/// please don't reply to this if you are a man it would make me uncomfortable ////
As a survivor of minor sexual trauma (i was groped without consent repeatedly for 6 months when I was 15/16) I've grown up thinking the worst in men. For the longest time I associated male sexual desire as a desire to hurt me.
It's only recently that I've begun to see sex as a thing that women can enjoy too, whereas before it just seemed like something that was done to them, and they had no agency over.
I know the title makes it seem as if I'm LGBT or Questioning but I'm definitely not, I've always had crushes on boys in books and tv shows and always wanted to fall in love with one.
This year I've been getting over my phobia of my own genitals, I started to realise sex is something /I/ can enjoy and I actually had my first crush on a real life boy. I would love for him to like me back and I feel Comfortable with that fact and have pictured us kissing or going on dates.
But the idea of other boys liking me kind of grosses me out, I feel kind of dirty and disgusting and I don't know how to make that feeling go away. I know it's just residual fear, and it's hard because so badly do I want to fall in love, but the idea of someone liking me that /I/ do not like makes me feel sick.
I went for coffee after class with a boy and I just got a vague sense he liked me and I felt so gross
Does anyone have any experience with this? Or Advice?