I hope everyone is having a pleasant day
I guess I'll share an update on my recovery process following being r*ped a few years ago.
I've come to accept what's happened. I feel like I'm no longer 'traumatised' in an emotional sense, I've spent a lot of time trying to heal. I still experience a lot of physical dilemma's as a result of the incident (most notably not being able to have an orgasm due to getting a PTSD-like anxiety attack beforehand), but i plan on seeking more suitable professional help to see what I can do about that.
That doesn't really bother me though.
As a result of the incident, I turned into a terrible individual (up until a few months ago, where I decided to properly work on things and face the monsters in my head). I grew cynical, distrustful, resentful, angry, manipulative and uncaring towards people. All the hurt I had inside of me manifested itself in how I behaved towards others. I'm in no way saying the incident is an excuse for that behaviour, if I could go back in time and change everything I would, but I can't.
I've lost almost all my friends. I don't have a relationship with my family at all, I've hurt my partner so bad and I feel extremely alone. I don't know what to do. I feel like i've forgotten how to human, i get so much social anxiety now and I just don't want to go out. I feel like I've done a lot to deal with the incident itself, and the trauma I experienced from within. I know lashing out and being horrible to others is an immature way to go about things, and I don't do that anymore.. but I don't know how to deal with the ripple effects of everything else. The incident was like a domino effect; it knocked everything else down with it. I don't feel like I can properly talk to anyone. I feel so alone.. and i guess a lot of other abuse/r*pe victims feel that way too when trying to gain control back in their life. I've heard similar emotional states being in long-time prisoners, who finally serve their sentence after decades and become "free", but in actuality, are tossed into a world that's so foreign and unfamiliar.