Scarleteen

I just wanted to make sure to open something like this for anyone who wants or needs to to talk about how they are feeling as these state abortion bans are moving through government in the United States.

I can't speak for anyone else, but THIS is one of the biggest reasons I couldn't stop crying after the election, and why I needed to make a call to get myself on anti-anxiety and depression meds for the first time in years and years that first week: because I knew -- so many of us did -- that this was going to happen.

I've talked about it in an essay on the site before, but I am the child of someone who was effectively forced to have me because I was conceived when abortion was not legal in this country, and my mother could not even afford or access an illegal procedure (safe or unsafe) like some women at the time could: there is no end to how problematic that was and has been for both my mother and myself and certainly for our relationship. I also am someone who has both had abortions myself and worked in providing abortion. To say I have strong feelings about this is an understatement. To say I am horrified and terrified and mad as hell right now is also an extreme understatement.

I'm also happy to be here today for anyone who needs any accurate information (if you are having to argue with anti-choice people when you are super-emotional, it can help to at least be able to call their ignorance and lies out), or just needs to be seen in going off on any of this.

I've been having a hard time putting into words how scary and upsetting this situation is for me. I can't get pregnant myself any more, but that hasn't changed how strongly I feel about the importance of abortion access. I'm not worried for myself personally but for all the people who do still have to worry about being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term. It's just terrible.

This is one of those things where I feel like a huge chunk of us have been playing Cassandra (the woman in Greek mythology who was cursed to have no one believe her warnings, not matter how accurate) for the last few years, which just makes me tired. Like, at least there are people who have been working to prepare for this and are sharing those tools and resources with others (and people who are ready to fight the bans). But it's still exhausting to face this latest wave.

I don't know if this is happening for anyone else, but the rhetoric from the people passing and supporting these bans has brought up some intense feelings for me about my reproductive organs. Like, I don't want to be pregnant. Ever. And I have this primal reaction of, "well, if you're going to limit my options for safe ways to end a pregnancy should it occur because you ultimately think my main purpose in life is to create a baby, I want this sucker out." It's not a pleasant feeling, because it's not my reproductive systems fault and I should not have to consider surgery just to feel safe from an unwanted pregnancy.