Please answer

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
IAmScared
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Please answer

Unread postby IAmScared » Tue Apr 07, 2020 10:02 pm

[What happened to me VS. what my shrink said

-->to me: he started tampering me to do oral sex and WHILE he was tampering me he was AWARE that I felt shocked and that I didn't want to do it and that I found it yucky,yet he had a smile on his face after he told me to kiss his penis when it was obvious I was shocked as hell and in my mind wanted this situation to just never happen...(though tampering was short,but I don't remember for sure)

---> what my shrink said : "extracted concent is bad but it is still a consent"

WHO IS RIGHT? ONCE AND FOR ALL?
NEITHER OF US?

Jacob
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Re: Please answer

Unread postby Jacob » Wed Apr 08, 2020 5:44 am

I'm just working through approved posts right now so I am posting your message from a separate new topic here:

I don't think I said yes but if I did I didn't really want it and he knew i didn't,that is,if I said yes,which I'm 90% sure I didn't
"In between two tall mountains there's a place they call lonesome.
Don't see why they call it lonesome.
I'm never lonesome when I go there." Connie Converse - Talkin' Like You

Jacob
scarleteen staff/volunteer
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My primary language: English
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Re: Please answer

Unread postby Jacob » Wed Apr 08, 2020 6:01 am

As in my other post, I am only here briefly, but what I'll say here that I completely disagree with your therapist.

Of course i wasn't in the room during your conversation but my understanding of consent is that it's something you engage in to strive for a decent level of mutual understanding and mutual enjoyment in sex.

You say tampering, but I think you mean pressuring? And pressuring someone to do something which you know they don't want to do is not demonstrating good consent, it's coersive and abusive.

You have every right to see this as a harmful action.

Is this usual for your therapist? Is there any chance you could look around for a different provider who has a better understanding of abuse?
"In between two tall mountains there's a place they call lonesome.
Don't see why they call it lonesome.
I'm never lonesome when I go there." Connie Converse - Talkin' Like You

Heather
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Re: Please answer

Unread postby Heather » Wed Apr 08, 2020 6:49 am

Hey there, IAmScared.

Jacob has recently come back to the boards after some time away and, it seems, missed the hard limit I know *you* know we set with you around posting anything to do with sexual abuse here.

I'm going to close this thread and then need to gently remind you that limit still stands. We've had this conversation with you in the past and it only winds up being circular, frequently with you arguing with us, when we validate that what you have posted is abuse and nonconsent, that no, what you are posting is *not* those things. It's simply not a sound use of our time or energy, and it also is a dynamic and pattern that is not healthy or safe for those of us (which is usually most of us) who are ourselves survivors.

So, as we've said to you before, we are glad to talk with you about other topics, but so long as the conversation remains as it is here and elsewhere -- this nonstop go-around about what is or isn't abuse we've already been through with you a number of times -- our limit on this remains the same. Please respect it instead of continuing to come back here with it.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


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