hi! i've never really talked about this with anyone besides my therapist, so i'm not really sure how to go about this. i guess i'll just get into it. i'm going to describe what happened to me in some detail, please don't read if that will upset you.
september/october 2019 i started a casual sexual relationship with a friend i knew pretty well. we had a good dynamic, i liked hanging out with him, and we discussed boundaries and sexual preferences. i thought it was fine. it all felt fine. but when we had sex for the first time, he went down on me, and it was too much at first in terms of sensation, so i told him to slow down, but he didn't. i have a hard time remembering if we discussed overstimulation as something we wanted to try. it's entirely possible that we did. he didn't slow down, so i pushed his head away, and he kept trying to move his head closer to me again. he started asking me to move my hand away so he could keep going, and i felt guilty for not letting him, so i moved my hand away and let him continue. this happened almost every time we had sex.
i started realizing something was maybe wrong when i was at work and i'd think about having sex with him, and i'd go into a fight or flight response. heart pounding, dizzy, antsy, the whole nine. sometimes i'd even get the urge to kick my legs like i was trying to fight him off or something. i'm not sure if that makes sense as a reaction. i don't know if he knows he did something wrong. or even if he did something wrong at all. i'm extremely extremely conflicted about the whole thing.
i'm having a hard time telling my friends, because we have a few mutual friends in common, and i don't want to rock the boat, because he's very very well liked by our friends. i told my dad about all this a few months ago and he told me i had to speak up eventually, otherwise he was just going to keep doing this to other people. but i'm not ready yet, and i don't know if i ever will be.
was this sexual assault? did i send him the wrong message by letting him continue? did he know what he did was wrong? am i overreacting? i'm really confused and could use some help. sorry if this is a little long, it's a very complicated situation for me emotionally. thanks so much.