deciding where to live

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tomatopotato
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deciding where to live

Unread postby tomatopotato » Mon Mar 02, 2020 6:41 am

dear people on the message boards,
currently I have to deal with a big lump of indecisiveness regarding where to live. At the moment I am living in an aquaintances room in a shared flat for free since they are traveling for a long time in city B. However, I dislike their flatmates a lot. I simply do not feel comfortable there.
I have decided to go home to live with my family in city A, since they cannot support me financially to live anywhere else. (at least they say so, I am aiming for a pricy small room in a shared flat, nothing else) - but I am doubting that decision because living with people my age, to have my own space would support my mental health a lot and would make me a happier person overall. But having to decide is really hard. I have been having that discussion with myself for half a year already.
I don't know where to go. Staying here in this shared flat is not an option, but going home, living with my family would stabilize the status quo. City B is really amazing, there is a lot of political stuff going on in which I am really into and a lot of housing projects where I secretly dream to live. On the other hand my best friend kinda wants me to come home (even though they do support me in all of my choices, but they simply miss me a lot) and I do have a group of people at home which I'd like to get to know better.
My major anxiety around housing is that I have to decide and to stay in one place after all. I am also very afraid of working, because of comitting my time to it and needing the money to live, since I want to have free time for political stuff I am doing/want to do, and I might want to be more engaged in local protests in city A, so moving to city B (which is 8h away) would be not clever.
However, if I am viewing my struggle realistically, the only thing I am actually doing is worrying and doing nothing, because I am rejecting things since I am afraid I might not have enough capacity for anything that might come. I don't know what to do. Going home to city A would have some benefits, but I'd really like to live with people who are not my family and that is not possible in the same city, and I actually do not want to live there. I am afraid that I start to like the city to much and stay there forever, because my parents would like me to study in the city and to continue to live with them. Additionally dealing with all the bureaucracy around moving is hard for me, and I am not persistent enough to push through it alone.

Could someone give me tips how to break through the cylce of indecisiveness? I am yearning for some kind or stability and I do want to have a place which I can make my home, but my mind is so busy with making "possible future plans" that it keeps me from actually changing things. Also, I have to make this decision quick since I have actually told people that I am coming home and now I don't know what to do.

Gone.Sorry.
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Re: deciding where to live

Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Mon Mar 02, 2020 9:29 am

I've recently been stuck in some cycles of indecisiveness considering my own career situation, so I understand how frustrating this cycle can be!

First off, I want to address some of the type of thinking I see in your post. It sounds like you're kind of stuck in some black-and-white thinking. For example, you seem to think that the decision of where to live that you make now is the decision you have to stay with forever. But that's simply not true! I know it can feel like it when you're so young, but you can always apply for different jobs, move, save up money to move without having had a job lined up first, etc. There's still so much time in front of you. There will be a lot of changes throughout your life. Make your decision now for what's best for you now. You can always make a change later when you're in a better position to do so! You also say you're worried about work because then you won't have time for the political causes you enjoy, which makes it seem like you think it has to be one or the other: work or political activism. Plenty of people manage work and volunteering/social lives. While it's true that we do overwork and you will have less time for volunteering and protesting if you work, going to work doesn't mean working 24/7 and having no other life. You can also juggle things by doing things like: looking for jobs with flexible schedules, working hard for a few years to work up to a position where you have more flexibility to take more time off for your volunteer commitments, living on a tight budget and working a part-time job, and/or getting a job that's involved with the politics you're involved in.

So! You've got a lot of thoughts going on regarding this situation. Have you sat down and done a pro/con list for each decision? Writing all this down in a clear and organized manner might help you see it in a new way (maybe there's a lot more pros or a lot more cons for one that you aren't realizing or such) or just help your thinking slow down so you're able to more confidently make a decision.

After that, I would sit down and look at things very logistically and practically. What would you need to stay in the city you're at in a new flat? By when would you need a job and what would your rent limit be with a minimum wage job? Can you find a job and a flat by the time you need to move out of your current place? If not, can you set yourself a schedule to applying for jobs and searching flats while you're living with your family for a couple of months or so? Or do you have something lined up with your family already? Can you commit to doing that for six months, a year, or how long? With cost of living, how much can you afford to put aside for savings to help be a "moving fund"? With how much you can put away, how long do you need to save up for before you can afford a flat elsewhere?
Sitting down and seeing logistically and practically what you need in order to stay/move might help you see what decision you have to make for now, even if it's not the decision you really want to make.

To me, it sounds like you know what you really want to do, you're just not sure how to make it happen. I think doing the two above suggestions might help you sit down and work out the practicalities so that you can make some decisions. With some forethought and practice, you'll get better at managing these sorts of situations. Have some confidence in yourself and your abilities! <3

tomatopotato
not a newbie
Posts: 53
Joined: Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:17 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I´m good at making up weird stories
My primary language: English
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: straight woman
Location: Saturn

Re: deciding where to live

Unread postby tomatopotato » Wed Mar 04, 2020 2:08 pm

dear horriblegoose, thank your for your kind response!
I would not need much stuff, I am living very minimalistically. The critical point is the money I get from the government, I might not get it when I move states without going to school/University. And without that, moving is impossible. Additionally I am going to uni in october, my parents sad that it is pretty impractical to deal with all this bureaucry and dealing with it again in half a year when I have to move for uni. Honestly, if moving would just include packing my stuff and getting a job I would do it immediatly, but dealing with all of those forms and stuff is exhausting, and I might get in delay of money when I need it when starting uni.
Now I am doubting that idea overall, but my heart cannot wait for 6-8 months before moving. I want to have a home on my own so bad without being just a long-term guest somewhere.

Gone.Sorry.
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Posts: 150
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Re: deciding where to live

Unread postby Gone.Sorry. » Wed Mar 04, 2020 5:49 pm

I totally feel you! I went from living at home through HS, doing my undergrad for college in another city, moving back home, having a brief job back in my college town, doing my grad for college in another state, moving back in with my parents, temporarily staying in my parent's future retirement home, moving back in with my parent's again, moving out once I got a job, and now job hunting for more of a career-type position heavily looking into moving states again... You're just kind of at the time of your life where there's going to be a lot of upheaval and change and new opportunities and hard decisions.

Whatever ways you can do to make someplace feel like home can really help. Something as simple as investing in a piece of furniture (I still don't have any actual furniture besides one single chair that I got from the thrift store, but my sister's bought herself a couch or two for various rentals that help her feel like she really owns the space and has something that's hers), coming up with a decoration scheme (I have a blue theme I use for accents like rugs and shower curtains and I've curated a lot of art to display, which is largely fantasy and deep sea themed), participating in local activities (I tend to join gyms for this, but it sounds like participating in political activism/volunteering would be wonderful for you wherever you go), or even something like getting a pet if allowed where you live can help you turn someplace into a home! Making it a point to make some homemade meals for yourself and hosting friends over for potlucks and game nights and such can also make someplace feel more like home.

It can take time to settle in anyplace, even if you're settling into someplace you own. Ask yourself what makes you feel like you're "just" a guest and see what steps you can take to make a space more your own while you're living there! You deserve to get to be happy and comfortable with where you live, whether you're renting or you own!


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