Sexual kinks + Preteens = ?

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ded
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Sexual kinks + Preteens = ?

Unread postby ded » Thu Nov 12, 2020 11:30 pm

Yesterday I found my 11 year old cousin, doing a Buzzfeed quiz about different types of sexual activities and kinks on my laptop. I told her that she shouldn't be looking at things like that. She said that I was being "way too over dramatic" and that she "already knows about sex, so what's the problem?". Honestly, what is the problem? I'm having trouble explaining to her why I think it's unhealthy for her to learn about this stuff at such a young age. So, how should I explain why she shouldn't be looking at stuff like this? OR am I actually being "way too over dramatic" and should I just let her do her own thing?
Just for a little bit of perspective, here's the link to that quiz.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/ajanibazile/a-z-sexual-activities-quiz
There's actually a surprising amount of preteens in the comments.

Heather
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Re: Sexual kinks + Preteens = ?

Unread postby Heather » Fri Nov 13, 2020 6:06 am

I’d personally vote for a different option.

Looking at stuff like this at this age isn’t that unusual, especially with unsupervised access. But obviously, no one 11 knows all there is to know about sex, and how blasé they were about it let’s you know exactly how likely outside their actual orbit this was. Very. If it wasn’t, they’d probably have hidden it from you or expressed embarrassment.

Just seeing this kind of content isn’t likely to be detrimental IF someone is actually talking to her about it. I agree that some of the stuff in there for sure warrants conversation, like choking as a sexual practice, for example, and the necessity of informed consent with all of these things.

That’s what I’d suggest - talking with her about this and some of your concerns - instead of telling her what to look at and not to look at. That also helps her identify you as someone she can talk to about sex if and when she needs to, rather than signaling you will be someone to just say she shouldn’t be asking, you know?

Ideally, a parent or guardian is talking with her about sex and keeping some track of the content she looks at to let them know what kind of conversations to be having. Do you know if that’s happening?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

ded
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Re: Sexual kinks + Preteens = ?

Unread postby ded » Fri Nov 13, 2020 10:28 am

Thanks for the input!
I guess it's pretty normal for her to be interested in this stuff right now. I'm sure I wasn't much different. It's just that I get a little protective of her when it comes to this kind of stuff since I've had some unpleasant experience when I was around to her age.

We've always been really close. She talks freely with me about sex and other stuff, so it's not surprising that she didn't have any issue with me knowing what she was looking at. But if it was her parents who were around, she would be terrified. They're pretty strict. I doubt that her parents are able to keep track of what exactly she looks at, since she actively tries to avoid them from knowing anything about what she's up to. I also highly doubt that they talk to her about sex. They see it as a taboo topic.

She usually comes to me with any of her inquiries, so I take on the role as the "all knowing, older sister" figure. But I'm not as wise as she thinks (being 17 and all), but yet I still try (even though it should really be more of her parents' responsibility).

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 8268
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
My primary language: english
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Location: Chicago

Re: Sexual kinks + Preteens = ?

Unread postby Heather » Fri Nov 13, 2020 11:20 am

How do you feel about sharing some of those experiences with her, and talk about your concerns that way?

And for sure, it's super not cool for her parents to not take any responsibility here. Are they the kind of folks who you think would if they knew it was time to? So many well-meaning parents have this (utterly wrongheaded) idea talking about sex is one talk you only have when you think your kid is having sex with someone else.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


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