I don't know what to do

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Hel
not a newbie
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:19 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I play D&D!
My primary language: English
My pronouns: She/her/hers
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: Austria

I don't know what to do

Unread postby Hel » Mon Feb 08, 2021 5:59 am

Kind of a rant, also notes about my background, and I need advice about a bad habit that I don't want to do but I started doing anyway. This isn't the kind of thing I normally post here but I need to get this off my chest. Can you answer as many of my points as possible? That would be so great, 'cause I'm stressing.

I did something that made me scared of myself. I started my self-harm habits again, and I haven't hurt myself since 2018. I don't feel suicidal or like I have serious depression, but I am really worried that I started this horrible habit again. I need to know how to stop self-harming: ASAP!

I can't say why I did it. (Four times in the last month or two which is more than in three years. I've never used anything other than my own nails.) I think it's because I'm sick of being in lockdown, I'm craving intimacy from my boyfriend, and I want to be surrounded by people other than my parents. I'm supposed to school soon, but I really don't want the date to get pushed back again. I also am feeling stressed out by the fact that I've come to terms with being both female and genderfluid, but also that I'm pansexual - no one knows about my sexuality.

I got into a fight with my parents. I have this interview coming up, and my mom made me feel bad. She wanted me to wear a different outfit but I really liked the one I had on. Anyway, I blew things out of proportion and I yelled and screamed at my parents. I get angry pretty easily. But I don't like the way they reacted either. They told me I was spending too much time online with my friends - which I understand - but they were threatening about taking my privileges away which is uncommon for them. I told them I wanted to take a break from online school - just for a few minutes, but they wanted me to talk to them. I can't do that in a heightened emotional state - they should know that, they're my parents! Anyway, so I had to go to class and they were like 'we'll talk about this later'. They stayed in my room until I came out of my bathroom and I felt like I had no privacy!

Usually I feel like I can talk to my parents about anything (they've grilled it into my head since I was little that they love me no matter what, I can talk to them, etc. etc.) but I don't feel comfortable talking to them about:

a.) sex/intimacy
b.) depression/self-harm
c.) my sexual orientation

They've never given me a reason not to want to talk to them about this but these are my most guarded topics. I don't know why. All I know is all three of these topics have been on my mind for the past month because of motherf*cking lockdown and I just want to go back to school. I have so many plans for going back and seeing everyone and I really want to stop harming myself. Inherently I think my parents are trying to help me by telling me to go outside and exercise, but they also don't know that I've hurt myself and that I'm more upset than I let on. (Aside from the argument today, when I yelled and screamed.)

So basically, yeah, I want to stop self-harming and I want to think more positively about the future. As for those three topics I listed that I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents about... well.... I don't know who to bring it up with aside from on Scarleteen because it makes me feel better knowing it's anonymous and that I can get good advice in minimal time. But if you guys have any ideas of who people (aside from my parents) I could talk to in real life or on another site about these three things, that would be great.

In short I feel happy and I actually have a ton of passions and ambitions. I have a great boyfriend, lots of supportive friends and family, and I'm about to go back to school, so I don't understand why I feel so upset and like I have to hurt myself. Please help me understand myself better. Thank you so much. <3

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7248
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My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
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Location: Desert

Re: I don't know what to do

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Feb 08, 2021 8:05 am

Hi Hel,

That all sounds really stressful, and it can be incredibly alarming to feel like you're slipping back into old self-harm habits. I do want to say that sometimes, when we're under a lot of stress or feel like other coping mechanisms are cut off, it can be easier to slip back into those habits.

Have you ever spoken with a mental healthcare provider, either in general or about the self-harm issue? In the meantime, I would reach out to somewhere like Headspace, where you can get professional support as well as peer support and other resources: https://headspace.org.au/young-people/u ... ng-people/. You may also want to keep this list handy, since its offers a lot of alternatives to self-harm (and sorts by the feeling you're experiencing, which is really helpful): https://www.firstpersonplural.org.uk/wp ... f-harm.pdf

We can tackle some of the other questions here soon, but first can you reach out to headspace or another mental health chatline/talkline today or tomorrow to talk about the self harm? I want to prioritize that.

Hel
not a newbie
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:19 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I play D&D!
My primary language: English
My pronouns: She/her/hers
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: Austria

Re: I don't know what to do

Unread postby Hel » Mon Feb 08, 2021 8:13 am

I have gone on 7 Cups online therapy and talked about feeling upset about COVID-19 and the LGBTQ+ issues. I did not go into detail about self-harm, but I hinted at it and there were some suggestions for coping mechanisms. I do think that I am good at stopping bad habits and trying to think more positively. But yeah, I am still upset I harmed myself a few times and I want to stop completely. I'll see about looking at headspace and the other link.

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7248
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: I don't know what to do

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Feb 08, 2021 8:27 am

It's okay to feel frustrated by falling back into the habit, especially if you feel like you were making good progress getting rid of it. But dealing with self-harm is often a non-linear process, and slipping up a few times doesn't mean you're not on the way to stopping completely.

7Cups is another good resource to have in your pocket! Headspace also has therapists you can talk with online, which hopefully means you'll be able to get in touch with someone fairly quickly.

Hel
not a newbie
Posts: 115
Joined: Mon Aug 03, 2020 11:19 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I play D&D!
My primary language: English
My pronouns: She/her/hers
My sexual identity and orientation: Pansexual
Location: Austria

Re: I don't know what to do

Unread postby Hel » Mon Feb 08, 2021 1:29 pm

Hi, I checked out headspace a little. I didn’t do the online chat yet but maybe I will soon. I did have a very important shift in mindset. I still want to address the self harm issue but I feel so much better and healthier. I think having a freak out might have been necessary.

I think one of the reasons for this was because of lockdown and also a big interview I had for school. But I just nailed the interview and I feel really good about it so that made me realize I’m not in a downward spiral. Also, I’m anxious to go back to school and I think not being back for so long has caused this habit to resurface. I’m hoping that if I concentrate on the positives and remind myself that I have people to talk to - online and in real life - that things will be okay.

I’m still upset about the state of the world and lockdown, but I feel much happier - I’m not entirely sure why but probably because of all the things I’m looking forward to.

Mo
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 1993
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him, they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queer/bisexual

Re: I don't know what to do

Unread postby Mo » Mon Feb 08, 2021 4:45 pm

I'm so glad you have those things to look forward to. :) I think that right now, when a lot of things are still scary and uncertain, it's especially important to hold onto anything that feels hopeful or positive. I'm glad you have some of those things bringing you comfort and happiness.


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