Am I overreacting or was this assault?

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon May 04, 2020 12:41 pm
My pronouns: she/her
Location: US

Am I overreacting or was this assault?

Unread postby supergirl22 » Mon May 04, 2020 12:45 pm

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

Several years ago in college I worked with a tutor who helped me in a lot of subjects that were important to my degree. Over time I became attracted to his intelligence and he was good looking too though I had no idea he was nearly 15 years older than me. After we were done working together professionally I asked him out. He said yes and we had a good first date, we hugged at the end but nothing happened. After that I sent some flirty texts which was exciting and thrilling as I had never been in a relationship before and I felt like finally someone had a sexual attraction to me. Before our second date I had suggested that we make out (now I had never kissed someone and was super self conscious about it). Looking back now I put it out there that I was ready to be physical but I realized that it was not the case. While we were sitting on the couch talking he suddenly put his hand down my shirt and started fondling my breasts. I was caught of guard and felt like i couldn't say no so I shifted positions to look out the window and he started caressing my butt so I moved again. He asked if I wanted to kiss him and I said "sure". I had never been kissed before so I didn't know what I was doing and he kept correcting me that I was doing it wrong. I felt super uncomfortable so I excused myself to go to the bathroom trying to figure out how I was going to leave. I walked out and he asked if I wanted to practice kissing some more but I suggested we take his dog to the park instead so that we were not alone. While at the park I made an excuse that I got a text that a friend needed my help studying for an exam and I left. In the car he kept talking about how he loved to watch my body move and how I turned him on. I dropped him off and left as quickly as possible. I hate to admit that I felt violated when really I basically asked for it. I ended things and apologized or my behavior. It took me two years after this to find another guy attractive and even consider the possibility of dating. I should've been stronger to say no. I should've never hinted I was ready to be intimate. Does this even count as a me too or possible sexual assault from the fondling. I don't know maybe I'm overreacting but it has really affected my desire to date. I'm just so embarrassed still.

scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 1930
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
My primary language: English
My pronouns: he/him, they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queer/bisexual

Re: Am I overreacting or was this assault?

Unread postby Mo » Mon May 04, 2020 3:57 pm

Hi there supergirl,
I know we discussed this on chat today, but in case it helps to hear it again: someone fondling you without your consent is absolutely sexual assault. This person was pretty clearly pushing your boundaries and not paying attention to any of the signals you sent about being uncomfortable; what he did wasn't okay in any way.
You saying you were interested in making out doesn't mean you were "asking for" anything; someone can say they want to make out and change their mind later, and consent around making out doesn't mean you're automatically saying yes to other sexual contact. This situation wasn't your fault, and you aren't overreacting to it; it absolutely makes sense to be upset about it.

Return to “Abuse & Assault”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests