Back in like, 2021, I wanted to write some smut. It had been most of my pornographic intake for a few months so I decided, hey, why not give it a shot? The problem here was that I was— and still am— extremely paranoid about being found out. I didn’t want it in my Pages, Notes, or anywhere else anyone, uh, randomly browsing through my devices files could find it. So I thought the best solution would be to write it through some online website. Plenty of sites let you share drafts, so I thought I could just write my stuff in there and save the drafts for myself to view later. I ended up settling on AO3, a very recognizable site, because it seemed to be the most used site for writers online and had very intuitive UI. The only problem here was that AO3 only lets you save drafts for a month, and then automatically deletes them.
Bizarre design decision, I know! But, anyway, I didn’t let that stop me, and instead decided I would just post my work instead of leaving it to rot in the drafts. So I did. I set up some rules, no talking to people in the comments ever nor trying to contact them on other sites— in fact I just turned the comments off on my work altogether. I also decided never to share any sexual drawings I had made, since art style is always something very unique and of course I didn’t want anyone to recognize me. I put very little information in my bio. For a few months I posted smutty short stories I wrote online. Some of them actually got pretty popular, to the point where people I found to be very respectable writers gave kudos to them. The most recent one I posted last summer, after not having written anything since that winter.
After the fact, I had realized it was probably a bad idea to have made such a hobby for myself. I still don’t see anything wrong in the actual content side of things, but posting them online definitely made some connections in my head that probably aren’t the best to have. I did genuinely enjoy checking on my works every few days and seeing how many people liked them, checking the profiles of people who bookmarked them, etc. Even if it wasn’t direct interaction, I would certainly call it a social thing. That I needed to take my stuff down really hit me, though, when I noticed one specific user who had bookmarked pretty much everything I’d written. I then checked her profile to see what her whole deal was. At that point I wished this site had a block feature. The things I saw made me sick (I do realize some of the people on this forum are “pro-shippers” and wouldn’t really see an issue, but I at least hope you understand that not wanting my stories to be associated with stories of pedophilia, incest, and beastiality is a reasonable boundary).
So a month or so ago I made a text document on my computer and copied all my stories into there, complete with the final kudos and bookmark counts, as well as the original tags I used. I also made some postscript for myself, and also in case I wanted to share my thoughts with a therapist. I deleted all my works off the site and made all my own bookmarks private, though I still use the account to keep record of the smut I read there.
All this to say that nowadays I still sometimes long to share my works online. I’ve somewhat surpassed my fear of keeping smut in my files, and I still have a draft of a piece I never finished hidden in there. But sometimes, especially when I have a fantasy that involves a character from a story with a developed fandom, I think of sharing it in spite of everything. I’m not sure why! I haven’t written really anything for a long time, and while perhaps smutfic might be a good way to get myself back on the horse, the desire to post it is frankly both embarrassing and also kind of dangerous. I’m pretty active in some fandoms on my usual social media accounts, and know— at least from a distance— people who also separately post smut on their NSFW accounts. It would be mortifying to come into contact with them through a fic I wrote, without them knowing I’m the same kid who reblogged their fanart last week! Or perhaps I really do want to get recognition from them?
I don’t really talk with my friends about my desire, so perhaps the need to have some socialization about it is just bleeding through into my online interactions. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happened. I’ve recently started lurking on a SFW fetish community online that’s really endearing to me. I haven’t interacted with any of the artists all that much, yet, but I have liked their stuff using my main account before. I will note here that what these artists produce is explicitly nonsexual, even if the fetish itself can be sexual. So I don’t think it would be too bad for me to publicly interact with them. Plenty of them are minors themselves and have pretty strict boundaries. I understand that even with all that, it is still definitely risky. Overall I don’t even think it’s that good of an idea, really, I just like to entertain the thought that maybe my friends won’t balk at my interests, that I could ever share my self indulgent art online, that there are other kids like me out there.
So, really, I’m not even sure if this all is a question at all. More of a confession. I’ve wanted to get these thoughts out of my head for a while, and I find writing (or typing) much easier than speaking.