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am i exagerating? what do i call this

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2022 2:52 am
by Lyle Lanley
i've had some instances where there has been some mild-ish action when i didn't want it. i'll describe it here

some years ago i would be hanging with this cis guy B (i call him ex but tbh we ""dated"" in elementary, then we had conflicts and then soon we were "on friendly terms") and he'd often invite me to my house to watch a film or play a game. we would be in his bed or on the couch under some blankets and we'd be close, at a same distance where a couple would snuggle. but since B was basically a friend, i let it slide.
one time we were watching a movie and B absent mindedly put his arm over my shoulder and let his hand fall on my breast- when i made him notice he muttered "sorry i didn't mean to" at least a million times, then stated he thought it was my shoulder. i never believed him.

B again, last summer. still keeps wanting to get closer when we're at his house or at the pool. i start being suspicious since i know he's been crushing on me since elementary and these closeness attempts couldn't be just friendly and coincidental. if we're on the bed and he's sitting near me, i would lay on my belly so that my feet are where his face is. and vice versa if he changed position too.

but one day at the pool was my last straw.
when i went to the corners of the pool, he'd get uncomfortably close to me, locking me on the corner. if i swam away he would lock me on another corner. then i had enough and went on a pool noodle. then he sat behind me on the noodle and to make it go forward, he basically dry humped me and i could feel his arousal poking me. i confronted him, trying my best not to make a scene at the public pool, and B never invited me anywhere again.

and this winter with another cis guy named A, when we went for a walk in the park *as not-so-close friends* due to our parents being coworkers. as we were sitting close on a bench, he went close to my face and initiated a kiss with tongue and all. i did nothing to stop it and it was absolutely disgusting; just writing about it makes my stomach turn.

what especially makes me uneasy about it is that both of them are cis guys, who don't know me that well at all, and would not understand if i explained to them i am a trans guy (and until last summer i was still forcefully fem presenting) and that i am polyamorous and have an online partner, plus a qpp also online.
and in all these instances i never agreed to it or consented (if there was any consent to estabilish in first place)
plus i don't think these qualify as abuse or assault or anything, since there was no outright sexual intercourse, but they make me feel bad and i think i'm exagerating or overreacting since there's so many people in the world and many i know, who have had it worse and have been actually raped.

Re: am i exagerating? what do i call this

Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2022 6:51 am
by Sam W
Hi mcjupiter,

It sucks that there have been multiple instances of guys acting this way towards you, and I'm sorry they made those choices.

When we're talking about sexual assault, the definition that we (and lots of other places) operate from is, "having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to." Quite a bit of what you're describing falls under that definition. One thing I encourage you to keep in mind is that, if you choose to refer to them that way, you're not somehow diminishing what happened to other people, you're just describing what happened to you, you know?

Another thing to keep in mind is that it's ultimately up to you to describe what happened in whatever way feels most accurate or comfortable to you. If assault feels like the right term, then you can use it. It's also perfectly okay to say things like, "I'm still not sure what word captures this but it was unwanted and made me feel gross" because it's effect on you is the part of it that matters most.