Hi mondilebel, and welcome to Scarleteen.
You may have noticed that I've removed a word from your original post--I did that because that word attracts horrible trolls to our website, so don't think you did anything wrong by using it!
I'm deeply sorry that you went through such a horrible experience, and that you're suffering through these distressing sexual thoughts about adults assaulting you, as a result. It's brilliant, though, that you're looking to build a healthier relationship with your sexuality, through your thoughts and fantasies, because that's a massive step forward in your healing process. What you're describing is really common among survivors of assault, in case you needed to hear it. But I have a feeling that this fact may not feel very reassuring to you right now, and that's alright too. Frankly, the best advice I could offer you is to approach a counselor or a therapist who's trained in helping people who have gone through sexual abuse of some kind. An easy way to start doing that is to start with a local organization for survivors, because they often have such facilities and services, or at least a network of other providers outside their own organization. You could also get remote counseling, if that sounds more workable. If you want any help finding such resources, please let me know, because I'd love to help.
Now, to start off our conversation about the issue at hand, I want to ask you whether you have had any non-abusive sexual experiences before. By non-abusive, I mean consensual, emotionally and physically healthy, and pleasurable. If so, do those experiences figure at all in your sexual thoughts? If not, do you ever have sexual thoughts that fit that description?
In the meantime, I'll rec a bunch of resources and articles down below for you to go through at your leisure.
Here are some book recs, too, taken verbatim from that last advice column :-
- The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Wendy Maltz is one I recommend often.
- This is an older book, so some of its language is outdated, but I find it a very useful general resource: The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault, by Aphrodite T. Matsakis PhD.
- Whether or not you have complex PTSD, I find this workbook useful for trauma survivors: The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole, by Arielle Schwartz PhD and Jim Knipe PhD.
- If you don't mind dense reads, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk M.D., is a deeply helpful book on understanding how trauma plays out and influences not just our thoughts and feelings, but also the whole of our physical bodies.
- And if you want to dip a toe into what it might look like when it's time for you to craft a consensual sexual life you want, I think my friend Jaclyn Friedman's book -- also herself a survivor -- What You Really, Really Want can be fantastic for this.
Apologies for the heap of material, I hope you find something in there that helps, even a little bit.