I think I figured out why I want a girlfriend so bad. It's because I've never known what it feels like. To have someone flirt with me. To touched and cuddled. To have someone jump from behind and give me a huge hug. I just want to know what it feels like to be close to someone and to be loved.
It feels like everyone else has at least some idea of what that's like. Meanwhile, I'm left with no one. And I always blame my autism (asperger syndrome and slight ADHD) for pushing people away with the "autism don't want love" stereotype and my complete inexperience and cluelessness caused by it
I think that's why I've been so anxious to get find someone. Because it feels like no one is going to come seek me out. But lately, I've just given up on the whole thing. I've been sent back home, where I have no friends left. I don't know how to interact with people online since it seems like a single wrong question will kill the conversation entirely. I always have to keep my disability a secret just to get by. And with the coronavirus killing any form of human interaction, I stand no chance. And what was even the point anyway? Why do I even try to pursue girls when I don't feel any attraction? Because I want to be given a fighting chance? Because I want to feel normal? Am I really that selfish?
I have no idea what I was even searching for in the first place. Besides, why would anyone date me? I've lost everything to this dumb virus. My job, my friends, everything. I feel useless and powerless. I don't even feel the hunger for human interaction anymore. I'm just a soulless vessel at this point
I just don't know what to do anymore