasant for you?

[monsoonjack]

It's all just not that pleasant really. I like seeing her happy? That's the only saving grace of it ^^'

[Sam W]

Got it. It may be that kissing just isn't something you enjoy, and that's okay. All of us have things that we do or don't like doing with our bodies. Too, if you tend to not enjoy physical contact, then kissing may be part of that overall pattern.

Are there other types of intimacy, physical or not, that you both enjoy?

[monsoonjack]

Just like, hugging and being near each other. Neither of our parents know, and half our relationship has been during lockdown, so even just logistically it's harder to do more than that, but I don't think I'd want to go further anyway.

[Amanda F.]

Hi monsoonjack,

It sounds like you have a pretty good sense of what you want and don't want at this point in the relationship, which is great. Just to echo Sam, it's completely fine if kissing isn't a thing you enjoy or even want to do.

I'm glad you like seeing your girlfriend happy - that's a mark of a good partner! You also deserve to be happy and comfortable, too. Since you mentioned it feels a bit icky and it's starting to get you down, this sounds like it might be a good time to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel about kissing and other kinds of intimacy (by the way, here is a big list of alllll the kinds of things you might be interested in doing with your girlfriend, all across the intimacy spectrum.)

How would you feel about starting a conversation with your girlfriend about how kissing makes you feel, and also what other kinds of intimacy you do enjoy with her? You'd probably want to emphasize that it's not kissing HER that the issue, but just the act itself, and that you really love X and Y with her. How does that sound?

[monsoonjack]

Thank you. I will try to bring it up.

[Sam W]

I hope the conversation goes well! If you need some extra tips on how to have it, this article can be really helpful: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner.