So I have intrusive thoughts, terrible ones, about pedophilia and rape, both about being the victim or the perpetrator, and I've never addressed it as explicitly as in the sentence I just wrote. (Once in art therapy when I was maybe 16 and I mentioned intrusive thoughts my art therapist started talking about our subconscious desires and I felt so disgusted that she'd misunderstand, or rather make assumptions about, such a horrifying topic that I dreaded bringing it up again.)
The thoughts aren't exactly explicit in nature but they're still disgusting, and it makes me feel uncomfortable about being around children and older adults, especially men. Combined with the trauma I have from being emotionally and verbally abused by my father, those thoughts often involve him, or make me feel like I should be scared of him.
Now I'm going through the evaluation process my country has in place for anyone seeking gender affirming treatment, and the most recent doctor in a line of people involved in the process wanted to discuss my answers to a bunch of mental health surveys they have you do, and among them were my answers about intrusive thoughts. It was my first time talking about them with any healthcare professional in many years. We also talked a bit about past trauma and I mentioned that my father has been abusive for many years.
What took me aback was the doctor's next question. He asked if I wanted to look into past occurrences that could have caused my intrusive thoughts, for example assault. I've never been assaulted. Not that I remember. But I know you don't always remember traumatic experiences like that. Hell, there's entire disorders like DID out there that revolve around suppressing memories of trauma.
I'm sort of scared. I told my doctor that it's probably just a combination of mental illness symptoms and other non sex-related trauma that took hold and decided to show me stuff that horrifies me because that's what mental illnesses do, but it felt in part like I was trying to convince him, or myself, of something. I'm getting very paranoid remembering now that I used to be extremely sex repulsed (and sometimes still am to a lesser degree) and I keep thinking - what if there's some other reason for that, which I haven't addressed? What if there WAS something when I was younger, that I forgot, that caused me to develop sex repulsion and assault related intrusive thoughts?
I feel like I'm going a little mad. I am seeking trauma therapy for other things anyway, and now I'm considering bringing up my intrusive thoughts and looking into what could have caused them. Part of me feels like, I know it sounds pathetic, like I'm looking for horror stories that aren't there, or like I'm trying to be like friends I have who've been victims of assault. It sounds mad, right? I feel mad.
If it turns out there was something like that, what will that knowledge do for me? If there wasn't, I'm going to feel awful and ashamed of even having considered the possibility. I'm going to look back at the current me and be disgusted for making up such awful things about myself.
I feel so horrified and disgusted for paying attention to my intrusive thoughts and for being curious. I feel like I'm fabricating things. And it feels suspenseful, like the only way of getting through it is asking the question: did something happen to me? Even if just acknowledging that the question exists feels bad. Fuck. I guess I'm bringing this up once I get trauma therapy.