I've rarely been getting on dating apps nowadays so I'm beginning to wonder if this is something I even want anymore.
I rarely ever feel affection towards anyone. I can't even remember the last time I did. I feel like some part of me is telling me this is something I want but now I just don't know anymore.
Ever since the quarantine started, I've been completely disregulated. I lost my job, I couldn't go anywhere, I lost any way to meet new people and I got stuck living in the same stupid house that I went to college to get out of in the first place. I haven't been texting my friends as much as I used to. I start the conversation and then forget it even existed until the next week or more. And that behavior has transfered into my dating apps, only for them it's longer. And I know that that's a serious turn off for girls.
The few times a girl did respond, it would seem like a single unrelated question is enough to make them never talk to me again. Here's an actual example
2:21 PM Me: Who's that on the wooden horse with you?
2:38 PM Her: mario (slight giggle emogi)
4:06 PM Me: Lol. Is that your mask or someone elses?
I'm not sure what I did wrong here, but it's pretty freaking clear how my autistic awkwardness is showing.
When I was at college, I felt like I was ready because there were clubs, a job, a place to live with a roommate who was admittedly anti-social but didn't criticize what I was doing with my time every two seconds. I felt like it was a place where I could build myself up and live life. But now, with everything that's happened and the system crashed and reduced to the same place I was stuck in before, I wonder if I should just accept that I'll never know what it's like to be touched, kissed, or to let someone into your heart. That I have neither the motivation or even the potential to be attractive to someone. And that it doesn't matter if I'm a catch or not because I'll always screw up the first encounter.