I guess what I'm saying, is that she was everything I was looking for.
But... she wasn't. You said so yourself here: viewtopic.php?f=16&t=9670#p48913
I was consistently cornered into doing things I was uncomfortable with just to get her to stay.
I got nothing in return, and all I asked for was emotional support. The relationship ended because I was in a really dark time and I really needed her there for me. All I got was 'im sorry' as she would turn away towards her phone, which she was on always. And I do mean always. When I confronted her and told her that I really needed her support, she made me feel guilty for it and then left for someone else.
Not to mention this that you just said:
I dont want to be in a relationship that's about money or material objects.
But earlier, you admitted:
I completely financially supported her while she would spend what money she had on tattoos, piercings, food for her, and clothes she wouldn't wear.
Your two statements here are in direct conflict with each other.
You're looking for someone who respects you.
You're looking for someone who respects your boundaries.
You're looking for someone who can provide emotional support/intimacy.
You're looking for someone who can equally be there for you like you'll be there for them.
You're looking for someone who will actually hear you when you speak and respect what you say.
You're looking for someone who can and will be there for you.
Your ex made it abundantly clear she cannot be and is not this person and will not provide any of these reasonable requests for you.
I fully second this recommendation of Heather's:
I'd encourage you, when you have those kinds of thoughts, to try interrupting them, stopping them and correcting them rather than validating them. For instance, when you're here and thinking that way, don't write it down and post it. Instead, have that thought, then counter it with something else like, "There's more than one big love I'll have in my life," or "I'm so young, there's no way this was the only big love relationship I'll know," or "There will be other people I will want these things with," or "I have other reasons to live besides an unhealthy relationship, here are some of those things..." If you keep validating these ways of thinking, you're not going to be able to change them.
I hear you romanticizing your relationship with your ex and compartmentalizing the bad things she did as "temporary" and things that YOU (for some reason not her???) just need to be patient with and work on fixing.
And I get it. You spent a lot of time being told this (even if it wasn't out loud, everything in the relationship worked towards getting you both to believe this lie that it was her job to be helpless when it suited her and your job to completely, totally, 100% support her in every way for nothing in return). I know
that's a hard mindset to break out of. It won't happen overnight. But it can't
happen if you don't start putting into practice the work of breaking out of this mindset.
You've got to start confronting this mindset in your head so that it'll help you come to terms with the fact that it does not matter why
she treated you the way she did. She is still fully, completely responsible for her actions, and those actions include neglecting you and outright turning away from you even in the moments where you were directly, clearly asking for her support
People are complicated, and sometimes it is true that hurt people hurt people. But people's pasts cannot and does not excuse how they treat you. Whatever apologies she deserves for what she's gone through, it doesn't lessen or excuse how she treated you or make it in any way okay.
So how do you feel about doing what Heather suggested? Can you start trying it even if you don't feel ready to? You've got to start at some point, so why not now?
For example, you posted this thought: "My biggest fear is not finding someone who let's me be myself and loves me for who I am. That was one of the positives in our relationship." but this thought would be a great place to start practicing, by correcting and reminding yourself something like: "There are so many people in the world and so many people I have yet to meet - and still have so much time to meet them. I am not unloveable and plenty of other people are 'weird'. I will meet great people, and I will find people who like me for me. My fear is understandable, though not realistic, and I cannot let it control me or it will limit me and become a self-fulfilling prophecy."
Also, since you've mentioned feeling so stuck and hung up thinking about this relationship, can I ask if (re)connected with any friends and/or have been able to get out and do things for yourself/try new things, like was suggested in your other thread?
Sometimes it really does help to distract ourselves. If you're just sitting around home with not much else to do, it'll be really hard not
to dwell on these thoughts. Getting out and doing things/hanging out with friends/talking with friends will help give you other things to focus on as well give you fun and positive experiences and remind you that there is
a good life for you away from your ex.
Speaking of, one of the volunteers/staff, Siân, posted this in another thread. I think it might be worth a read for you: Question #91: Moving vs. Staying. Instructions for finding Your People and Your Place.
on advice for how to meet and connect with people.
I know a lot of people fear being 'alone' and not finding great love, and I don't want to be dismissive of this, but I do want to gently remind you that first and foremost, your life? It's about you. It's not about finding a partner and settling down. Even with in a great, loving, supportive, and healthy relationship, you've still got to have things that are fulfilling for you
. Hobbies and passions and goals and dreams and aspirations. In fact, this is often an important part of being able to have a healthy relationship - having your own sense of self that doesn't depend on other people with your own sense of what you want to get out of life. Without some idea of who you are or what you want or being able to pursue your own things, it seems that it's all too easy to fall into codependency.
So working on figuring these things out about yourself will not only be personally fulfilling and help you and help you heal, it will also better prepare you for the relationships that you will have in your future. Maybe thinking about it this way will help encourage and motivate you to start finding ways to do and explore things for yourself?