Hey, I’m 20 years old, starting to transition from male to female (currently over a month into anti-androgens; 100% sure I wanna be feminine, flickering between 70-80% sure I wanna fully transition), and only now got around to something I’ve kinda wanted to do for a while: That is, asking others about some questions I’ve had in my head for a fairly long time. Ah, also, apologies in advance: I’m not actually too sure where to post this. It could probably fit into boards like Bodies, Gender, and probably a few others, but since I’m not sure and it might stretch across topics a bit, I decided to post here. Oh, and sorry if it’s way too long; I opted for detail over being concise and ended up writing way too much, so thanks to anyone who reads through all this.
Basically, I’ve occasionally wondered for years (since I was around 14-ish) why guys in porn, and when talking about sex/masturbation seem to experience so much pleasure from their primary organ (stuff like heavy breathing, moaning, shivers, electric/ecstatic feeling). Like, I too enjoy such things; I get turned on normally, don’t have any dysfunction, my testosterone levels were (until starting transition) normal for a guy, etcetera. But I’ve never actually felt much physical pleasure from masturbation; if I had to compare it to something, it’s maybe like getting a belly rub, or eating a good chocolate, or getting a small hit from an energy drink. It’s pleasurable, but nowhere even close to ecstasy. The only time I could genuinely say it was kinda close, was back around when I first tried masturbating as a kid, and that might’ve just been because it was a new experience. If anything, I find that the process is a lot more enjoyable than the end, because at least I’ll enjoy feeling heated throughout.
I tried looking around the internet for anyone who also has my question, but could only find stuff relating to asexuality, erectile dysfunction, and other things that aren’t really the situation I’m describing. I still like masturbation, but I’m mainly getting pleasure from my imagination and fantasies; it comes from things like the idea of sharing lewd experiences with people, as well as from the idea of someone and I experiencing a lot of pleasure together.
I’m not entirely sure whether a lot of these feelings and experiences of mine are common, or rare, or even unique. Actually, for all I know, a lot of this could be perfectly normal. I guess it makes sense that I might not have much of a concept of how people’s bodies work compared to others… I grew up without my dad being involved in my life beyond very occasional visits, and it’s not like anyone would explain things about girls’ bodies and how they work to a guy… So really, my only source of understanding about how people and their bodies work is myself. I think that’s a big part of the reason I decided to post here; I want to learn more about these things, as well as compare myself and my experiences to others, so that hopefully I can find out more about myself, which will help me a lot in my thinking, reflecting, decision-making, etc. regarding transition and myself.
Ah, okay, this paragraph is about a very recent development, which is another thing that led me to deciding to post here. It’s not that important; only somewhat, but I think that it’s still important enough for me to include in this post. It’s just that, it’s potentially um… TMI. Feel totally free to skip this. I really wish I could use some spoiler tags to hide this… Maybe the line will help. Anyway, so… I just recently, for the first time… In the bath… Used my finger on myself whilst masturbating. It felt pretty shameful, and was actually fairly difficult (took a lot of energy out of me) but it actually got me a lot closer to something that I’d consider ecstasy, and it made me hopeful that fully transitioning to female might make sexual experiences a lot more enjoyable for me. Would it be a similar kind of thing, I wonder? I’m not sure. Perhaps, I’m really just not that well-suited for the (questionably) healthy male body I inherited, whether it be emotionally, mentally, or (considering this development), even physically. I actually still have a lot more to think about with this; I’d appreciate some conversation on this topic to help me reflect, but also it’s still really embarrassing...
So, some questions I have are: Is any of this normal? Is my body fine, or (even more) weird? Could it simply be because I’m not-that-well-suited to my current body; even physically? In that case, would fully transitioning (with surgery and all) maybe make these things feel better and be more enjoyable? Or, could I just be someone who finds more pleasure in the fantasising, emotion and lewdness than from the physical stimulation? If so, is that something normal for most people that just goes unsaid? If it isn’t, would there be a flag or LGBTQ+ cluster for that? And, is there anyone else with experiences similar to mine? Thank you to all reading this, for entertaining my scattered thoughts and questions here. I hope I did an okay job of putting this together to make it nice enough to read.