Hi! I haven’t been here in forever and I know I’m not exactly the age range for this website but this is the most inclusive, sex positive site I’ve found and it’s one of the few places I feel like I can truly be myself and not worry about being judged. What I’m writing now has been on my mind recently and I was looking for advice.
I know I’m a feminist because of my beliefs but sometimes I feel fake. I still have a lot of internalized sexism. In the grand scheme of things I know everyone had internalized prejudice one way or another (you can’t really escape it) but realizing just how much I have to unlearn is really bothering me.
I’m in my last year at college and I’ve spoken about issues through activists groups on campus and am a member of our feminist student alliance, so I feel like I should be a “better” feminist. But I still have a hard time speaking out when people say sexist stuff to/ around me.
A lot of people (especially men) will make generalized comments about women being overly emotional (somehow in heterosexual relationships it’s ALWAYS a woman’s fault if the relationship goes wrong because she’s overly jealous/clingy/rude/ doesn’t want to have sex/etc.) Even comments that aren’t about relationships seem to paint women as having emotional issues and being an unpleasant person FAR more than men. I suppose I could say this is because there are more women at my school than men but that doesn’t sit well as an explanation to me.
A lot of it is so casual too which really bothers me. Like men use “b**ch” so much in casual conversation even when not referring to women. But I just find the idea of calling someone a name that was used as an insult specifically to women problematic. It kind of goes along with the whole “women are worse than men” mentality I feel like I’m getting from many men (and some women who I feel must have internalized these thoughts like I have.)
One guy even made a comment the other day that really stuck with me and still bothers me. He was talking to a friend (I was in the general vicinity) and the friend said that this girl was being rude or whatever. He said something like “better hit her now before they make it that men can’t hit women anymore” (not that those were the exact words but the sentiment was like that).
This made me feel so uncomfortable and even guilty to be honest. I started thinking that he was right since I know people don’t take women assaulting men as seriously as men assaulting women (even though that in itself has sexist connotations and women aren’t even taken seriously most of the time when they report assault.) I also feel like the comments about women being “high maintenance” or whatever in relationship rings true. That could be because of my insecurity with not being in a relationship and fearing I would “mess it up” somehow but with all the comments I hear about men complaining about things women do in relationships (general things that are problematic regardless of gender) I feel like it’s gender issue which somehow makes it feel like a me issue.
I said all that just to ask how I can overcome these thoughts I’m having. I know I can’t make sexism go away, but it bothers me and I know it bothers other women, but I’m so insecure that I don’t even speak up. I feel like my defense is weak and somehow I would be wrong if I argued with the comments being made. Writing it out I realize that it makes sense why I’m bothered and what I’m seeing is sexist, but when it comes to voicing it I struggle.
Thanks for reading my long rant