i hate that im even thinking about this. i dont know why its bothering me so much. i keep telling myself its really not that important and im over reacting and it wasnt that bad. but its. still. bothering me. i dated this girl for about 5 months, she broke up with me for unrelated stuff about 2 months ago. she was really great and i really do believe she is a good person. the issue was the sex. i am not a very sexual person and i have a ridiculously complicated relationsip with sex and my own sexuality. we are both trans, so i kinda thought she'd at least understand that a little bit because of dysphoria,,, but no. more than half of the times that we had sex, it wasnt exactly my choice.
typically, this what it would look like: she just would start doing something out of nowhere like kissing my neck, touching my legs in sexually suggestive ways, or (most commonly) just start touching my, uh, area. id repeatedly say things like "stop", "no", "im not kidding", "seriously please stop", and "[safeword]". which she never ever once took seriously. she would just. keep going. and okay. so, im anemic and very weak and very short. she is healthier, much taller than me, and much stronger. despite this knowledge, id often try to push her off of me or move her hands. and that would result in her pinning me down or restricting my body in some way. it kinda sucked. so usually i would just give up on trying to stop it and just let her have what she wants.
i figured, since i let her do it eventually, it wasnt a problem. plus, she was my girlfriend and it was fair that she wanted sex. and im the Boyfriend so im supposed to like it. i mean physically, it felt good, theres no denying that. but emotionally, it was exhausting. i never really brought it up to her. or anyone else, until very recently. throughout our whole relationship, i sort of idealized her. she was a pretty girl that wanted to be with me. it was mindblowing. and i think that resulted in me never truly recognizing the problem and convincing myself it was my fault anyway and i was being unreasonable.
im still not sure about all of it. and i hate calling it "sexual abuse" because it wasnt that bad, but im not sure how else to define it. this whole thing just sucks and its so confusing and dysphoria inducing. i dont know what im supposed to do at this point. am i supposed to do anything?
thank u for taking the time to read this