I'm stuck on really how to reply, so I'm sorry if things are a little jumbled.
I'm sorry you've had to deal with that, Heather. I hope the charges are laid, but sadly that would only be on the boyfriend for the death threats. The stalker and person who abused me, nothing can happen there. I do my best not to keep tabs on them, I've gotten a lot better at it, I used to check their social media pretty often to ensure nothing was about me, making sure there were no threats or anything coming up from my past, it kind of really just hurt me in the long run. My friends all know that I don't want to hear a thing about them unless it pertains to my safety (for example, they get another threat, notice that person is in my area, or they are posting information about me), and they've been respecting that. I would do the same thing you mentioned about checking up on them to make sure there was no one new, talking to the people that I was worried about, and that almost got me stabbed, so I cut that out pretty quickly. It sucks to know they're popular, but detaching means I don't have a sense of just how popular or whatever they're doing. I know that they don't get good grades (We were "close" when we were younger, and it's likely that the grades haven't changed), are into drugs, never go to school, steals her mom's credit cards, and that doesn't usually play out. My mom would have called the police on me, no joke if I pulled any of this.
With the second bullet point, part of that's really hard to believe. They would walk by eyeing me, looking me up and down and start laughing as if it was this amazing thing to see me scared, they really acted as if they enjoyed it. I think that gives me the impression they feel pretty free to be able to do that and not get caught, and the threats only exemplified that. Saying things such as "because if it happened she would've told someone who cared not a bunch of students for attention" (btw the quotes say "she", it's still referring to me, the person just wanted to take a low blow and call me a girl, also, I told one person I trusted, we got in a fight and that's how they got back at me) and proceeded to lecture my friend on how if I was telling the truth something would have come of it, saying if I took her to court (and I freaking tried) I'd end up owing her money, that there's something called proof that's essential to a rape investigation, and saying I have no proof because it never happened. Part what he was saying could have been more to try and keep me quiet about it because they are scared, but with the person laughing and the threats, they could actually believe that they are just entitled and really are getting away with it. The messages are pretty confident in saying that I'm in the wrong. I hope they feel poorly for what they've done though, and I guess that's all I can really do right now. I hope she feels scared, because that's how I've had to feel for the past few years of my life for something I never asked for.
And in the third piece, Heather, you're starting to sound like my mom lmao. She's got a lot of "show that you're better than them, you've got great things going for you". Anyways, I'm trying, there's a lot I have been doing for me and doing well at. Like my sports for example, or my grades, maybe my plan for the future, I've always been a loud person (which I guess can go back to the last point, maybe that makes them feel worried) and stand for what I believe in very adamantly, point is, although I'm still terrified, I've got things going for me, things this person would never in their wildest dreams be able to accomplish. The fact that they had to go low enough to target me for my gender, they couldn't even find anything in my actual life to comment on so they had to go down that road.
I love what you've done and accomplished, by the way, that's pretty awesome. I want to be able to do the same one day, but I don't really know how. It's pretty scary, because I can't really be loud or do a lot of the things I had hoped to (although, that's an issue for a lot of people right now with the virus), it might get me seriously hurt, or worse. I think helping others is a great thing, rather than bringing them down or hurting them. With what you've mentioned, I have no idea how I'd really start on that as far as like making it harder for abusers to do those things. It's great you've been able to though. If I speak up or do anything it might end with a number of things from being shot, to getting my tongue cut out, to being beaten within an inch of my life, or even being killed or having my family and friends being hurt. I can't rely on the fact that he might be all talk when someone's pulled a knife on me before, or when I have quite serious threats, as well as the police and school telling me I'm not allowed to talk about it really. Like I take a risk putting it here, even but I also know I need a place to just like vent sometimes and most likely, they won't find this.
The graph thing has certainly been mentioned a few times, and yeah, it's pretty accurate. And thank you, for all of that, Amanda. I know it's a lot of time, but ahh, time seems to move at pretty slow pace, and I guess that's fine, for now I can work on other things I enjoy too. And yeah, acknowledging I know this won't be easy at least makes me feel a little less surprised when times suck. I'll just keep taking it day by day.
I still though, can't wait to get the news that he's been arrested though, like the constable described how that would go, and damn, I love it, I also know she'd be the one to make the arrest and she's a total badass. I have more than enough for charges it's just the judicial authorisation is a pain. Hopefully that'll make the actual person feel a little more scared and realize they need to cut it out or otherwise they'll have the same consequences. Also, if this starts back up again, I think honestly I'm just going to head down to one of the stations and say "alright, I'm done, help me out here". It's kind of crazy looking back at all they've really done, like they put my number on craigslist for a freaking hookup at three in the morning one time, they sent around pre-transition photos, would show off their cuts to me, would blame me for suicidal thoughts or whatever they had going on. They really had me feel like anything that happened was my fault and I deserved to feel pain for it, they sent around a video of me that got 8,000 likes in just a few days, had their friends corner and threaten me in my own classrooms, posted side things about how I hurt them and how "they knew I enjoyed it". It's gross. Following me, and clearly showing almost like a clear switch in personality when they saw me in student services that the adult picked up on and moved me until they brought back the key in order to keep me safe, enough that people that had no idea about it could pick up on, that's crazy. If she continues that, I have a lot of witnesses that can say "yeah, something was clearly going on." As it turns out, she has no idea I've even been talking to the constable, so like she has no idea that the police know about what she did to me, or is continuing to do, and if she thinks for even a second I'm backing down, even if it looks like that, she's crazy because she doesn't get to do that.
You have the power to say "This is not how my story will end".