I just feel so broken..Am I?

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Heather »

Absolutely.

I can offer some temporary possible helps, if you're open to those. It's also okay if you're not: sometimes problem-solving just isn't what we want.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

Yeah if you don't mind, please. Honestly I'm pretty stuck on what to do, and I mean, having some options can't hurt, right?
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Heather »

That's usually how I look at things like this, but it'd obviously be okay if you didn't.

We are here for you, but I wonder if you might feel better by adding a second support service to your roster right now. I'm feeling like Trans Lifeline -- https://www.translifeline.org/ -- very specifically, might be a good one for you. They are still operating at the same level they always do, and they're just fantastic, anytime.

Fenway Health, a trans-specific healthcare provider, and also just generally fantastic people, also have some services to offer right now: they run an LGBT Helpline and a Peer Listening Line, it's 800-399-PEER for those under age 25.

I'm not in the same kind of spot you are with it, btw, but I'm also having to go without some healthcare myself right now, and have spent a lot of time in my life without access, including when it's been critical, so I have some sense of how it can feel. I'm so sorry that when everything is already so sucky and so scary you're having to go without something you need so badly and are hanging unto so hard.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

Thank you!

I've heard of Trans Lifeline, and have a few others such as like Kids Help Phone, and hotlines for different things in my city, so I'll definitely keep that in mind. I really hated being trans, and still kind of do but I'm coming to learn it's okay to be trans (more for myself, there's no one in my life putting that pressure on me, it's pressure I created because I wanted to feel normal), but coming around to new conclusions makes things like that seem a lot more "normal" (for lack of a better word) so thank you.

I'm not 100% sure about Fenway, just because they are based out of Boston, maybe I'm just not seeing it right. So although I'll definitely do some more poking around, Canada, and specifically my province I find operate a little differently in terms of clinic like this. There's three doctors in my province who can provide this kind of care, it's pretty crazy.

And I'm sorry you're dealing with that, things are definitely getting a little tricky when it comes to healthcare which I understand, but also it sucks. With the whole trans thing, too, that's complicated and confusing anyways as far as how I'm going to work that. I'm thinking, it's going to get a little expensive, honestly - there's a psychiatrist who can refer me who's taking new patients but it's also $200 a session and I need three. So it'll certainly take some discussion and pushing. I think, for now, honestly my gender isn't the biggest issue here, so I can probably leave that on hold.

The thing that is like mainly getting to me right now is that feeling of watching this person get away with everything they've done so far to harm me, or to cause pain (two years of sexual abuse, almost a full year of stalking, got their friends to follow and threaten me from April-June to the point someone pulled a knife on me and they followed my mom and I driving, got their boyfriend to send me death threats such as "I'll shatter the adams apple you haven't developed yet and you'll lay there gurgling on your own blood" also, "No one would wanna rape your ugly tranny ass", and much more like "Take a fat step back and shut the fuck up before you don't have a fucking tongue to talk with and I'm forcing you to chew it", claimed that I had hurt them, outed me as trans to my entire school by sending pre-transition photos of me around, posted publicly saying they knew it was me who told the constable they posted they were going to kill themselves, had me tripped and bullied as well as beaten up when I was younger and more but I think that gets the point across). So I'm seeing that person, get away again. The police are involved in the death threats but can't do anything about the stalking, which really, really sucks. They also can't do anything about what happened before that for those two years. I was really really hoping to be able to see this psychiatrist because maybe that would mean the anxiety meds I mentioned because this level of anxiety at an important place in brain development is not good for me. I also, just can't even focus and am scared of literally everything at this point. I've had to fight so hard to get anywhere and I'm really just watching it all go away, everything I had worked and fought for. Like at this point, I literally don't know what to do about my situation, I think I'm going to reach out to my principal but I don't really know what they'd really be able to do. It's just a really painful thing to deal with, honestly.

Withdrawing the referral that was made SO I could see a psychiatrist as fast as possible because they believe without even knowing me "ah, it's fine, he can wait at least three months, if not longer" is insane to me. If the hospital felt it wasn't necessary, they would have just contacted my therapist or the psychiatrist at the place I do therapy/referred me there, but they felt this was urgent too, and decided that I needed the clinic. It's deeply frustrating to me to basically be overlooked completely when this is something I need so bad, and something I was really holding onto. And just the fact they didn't even decide to call me to tell me they were doing that, ugh.

I don't know, I'll probably talk to my mom but wow, this sucks

EDIT: My mom is pissed too, but I guess we'll be looking into other options, she has she thinks it's $1500 coverage for this, and the psychiatrist my mom's boss mentioned is accepting so I guess we'll be looking into that.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Alexa »

Hey 0PT1M15T1C,

Jumping back in and I was able to read the longer thread and catch up <3

I want to start by saying that I'm so sorry these things go in cycles. I know it so well -- you're so excited to be on an upswing, feeling better, and then you're caught off guard by a painful week or month where it feels like you're starting all over. It's one of the hardest parts. I will say, as a survivor, that over time the bad times get shorter, and the good times get longer. You will see the benefits of all of the hard work you're doing.

Also, I am so sorry that they withdrew your application. The medical system can be really messy like that sometimes. It's not fair and I hope it gets fixed somehow.

Offering a bit of advice, since you said you were open to it earlier -- but totally ignore it if you don't want it: have you and your therapist talked about coping skills? Things like box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, 5-4-3-2-1? If not let me know and I can help you figure them out! I use those when I'm feeling myself begin to get anxious, and honestly, it's really helpful to use them even when I'm feeling okay to just train my body to be more calm over all. I know it's not a psychiatrist, and I totally understand if it's a frustrating interim supplement, but I hope it can help you feel better with time. Like medication, breathing and grounding techniques are kind of things that take a while to affect your overall, day-to-day anxiety, rather than just your acute anxiety in a particular moment.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

Thank you,

I can't freaking wait for the bad times to get shorter, like it going in circles really does kind of play with my emotions. Hopefully my mom and I will be able to get connected with another psychiatrist and my therapist will update me on what's going on on her end during out next session. It's not even the fact they withdrew it that's really getting to me right now, it's the reason why, and the fact they didn't even bother to tell us or maybe even see what was going on. I mean, considering I was in the hospital for thoughts of suicide, I would have thought they might have at least talked to us first and maybe seen if it was still as urgent. (I'm fine right now as far as those thoughts, by the way). Right now, and for the past while it feels like everything's been quite the uphill battle, and I'm trying not to stress too much about what might happen when I have to go back, but it's even hard still having to wait and really think through every single thing I post and everything I say. I was really kind of hoping for that closure so I could start to be myself, so I think, although it's weird, my therapist has a point for what she's trying to get me to do, and I think working hard at it, hopefully I'll start to feel a bit better.

I kind of can't help but wish that this just hadn't happened.

And yeah, I'm aware of all of those, particularly I like the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise, especially waking up from nightmares and stuff (even though that's acute I guess), I've gotten it to start working faster and realized if it's not working I can add things beside senses, like what are my three favourite foods, what are four colours I can see, what are two exercises I can do - all of that jazz. I've definitely found them to take a while to learn, and I do them on a regular basis for that reason as part of a check in I do a few times a day with myself, because I have an issue with letting things build up - but that's gotten better. Box breathing sometimes feels weird and so I prefer to go into things like doing a body scan which gets me to do my breathing and work on how tense I'm feeling at the same time, and typically I do the tension ones a little differently I notice because sometimes, after a workout tensing up muscles just ends up hurting and feeling weird and weak.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Karyn »

Hi 0PT1M15T1C, hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here.

I really hope that you and your mom, with the help of your therapist, will be able to get you connected with another psychiatrist. Having medical decisions made for you by people who don't even know you, and then not being informed until later, is so infuriating and frustrating and I'm so sorry it happened to you.

I also totally hear you about wanting some closure around things, and the uncertainty that not having that brings: maybe finding a way to deal with that uncertainty is something you can talk to your therapist about when you talk to them next? In the meantime, it's great that you've got some coping skills that can help at particularly anxious moments, and that you've adapted them to work for you. (I'm a big fan of the body scan technique myself!)
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

I think yeah, I tried bringing it up today, but that's kind of where the "be in the now" piece came from, and I'm just thinking that if I could do that, I wouldn't be in therapy. Either way though, I think that will certainly be a topic of discussion, it just feels weird because the times today where I said "well yeah, but this really freaking sucks" ended in the whole "So in this moment you're struggling" and also "but that's in the past, what's going on in this moment?" and idk, that's a frustrating thing to learn, also, it ended up with "you saying it sucks is making a judgement and that's resistance, how can we reframe that to accept it". It just feels strange to me, I guess, like I kind of feel like, the death threats are in the past, but uhm, I still have to be cautious of it in the present, those change who present me is. I'm rambling but like it's new and confusing and I just wanted to vent and raise the concerns that this person and all the work I've done, go away without thinking about the "now".

Body scans are just great, in general. I was doing them before games before anyways to sort of calm myself down (as a goalkeeper, you have to make level-headed decisions and act fast, so to do that, you have to learn to remain calm yourself and slow the game down - which I've related to life a lot) because if I'm calm, I'm making the best decisions I can be. Hopefully, until I get this stuff sorted out I can just keep working on what I'm supposed to and somehow find a way to drag my brother into doing the workouts with me, and hopefully can get my eating back on track - which I forgot to mention to my therapist so that's epic. I think I've found some ways around sleep, and I don't care how much people say screens are bad for you, if I put a movie on I'm out within a half hour to an hour and I sleep so much better with that. Also, delta waves are a thing, that's cool.

I'm also just really grateful to have the space here to be able to talk about these things pretty openly, even though sometimes I get stressed out about the person finding it, I think it's pretty unlikely.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Alexa »

I *love* that you've learned that in soccer (football? what do you call it? hehe). That seems like a great thing to carry with you into your life. I'm glad you feel it's helped a bit.

Screens are for some people, not others -- everyone's sleep needs are different. I say do what's best for you. Sometimes having some background noise can help with persistent anxiety like that and help you relax. I find that having those distractions during the day is also helpful -- like music running in the background, or relaxing podcasts that I'm not that invested in, or anything like that.

I hear you with the frustration around the "be in the now"/"trauma is in the past" false dichotomy. Is your therapist receptive if you push back a bit on her methods? It may be helpful to share that referring to your trauma as exclusively being "in the past" isn't helpful.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

She sure wasn't today and really kept pushing that idea and eventually I went with it because like there is a reason she's trying to get me to do that, and like to some extent it does make sense, you know? (I also had to have a full discussion about what "dichotomy" means and that was a confusing mess, thankfully, a funny one, I guess there's still some words I don't know and get to learn) I brought up that I really didn't get it and she kept pushing that and I'm still somewhat confused because saying "I'm suffering right now" doesn't make a flashback hurt any less, which is what she brought up and I'm downright baffled. I don't fully understand it, because like okay, this *might* have stopped about two weeks ago, that's still pretty freaking new, granted it's not this moment, and I have had some time, it doesn't just magically make things better. Idk, it's kind of paradox thinking and it weirds me out because although I love feeling grounded as much as the next guy, this seems strange. She brought it up because she felt I was ready and right now I mean, we're talking about this so clearly it just stressed me out. She called it present moment mindfulness and I call it confusing even though it's based on such a simple term.

I love my therapist and all, but this just feels so like "aahhh" is the best way I can put it. I want to give it some time, but I was really kind of wanting to talk about that whole idea of, you know, the person that stalked me is getting away with it, after I sat in her office the day after the death threats happened and told her "I don't want to die this way" in tears. Like I don't know how much a new paradox thinking method changes the fact that I live in fear every day. She did bring up though that this is freaking insane that I still don't have a diagnosis and no one's looking into meds and is happy with all the work I've put into this, but I don't think she fully understood that my whole world fell apart, and then she hit me with the info from the urgent clinic.

As far as sleep, yeah, I just kind of do what I need to, I'm getting more than 2 hours of sleep a night by doing that, so like, I'm sticking to it.
Also, side note, it's soccer, and we have one coach who calls it football because he's Scottish and we all laugh when he calls it that. I feel like without soccer, I'd have gone insane by now. So I'm grateful I learned that kind of thinking in it. Being able to "slow things down" is so freaking important when you're being followed, to analyse street names, escapes and who exactly is around is really important.

Today was supposed to be like a great day and I was looking forward to it, although, GSA was still fun, most of today went downhill. I was expecting to get a call this week, I was wanting to talk about and process some things, and that didn't happen and got a lot more difficult. I'm honestly tired of fighting (not in like a suicidal way) but like this is exhausting.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Sam W »

Wow, that does sound incredibly exhausting. And frustrating to boot, since you aren't feeling like you grasp why your therapist is switching to this technique. Those techniques are usually used to help people remember they're in a moment where they're safe, which can sometimes make it easier to ride out the flashback or other response. But if you're noticing it not working, I would definitely ask her to explain her reasoning the next time you two talk, or raise some of the issues you were noticing.

Do you at least get to do some fun or relaxing things today?
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

I ended up messaging my school counsellor because she had wanted me to keep her updated on everything anyways, and so she mentioned that there is a lot of research behind present moment mindfulness and it's effectiveness long term, but acknowledged it can feel like I'm doing nothing because there's a lot I'm not supposed to be doing or thinking. She wants me to work on it, and I was planning to anyways, because I don't think my therapist would really bring it up if there wasn't really a point to it. I think for the most part, I understand where she's coming from because in part of it, she wants me working on myself and doing things that feel good for me in that moment rather than worrying about what could happen or what has happened, so there is some reasoning, but I think, yeah, I'll be discussing that a little more. My school counsellor mentioned and I forgot to say this originally but my therapist mentioned it too in a way - so my counsellor said that my progress or mine and it doesn't evaporate because someone else will not change or refuse to acknowledge the past, and that she's seen a lot of progress in me and wants me to be proud of that. My therapist mentioned that in a way of more acceptance where she said (and I'm having trouble explaining it) that although it can feel like one step forward and 20 back, my progress is mine and I need to learn to accept that, in a way. I don't know how to really explain it.

Yeah, I don't really have any plans for today and I actually like, went to sleep at a reasonable hour yesterday and although I woke up a few times but either way, that felt good. Today I have to start my workout training for soccer and figure out how I want to drag my brother into that (partnered workouts are way more fun), continue doing some research and I think just relax. So that's nice, yesterday was hectic and hopefully today will be a bit more of a break for me. Yesterday I think I just really needed that space to vent, a lot of things went pretty haywire, but today I'm going to do my best to make it a chill day. Like I rolled out first thing and I haven't been doing that because I've been lazy about that, but that was so nice and relaxing for me, I can't wait to be back with my team.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Amanda F. »

Hi 0PT1M15T1C,

I've been through the same practice and training of mindfulness to get through flashbacks and traumatic experiences, and I sympathize with you! I didn't really understand the point at first or how it was supposed to help me. Over time I've started to better understand it and maybe I can add a little more that your therapist may not have mentioned.

A major component of mindfulness - one that doesn't always get emphasized, depending on who is teaching it - is awareness of the body. Have you heard of the mind-body connection? It's the idea that our minds/thoughts/feelings are influenced by what's happening throughout our body, and vice versa. If we accept this idea, then it makes sense to incorporate paying attention to our body at the same time as we're trying to be mindful of thoughts.

The reason this concept was so impactful on my healing from trauma, and why I imagine your therapist thinks it will be helpful to you, was the understanding that something can trigger a physical manifestation of anxiety in your body (e.g. a rush of adrenaline, general edginess, worry) and then *after* that your mind will be like "hmm, I feel anxious. Something must be wrong. What could it be?" Of course, the same thing can happen in the other direction. We can have a nervous thought and then our body starts producing the same anxious feeling.

A key idea of mindfulness is to recognize that just because your body is feeling one way doesn't mean your thoughts have to follow. You can detach, in some cases and with practice, your thoughts from your physical body feelings. I say with practice because after all, you are trying to re-wire the habits that your brain has been in for years and years. So it makes sense that you're feeling frustrated; it won't happen overnight.

When your therapist asks you to notice that you "feel suffering" or that it's just "in this moment", consider bringing a LOT more awareness to how your body is feeling. What does your body feel like? Are you feeling anxious or edgy? Is your heart racing? Just notice that.

Once you notice those things you can bring your awareness to the situation at hand and your thoughts. You may be feeling anxious and having nervous-making thoughts or flashbacks, but in that moment, you're actually safe; it's your body triggering this anxiety process unnecessarily. To be completely clear, I'm not saying your body or mind are doing anything wrong! After all, you really were in danger for a long time, and your body and brain had to learn ways to keep you safe - part of which included keeping your awareness of potential threats up. But now that you're spending most (all?) of your time away from your stalker/abuser, you can start to help your body/brain learn that it doesn't need to be anxious all the time. In other words, taking it from an 8 to a 4/10.

Again, I want to reiterate that all of your feelings and worries make sense given what you've been through. Of course you have anxious thoughts and bodily feelings connected to each other. Going forward, you can thank your body for doing its best to keep you safe from harm, *and* let it know that it's safe now.

A book you may find helpful is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. He covers the science and research behind the connection between mind and body in trauma, and multiple ways of treating it.

Does that help to clarify what your therapist might be aiming for? Maybe you could ask them more about it next time you speak to them.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

I think that really kind of helped me make at least a bit more sense of that, thank you. And also knowing that it did actually help someone and that there's reasoning behind it. One thing that I kind of picked up on was this:

"A key idea of mindfulness is to recognize that just because your body is feeling one way doesn't mean your thoughts have to follow. You can detach"


Also, it's nice to know exactly how it helped you, and what that kind of did by bringing in that awareness of your body into it. Having that explained a little more helps.

That kind of ties in to a lot of the other techniques/exercises she had me doing, especially with that detachment. She kind of had me picturing when things are happening like let's say I'm really overthinking something, my brain as if it's a different thing, with fireworks going off, distancing myself from that and noting "alright, so my brains going a little crazy, but my body can stay calm" and I didn't really make that connection or really even think about the other work and how that ties into it, so thank you. I'll definitely work on bringing that awareness to my body some more, because yeah, that sounds helpful.

Part of what was kind of confusing me around it, is that I will be going back to school eventually, but I'm also kind of realising that's like 5 months away, and I can cross that bridge when I get there, there's no reason to stress myself out right now. And by then, I think I will have done a lot more work around this new way of thinking, although I still think that when that time is closer, it'll still be a good idea to set up a plan. Right now though, yeah, I'm away from them all the time, close friends of theirs seem interested in my social media, so I just blocked them, I don't like them, they don't like me, there's no reason for them to be on my social media.

"Going forward, you can thank your body for doing its best to keep you safe from harm, *and* let it know that it's safe now."


I like that a lot, and I'll certainly remind myself of that and let myself know that yeah, there was a reason and it did help keep me safe and I'm safe where I'm at. I'll also see if I can get that book, I was wanting to order some new ones anyways so that's perfect.

I think yeah, that certainly makes SO much more sense, especially noticing that there's connection between the work I was already doing and this new thing. Thank you!
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Karyn »

I'm so glad Amanda's explanation helped. The idea of being in the present moment, how to do that and why, can definitely be tricky for a lot of folks to grasp, I think (I certainly had trouble with it), but it can be super helpful once it makes sense and you start getting some practice with it. I hope it's something that ends up helping you.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

So much for a calm day... I literally can't catch a break, I'm trying so freaking hard and everytime I freaking try it just gets worse.

So, the person who hurt me, is blowing up on Tik Tok, that's great, my friend sent me a photo that she popped up on her for you page with about 50k likes, 120k views and has over 10k followers. Exactly what I needed.

Decided that I was going to push myself during my workout and did that, I had my lizard lights turned off because they're heat lamps and to clean the full tank and move things around, I need them to cool off, so I hadn't fed them yet because I figured I'd do my workout and do that and my mom yelled at me while I was finishing up my workout for that. I told her that and she said, okay just make sure you do it. Ten minutes later there's this... Apparently yesterday I didn't shut the freezer door (standing deep freeze) and so, then she noticed that (this thing sometimes doesn't shut right), and this has happened before and it got blamed on me before even though I swear to god it wasn't me. So my dad and mom are yelling at me for that, and I mean like to some extent I get they're angry that's kind of a lot of food, but I swear that thing just doesn't shut right all the time or idk. So everyone's pissed at me for that. My mom basically put some serious repercussions in place if I didn't get a list of things done she hadn't asked for before done within the time frame that she's gone to go to the doctor to get her meds checked or something. My brother spent the morning being a total jerk to me. I'm so done, I've been trying so freaking hard and like this is what happens so, I don't really know anymore, my family is pissed and of course I'm stuck with them. My mom was mad all day yesterday because she's stressed anyways, and today she just went off on me and told me I was treating everyone like shit when I've hardly even left my room, and I've been doing all my chores, and helping out more than I actually need to, but apparently that means I'm treating everyone crap. I don't know I'm kind of tempted to do what I need to around here and pack a bag and go to my friends house for the night. I'm always allowed over there according to her parents and when things go wrong in my house, they go pretty bad for a while. In the past, my friends parents have strongly disagreed with the way my parents handle things and it came pretty close to me staying with them for a while a few months back. I'll figure this all out but wow.. not fun..

And yeah, thanks, I hope that kind of helps too, because right now, I could really use something working.
Last edited by 0PT1M15T1C on Thu Mar 26, 2020 3:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Karyn
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Karyn »

That's a lot to deal with in a day, and I'm so sorry things aren't great in your house right now. Is there anything in particular we can do to support you at the moment?
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

I don't really think so?

I'm kind of just getting everything they need done around here, talking to my friend and her parents to see what my options are that way in case things continue. It's kind of just playing the game of "which coping skills do my parents want to take away, and how do I deal with that" - spoilers, not a fun game. Hopefully by the time my mom gets back (pretty soon here...) she'll have cooled off a little bit at least. Also, I think I'll be avoiding my parents for a bit, thankfully it's supposed to be a bit warmer than it was like last week, so I think maybe hitting the trails might be a good idea.

I don't really get it, there's so many better ways to deal with this rather than screaming at your kid and taking away things. Like I already feel bad for that, they both know I'm struggling (well.. idk, my dad doesn't seem to understand that whatsoever and thinks it's stupid), as well as like, they know how these sorts of thing impact our relationship and this is the reason I don't talk to them. I'm just really hoping on the fact that my mom has cooled off, I know she won't acknowledge what she said to me, but like I don't want more of it. I did everything she's wanted so far, and gone above and beyond for that so like.. maybe things will go okay..? I kind of just needed a chance to get that out, I made a mistake, maybe, I get that, but it didn't call for what happened because of it.

The main thing that sucks, is we have plans for this sort of thing, specifically my mom because the only time my dad has been involved in therapy/counselling was a few years ago and all that did was tell me that I would never be his son. My mom agrees to things in sessions and then like, doesn't always follow through.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Karyn »

Having a plan in place and managing what you can is sometimes all you can do. Getting outside for some time and space to yourself, when that's an option, can also be helpful. And you're obviously welcome to keep venting here for as long as that's useful!

With your mom, do you think it might work to ask to sit down and talk to her when she's in a calmer mood, and kind of remind her that she's agreed to certain things in your therapy sessions? You know her best and how she might respond to that, but with some people, sometimes, having that sort of conversation can make a difference.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

I've tried a few times (also using "I" statements because that does make a difference) but what happens is either she goes back to doing them for a short time, or gets mad. It's not really a risk I want to take at the moment, because if there's outside stress it usually ends up with her yelling at me, and like, I don't need more of that today. One of the things we agreed to in counselling, after my attempt I brought up what led me to that place and part of it, was that there was a lot of fighting happening around that time so we agreed that as long as I told my parents where I was going to be and would check in, if it was best for me, I could be at a friends house to let things cool off. Tried that, tried to leave, and my mom slammed me into a wall and pinned me and we had a massive fight (this was a while ago) and that didn't end well. I brought up what we had agreed to, and they also a while before threw out the safety plan we had on my fridge which is stupid, it was there because people in the house needed to know the signs that something was happening so she just ignored that. I have a feeling this would go similar if I brought it up again, at least around that. If I say that I'm not feeling respected, I'm the one that was being a pain and it was my fault, so sometimes, it's better just to leave it.

I reorganised everything and texted her saying I was heading out (if she cares enough, she can check my location because I have that on thanks to the stalking) and I think I'm going to go chill for a bit on my own. If they have an issue, I guess they'll call the police and whatever, I guess that'll be dealt with. I've given them no reason to believe I'm a threat to myself ( also, side note, what the heck. Two weeks ago I was actively suicidal, three weeks ago I was in the hospital and they thought screaming at me was a good idea!?), am going somewhere they know I feel safe and calm, have my phone, as would rather not be at home right now, so they can deal with it because I'm done.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

Update: So, I came home two hours later and everyone seemed to have chilled out, my mom left me a peace offering (what I'm calling it) of gummy bears on my bed. Came home with about 20 minutes until dinner, and no one seemed too upset at that point, my dad certainly wasn't happy (fair) but there wasn't anymore yelling and we had a pretty calm night altogether. My parents have both been pretty stressed out anyways, so that certainly didn't help but I think I'm just going to stay out of the way for a bit.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Karyn »

Hey OPT1M15T1C, I'm glad things calmed down a bit. (And sorry to leave you hanging with a reply.) How are you doing today?
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

Pretty weird honestly, I've gone through a range of emotions, starting the morning cocky as hell and dancing (I think I may have a tik tok obsession), but things went downhill after I guess something triggered a flashback and so that sucked, a lot. I'm kind of back jamming to music and just doing everything I can to relax and actually be mindful of my triggers this time. It's been a weird time, and I think my dad is fed up with having my brother and I home, though. (Also, my brother is a total player omg, he had to learn what a pain it is when you try dating two girls at once while they know.)

The weird part about this all for me, is I thought after I hit rock bottom a while back I thought it would get better, and although I'm having these moments of feeling great, it hasn't fully changed, and that's a bit of a scary thing for me. I thought that being away from this person would make this easier, but especially knowing they have like 10k people that are following them, believe in them and think they are a great person, really sucks - I wish my friend hadn't sent that to me. Sadly, after the fight I ended up relapsing but I'm working on it and that's all I can really do, with things having chilled, it's a lot better - it was a few days of hell for me. My sleep has been really weird because I find myself really quite tired a lot of the time and I'm also having to fight the thought of nightmares. I think the lows just hit a bit harder with where I've been at with everything happening. Things drop to a dangerous place a lot faster which is certainly not fun or easy. The issue I really have with my family is masking, like I've gotten pretty good about knowing when something might happen and going off on my own to deal with it and if things aren't feeling great, I have gotten pretty good at faking that. I really wish I hadn't learned how to do it so well or become so reliant on it because it has made things so much harder for me.

I'm also thinking about if this starts back up going to the media, this person is getting a lot of traction right now, and that's a scary thing for someone who has survived their abuse as they get more power. I found this case from a while ago that did just that - https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/23/worl ... sault.html I'm so tired of them having power over people over some of the things I remember them saying around "trust me, everyone wants to have sex with me, even if they don't know it yet" "I'm just that fuckable" "It's like waving a wand, they may not think they want to have sex, but I come in and their mind changes" "You have no Idea how many people's minds I've changed" Like no, them having more power and reputation is not what they need and I'm fed up.

I am also trying to focus on the things going well and that have changed, for example I'm working on actually being okay with being trans, I've been able to have a much better relationship with my body and create pleasurable experiences, I've started talking a lot more, even if it's just at home right now, I've been learning more about myself. Not to mention I've been talking to a boy, seriously after some of the things that have happened, I didn't think I would ever be okay with trusting someone. I put my trans flag back on my wall, because I've learned to be ashamed of it, and there's nothing shameful about being queer in any way. I've also learned that I need to stop being lazy after a leg day and roll out so I can walk the next day because wooow this hurts.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by Alexa »

Hey there,

Even though I know it sucks, cycles of feeling very good/very bad and everything in between are normal. We've probably said that before, but I always need to be reminded when I hit my lows. If it helps, maybe journaling about good/bad days can remind you of the good times and maybe give you more clues around your triggers and staying well?

I'm sorry you're having to see this person get traction on social media. That can be really painful. I would say, as best you can, block all of their accounts on social media so you don't have to be reminded of them, and tell your friends explicitly that you don't want updates on what they're doing unless it directly affects your safety. Setting boundaries like that can help a lot.

I'm really sorry about the way things have been at home. It isn't fair that your parents are violating your safety agreements. You shouldn't have to deal with that ever, let alone during a time that you're experiencing all of this other stress. Is this something you can bring back to your therapist and discuss? Maybe they can help you find safety and wellness as best you can while you're at home, or help you approach another conversation with your parents about your health.
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Re: I just feel so broken..Am I?

Unread post by 0PT1M15T1C »

Yeah, I think I kind of needed to hear that for sure, thank you. I have been journalling a bit, I also have like cute reminders of stuff set up to kind of remind me those things and to remind me why I am still fighting everything. Its a lot harder to see it when you're in a low place, so it can make a difference. I've written my triggers down just so I know exactly what they all are (or most I guess), and do little check ins throughout the day to see if any of those have happened ad notice what I'm feeling at that point.

I have them blocked on everything and told my friend I didn't want to know about it in any way, If she wants someone to vent about that sort of thing, my friend group is a trio, there's another person she can talk to about it that won't trigger them. If anything does come up that is like, them noticing they are in my area or like posting something about me. What happened was this person was on the "for you" page and so I just really hope neither of them are actually trying to go and look at this person and it just so happened they popped up.

I probably could bring it up with my therapist, but honestly, I think it was just a stressful day. Everything's chilled out, except for my brother and I swear, sometimes he's great and other times I really wish I could push him out the door and lock him out for a bit. There's a lot of good things happening in my house right now, but like having four people together constantly with everyone stressed out, I think things sometimes are just going to happen. Thankfully, there's three different levels to my house and so we can all space out a bit. I might want to have another talk about the health, but I'm also balancing the whole thing with other's stress levels being through the roof as well. My mom, especially for her things have been a lot, people are being jerks at work, she still has to go and deal with that possible contamination (even though they are doing very good at social distancing) and the thought of bringing that home to her family who have all been isolated. One of her workers sent her like an e-card thing and other people were thanking her for doing everything she can to keep them safe and that's the first time I've seen my mom cry since my friend's passing I think.
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