this post belongs right here

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
Everglow
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this post belongs right here

Unread postby Everglow » Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:06 am

I am 14 years old and I have been assaulted 5 times now! 5!!!

#1 When I was 9 some guy grabbed my butt. My mom was with me but didn't see it. I cried. My mom bought me a starbucks and did her best on having me relax.
#2 When I was 13 I had a guy grab my butt when I got off the train.
#3 When I was 13 I had a guy grab my breast as he walked by me. It was daylight and he did not care! And my left breast had a red mark on it and was sore for a couple days. It was that hard of a grab. And my breast were already hurting at the time anyway because they were growing.
#4 a few months ago and a guy grabbed my butt as I was walking by him in a dark hallway of a movie theater. I had a skirt on, and he reached in between as he was grabbing me. I think he was already looking at me when I was at the concession stand and he rushed up and got in front of me and walked back towards me. I spilled the popcorn, but I didn't want to go back, but the popcorn was also for my mom. The trip back to get the popcorn was probably the most crazily aware that I have ever been of what was around me. I also waited for a family to get in front of me before walking back in.
#5 On Sunday I had a guy brush behind me, feeling his hand along my butt and slightly grabbing it. This time I yelled out HEY at him and he looked back and said sorry about that. He acted like the platform was crowded and that he had no choice but on brushing along side me.

And what I am not including is the guys grabbing me at concerts. Maybe a dozen? I am with friends at those concerts, and all of us have been grabbed at least once. And these guys at concerts go for between the legs, they don't care! And NEVER wear a skirt at a concert!

And what I am not including is guys looking at me when I am at the gym. I stay on the treadmill, but when I do some weights I only do it when I have another girl around me, but I will always get a guy acting like he is working out. Most of the time my mom is with me, and because of that guys just don't look at me at all, it's like I don't exist.

I am 14, I am petite, I look 14, and none of them care! And I am sure that all 5 of these perverts have done this MANY times! But why do they do it? And how much jail time would they get from this?

Next time I am screaming! I hope I scream. Maybe I should take a class on learning how to scream.

Sam W
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Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby Sam W » Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:33 am

Hi everglow,

It's so, incredibly crummy that you've had to deal with all of these incidents, and you have every right to be angry and frustrated that they happen.

I can't say why each of these guys chose to do this, since they'd likely each try to offer different justifications for it. One thing we do know is that, unfortunately, lots of men view women (and girls) as public property, meaning that they feel like they have a right to our space and bodies just because we're out and about. Too, there are still lots of people in this world who feel that their desire to do something to another persons body trumps that persons right to walk around unharassed.

Honestly, screaming or otherwise drawing attention to what's happening can actually work sometimes. As you saw with the most recent incident, the guy backed off when you showed you were willing to let other people know what was happening. Harassment thrives in silence and in places where women are taught to not make a scene or be impolite, not matter what. But if someone is touching you without your consent, "making a scene" makes sense (that's not to say that someone who doesn't yell is reacting the wrong way; freezing is one of the natural responses to these situations, plus sometimes it feels safer not confront the person).

The kind of punishment these guys could face if you reported them depends a lot on the exact nature of what they did, but it could be a fine rather than time in jail. Too, if you did report them, a bigger factor would be whether the people you reported it to took it seriously. I don't say this to discourage you, but so that you're aware that there are people who would dismiss these incidents as no big deal/

Everglow
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Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby Everglow » Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:31 pm

When I did a search for male abuse the first thing that popped up was a YouTube video of this guy grabbing the breast of hundreds of women one after another. I guess the women were okay with it and they all enjoyed it but to me it was really sick! After doing some more searching I found Scarleteen but that was only after going through another 10 more YouTube links for more videos.
And if these men are only looking at a fine or maybe nothing at all then what is stopping them?
I need to learn to quit being so nice and learn how to scream and be pissed off. Should have screamed at that guy on Sunday and cause a whole bunch of commotion. I hate that guy the most out of all of them because he looked back me and said sorry. He knew exactly what he was doing and he knew I was underage.

al
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Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby al » Tue Jan 07, 2020 9:20 pm

Hi everglow,

There's a lot of horrible and abuse-perpetuating stuff out there on the internet. I'm glad that you've been able to find a place like us and a way to express the frustration that you're feeling.

You bring up a really good question - what's stopping these guys (and other people that choose to abuse or assault others) from doing what they're doing? Like Sam said, there may not always be 'justice' delivered by the legal system even if they are caught and charged with assault. I think that's a big part of the problem - that these people continue to do this stuff, because they think (or know from experience) that they can get away with it. I think that's the result of being a part of a society in which women (and especially young women) are treated like objects and an expectation/normalization for men to behave in these toxic ways towards women in public. Common media (like that YouTube video you described) can definitely contribute to it.

I'm glad that you were about to respond in the moment, because that's exactly it - they know that what they're doing is wrong. I'm fairly sure that if you were to take video footage of what happened and play it back for these individuals and ask, Do you think it was okay for you to do this? Is this acceptable behavior? they would say no. But because they have anonymity, no consequences, or even support from the people around them, they do it anyway.

It sounds like it's bringing up a lot of strong emotions for you. Have you been able to take care of yourself or talk about it with anyone else since what happened on Sunday?
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully

Everglow
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Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:55 am
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Location: Vancouver, WA

Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby Everglow » Tue Jan 07, 2020 10:05 pm

I told a few friends about it via text right after it happened. One friend commented NOTHING NEW and the other commented YEP. It's just no big deal because its normal for all of us.
I don't tell my parents about this. They would worry about me and try and keep me from going out as much.
YouTube should take those videos off! The one video is 18 minutes of a guy grabbing 1000 women!
Take care of myself? Best I can do is act like it was no big deal and keep doing what im doing. Maybe buy some bear spray.

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Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby Amanda F. » Wed Jan 08, 2020 6:19 pm

Hi Everglow,

You mentioned learning to scream up above. I wonder whether being outspoken about how these men are harassing you (if you feel it is safe to do so, wherever you may be) would feel empowering to you.

Sexual abuse isn't just about touching someone, it's about power - about getting away with something, about feeling like they can do whatever you want. Calling them out can be a way that you take your power back. Even just yelling "HEY!" like you did can do the trick. You can also yell "DON'T TOUCH ME." And yes, you can definitely buy pepper spray or mace to carry with you! Just make sure you know how to use it correctly. Practice with it in a safe environment.

I know it can be hard to figure out how to care for yourself, and I'm sorry that talking to your parents doesn't seem like the right option here. I imagine they would just want to try and protect you. What do you think about asking them if you could take a self-defense class?

If keeping on going is the best way for you, then keep on going. Are there other ways that you can care for yourself? How are you feeling in your body?

Everglow
not a newbie
Posts: 30
Joined: Tue Jan 07, 2020 5:55 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I dont know
My primary language: english
My pronouns: her
My sexual identity and orientation: straight
Location: Vancouver, WA

Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby Everglow » Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:08 pm

What I hate the most is that it's my body and they somehow think they can touch it. I have like a target on my butt and they must try and reach it. I try and dress normal and look normal but it doesn't matter.
I know of a jujitsu class down the road from me but it's like 30 men and maybe 5 girls. I don't know if they have a teen class but I would think my mom would let me try out if I ask. I think I haven't tried joining yet because I don't like the idea of a guy over me and holding me down but I also know this is what the class is like.

Sam W
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Re: this post belongs right here

Unread postby Sam W » Tue Jan 14, 2020 8:13 am

I feel you big time on the frustration that it seems like even when you're dressing in a way that doesn't draw attention to you, you still get unwanted attention (I sometimes wish all of my jewelry and maybe some of my clothes had spikes on them). You're right that it's your body and no one else has a right to touch it without your consent. But unfortunately, there are still people out there who don't think that's true.

If a self defense or other martial arts class would help you feel more in control of your body, then that's definitely something to explore. If the one down the road doesn't appeal to you, have you tried searching for teen self defense classes? You could also search for "women only" ones, since being touched by an unfamiliar guy is (understandably) unappealing to you.


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