I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through these confusing emotional reactions to the memory of your abuser. It may comfort you to know that this is a very normal trauma response, and exceedingly common among survivors. Emotions are unpredictable and multilayered, but actually, the fact that you're missing him and wanting to get closure by speaking to him about what he did to you makes complete sense, given the fact that you may have had some positive emotional experiences with him, prior to the assault. And yes, it is deeply messed up that this is normal for survivors. As this article
"If, like a majority of survivors, you were raped by someone known or close to you -- a friend, a boyfriend, a family friend -- then you're also grappling with some extra-tough feelings when it comes to being betrayed by someone you invested trust in and may care for a lot. It may be hard for you to accept that person really raped you, and hard for you to cut ties with them."
Unlike what this article says, however, you've cut ties with your abuser, and that's a massive achievement. The fact that you are missing him is not entirely in your control, as it's mainly a trauma response. But cutting ties was in your control, and you did it, and that's something to be extremely proud of.
By the by: have you been able to return to your therapist, the one you used to see for your anxiety and depression? Have you maybe started seeing a new one, for your PTSD and healing from this assault? If not, did you maybe get a chance to look at the resources we shared in our last conversation with you? I just want to make sure that you have resources to help you heal, and that you have support.